Thousands of the readers of this blog are former Evangelicals; devout Christians who devoted their lives to God and the church; people who were saved, sanctified, Holy Ghost-filled followers of Jesus. While many of these people have left Christianity altogether, others have tried to find ways to hang onto their faith. Regardless of where they are presently, most of them struggle as they try to reconcile their Evangelical past, with its attendant beliefs, practices, and behaviors, with the people they have now become. I know for me personally, when I look at my past as an Evangelical pastor and a proponent of strict patriarchalism, I have a hard time reconciling my two very different lives. I struggle with guilt over my past life; the things I said and did. I was abusive, arrogant, and self-righteous. I psychologically, and, at times, physically harmed my wife, our six children, and the people who lovingly called me “preacher.” A decade of counseling hasn’t been able to rid me of the guilt I feel over the past. I suspect many of you know exactly what I am talking about.
The question I am focused on these days is why? Why did I become the man, husband, father, and preacher that I did? While the answers to this question are complex, I have concluded that my beliefs and behavior as an Evangelical husband, father, and preacher can be traced back to indoctrination and conditioning. I was raised in an Evangelical home, attended Evangelical churches for fifty years, trained for the ministry at an Evangelical college, married an Evangelical pastor’s daughter, and spent twenty-five years of my life pastoring Evangelical churches. How could I have not turned out exactly as I did? I was surrounded by family, preachers, and professors who reinforced my beliefs; beliefs that were rarely, if ever, challenged. The indoctrination and conditioning were such that I never doubted or questioned my beliefs. It is a miracle that my wife and I are atheists today. Everything militated against a loss of faith, yet somehow, some way, questions and doubts crept in. I know that it is rare for someone like me to deconvert. Am I special? Nope. If anything I’m lucky. By all accounts, I should still be preaching the gospel, winning souls, and pastoring an Evangelical church. Yet, here I am, a godless heathen. Go figure. 🙂
When I interact with devout Evangelicals on this site, I try to remember that I was once just like them. I know they have a hard time believing this to be true, but I can confidently say that had they known me in the 1980s or 1990s they would have considered me a man of God, a faithful preacher of the good news. They might even have joined my church.
I find myself in a somewhat unique position. I have been on both sides of aisle: devout Evangelical pastor, out-and-proud atheist. This allows me to have a perspective other people may not have. Many of you have similar unique perspectives. Hopefully, these experiences give us compassion for people who are still immersed in Evangelicalism. “Such were some of you,” the Bible says. It’s easy to become annoyed and irritated by Evangelical zealots. I know I have an increasingly short temper with God’s chosen ones. I have to remind myself, “Bruce you were once just like them. Be patient. Be kind. Be that still small voice in their heads.”
Religious indoctrination and conditioning cause untold heartache and harm. For those of us who have been delivered from Evangelicalism, we must give the Evangelicals we interact with the space to see the “light.” That’s not to say that some Evangelicals aren’t so deeply corrupted that it’s impossible to reach them. No amount of interaction with them will change their minds. The Revival Fires, Derrick Thiessens, and Kent Hovinds of the world are too far gone. They have committed the unpardonable sin. There’s no hope for them. We must be careful, however, to not treat other Evangelicals as we do Revival Fires, Thiessen, and Hovind. To quote the Apostle Paul, we must become all things to all men, so that by all means we might save some. If our goal is to reach Evangelicals who have been deeply indoctrinated and conditioned, we must be loving, patient, and kind. We must, even when they don’t, evidence the fruit of the Spirit in our godforsaken lives — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and sixteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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Some of the most effective tools in the arsenal of high demand religions are the requirements for segregation, isolation, and lack if access to outside information. Add to that threats of what may happen when members leave, including excommunication from the community, and you have a powerful method of retaining members. What really helped me in my escape from evangelicalism was access to people and ideas outside the bubble. I felt some things weren’t right about evangelicalism, and outside information confirmed that. I made the terrifying decision to leave, and that made all the difference. Therefore, in a twisted way, high demand religions are correct that outside influences are dangerous to their systems. It’s becoming harder and harder for high demand religions (in the West, that is) to maintain control over members’ exposure to out-groups.
Obstacle–Both the Catholic Church in which I grew up and the Evangelical church I later joined had their written an unwritten lists of “forbidden” books, movies, TV programs and such. I think the Evangelicals’ list was longer, but the Catholic church has institutionalized theirs through the Index and other means.
The Orthodox Jewish yeshiva in which I taught forbade their students from watching television, going to the movies, playing video games or reading most mainstream publications. (I had to get the head rabbi’s OK for any reading I assigned.) Sometimes I wonder how many of my former students encountered the things that were kept from them and “escaped.” A few boys expressed–to me, but not their families or the rabbis– their desire to do so, including one who believed he was gay. For that matter, I wonder how many of my Catholic school classmates and members of my former churches have done the same. I was in those churches and taught in that yeshiva in the days before the Internet, which may have lured some people away.
MJ, I have come across a few people from my evangelical past who are no longer evangelical, and a couple I suspect might be atheists (or at least agnostics). All of these encounters are through social media, text, and phone as I don’t see any of the people in person. Some are former members of our childhood Southern Baptist church, while the rest are former students (and one teacher) of the fundamentalist Christian school that was heavily Bob Jones University influenced. I would like to learn more about their stories, but I am not ready to reveal my atheism. They think I am liberal, as I think they are. They’ve all been able to retain their family ties somehow.
Unlike you, I got out 27 years ago at 35 years old, and while i was never a preacher I was a Choir director and worship leader in IFB churches and later with the Evangelical Free Church. Some day I’ll write my crazy life story for you to post.
Christianity, especially the American version, is in a sad state. Meanness is a top virtue, who’d have thought it ! Why the values of Medieval Europe are coddled and cherished