Originally written in 2015. Edited and expanded.
It’s time for me to come clean.
I can no longer hide from my past.
The ugly, awful truth must come out.
I had an affair.
I had a mistress.
I was intimate with my lover for many, many years.
My wife and children know about the affair. I am so sorry for all the hurt and damage my illicit relationship caused. That my wife and children stood by me all these years is a wonderful testimony to their love for me. I don’t deserve it.
My mistress and I carried on for a long, long time. In fact, she would follow me wherever I moved: Ohio, Texas, Michigan. She was always right there for me.
My mistress is a lot older than I. She is what is commonly called a cougar.
The sex was great. The only problem was I could never satisfy her. The more sex we had, the more she wanted. She was quite the nymphomaniac. I had a suspicion she was having sex with other people (she was bisexual) but it didn’t matter. What WE had was special. She treated me as if I was the ONLY one.
Over the years, we made a lot of promises to each other. We are going to this or that, go here or go there. But neither I or my mistress delivered on our promises.
I gave my mistress a lot of money. She deserved it, or so I thought. Yet, no matter how much money I gave her, she always wanted more. She would often tell me “prove that you love me Bruce.” So I would give her more money. I began to wonder if she was a prostitute and I was a john. My wife and children suffered because I gave so much money to her. I justified their destitution by telling myself that my affair was what gave me purpose and meaning in life. Without it I might as well be dead.
I deceived myself for a long time, convinced that what my mistress and I had was real. After all, she made me feel alive. She gave me self-worth. When we were together it seemed as if time stopped and we were transported into the heavens.
One day, a few years back I began to have doubts about my affair. The sex was great, but there is more to life than sex. I certainly enjoyed the company of my mistress, and boy, she sure could cook, but I still felt quite empty when I was away from her.
I began to think about all the sacrifices I made for my mistress: all the money I gave her; the loss of a close, intimate relationship with my wife and children. Was it worth it? Since my mistress got the best of me, all my family got was leftovers. By the time I came home to them, I was too tired, too busy, and too broke to give them what they needed and deserved.
A decade or so ago, after much self-judgment and reflection, I ended the affair. I sold all of the mementos of our torrid relationship. I told my mistress that I could no longer be in a relationship with her. She didn’t even get angry, or for that matter, even care. She told me “There are plenty of other people who would love to have me in their lives. Your loss, Bruce.”
So we parted ways,
My wife and I, along with our children are trying to rebuild our home. The damage done by this affair is incalculable. I can only hope that, with time, the wounds will be healed.
I should warn all of you about my mistress. She is always on the prowl looking for someone new to entice and bed.
Her name?
The Church
About Bruce Gerencser
Bruce Gerencser, 62, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 41 years. He and his wife have six grown children and twelve grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist. For more information about Bruce, please read the About page.
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Sigh, me too my friend; looks like we had the same mistress; she sure gets around…
Nice try, Bruce, but I saw it coming. 😉
Wow! I was horrified reading this!! You had me fooled!
I was sooo relieved at the end!
Your response means my story worked. 🙂
I didn’t see it coming! Was actually pretty aghast when I started reading it as I’d always pegged you to be like my husband, a man that would never ever cheat. Did not see the ending coming, thought you’d really had a long affair. Whew, relived it was merely the church..
I fear the skillet in the head while I sleep if I dare stray. 🙂
Polly Pans Preacher
Why isn’t there a “Like” button here? 😉
She own Lodgeware cast iron, so she could really do some damage. 🙂
More like Lorena Bobbit…~
Bruce
It’s not for Matty to judge. Polly and your clan have that exclusive right. I’ll leave the rights and the wrongs to them.
I will say this. Your blog is my favourite blog because you give us the unvarnished reality of your life. It’s an act of extraordinary generosity; you allow us an insight into a world most of us can never now.
Cheers
Matty
I knew you were talking about the church so I wasn’t too worried. 😉
I saw the punchline coming, too.
I’ve lost track of the times I’ve heard some preacher howl and bellow something like “You’re not the parent you should be if Jesus isn’t more important than your kids, you’re not the husband you should be if Jesus isn’t more important than your wife,” etc etc etc. It’s so cult-like and repellent that I’ve wondered from time to time if the people in the pews even hear or think about what is actually being said.
Certainly, “family values” is one of the greatest marketing lies of all time.
At first, I thought it was Jesus – he could have been bisexual – he hung out with 12 dudes, plus Mary Magdalene and the sister duo act Mary and Martha. The Church? She gets around.
Thankfully, I have read enough of your stuff to know where this was going!
great writing. this could have described my dad for many years. the church and the church members were always priority. he just knew jesus was coming any day so he believed that only church was important. 50 yrs later and jesus is still not here. guess who’s still waiting and refuses to admit wasted life and potential?
I knew where you were headed when I saw the title, but that’s because I’ve read everything you’ve written. You’d never have had the time, opportunity, nor especially motivation, to cheat!
Take ‘church’ out of the equation and substitute some sort of sport and then lots of blokes are drawn in. In the UK soccer, cricket, and rugby obsessives lead to labelling some wives ‘soccer widows’ etc. I’m guessing that the US will have the same with football, baseball, and basketball, maybe ice hockey.
I am currently in a polyamorous relationship; my husband’s other woman even lives with us, or at least out in the driveway. Her name is Giulia. Um, Alfa-Romeo Giulia to be precise.
It’s a joke; he’s always been into cars. The last sports car he owned was a 1964 Jaguar E-type, acquired as a basket case and lovingly returned to full glory. But it turned out not to be the wonder car he’d imagined; fun to drive, but actually fairly uncomfortable except when outdoor temps stayed in a narrow range and the chosen road was not clogged with traffic. He actually sold the Jag many years before he began hankering for a fun-to-drive car again, and could also afford what he wanted.
I’m not a neglected wife, but rather an amused one. He never washes MY car that way! Still, the first few months, he never had a conversation with another human being that didn’t turn toward the Giulia. It did get rather tiresome. I knew to simply wait until the newness wore off. But when I think about that level of focus continuing for years and years and years…much less the economic cost of an affair with The Church…it really is breathtaking.
Bruce, I’m glad you walked away from that mistress.
Love the car story, Karen.
I bought my first computer in 1991 — a Vtech 286. I quickly fell in love with and obsessed over computers. So many stories I could tell. I’d go to my office in the church basement/annex building in the evenings to play with/work on my computers. Try new stuff, work on sermons, play DOS games, login to bulletin board services (BBS). Minutes would turn into hours. ? Polly took to saying, “so you are going to spend time with your girlfriend tonight?”
Polly learned that she married a man prone to excess and obsession. When I took up something new, I had to learning everything I could. I used to belong to the Computer Book Club. Had numerous books. I was driven to know everything I could about computers. Did the same thing with photography and blogging. So many girlfriends . . . ?
Wow Bruce, this article clearly shows WHERE your faith and love lay. It was in the CHURCH, not JESUS himself. Dan Barker wrote a book called “Losing faith in faith”. Note: he doesn’t say Losing faith in Jesus. No– he says “Losing faith in faith”.
Bruce– the church was your mistress, but you never really knew Jesus. Your article substantiated this. The “church” was robbing your time, not “Jesus”. This article is VERY enlightening. I am beginning to understand how deconverts become deconverts. They “accepted” a teaching and a church— they never really accepted Jesus at all!
Joe stands on a corner, shouting, “I found it. I found it. I found it. Proof the Bruce Gerencser was never a Christian. I was right!”
As usual, you show a lack of imagination, an inability to think beyond your peculiar theology and narrow conclusions about me.
All this article shows is that I was more devoted to the ministry than my family. I was Type A workaholic, and I still would be if physically able.
Let me be clear, I loved Jesus with my heart, soul, and might and my neighbor as myself. No amount of you pissing in my corn 🌽 flakes will change this fact.
The best thing about telling Jesus to take a hike is that I now have a much better relationship with my wife, a process which began long before I left the ministry.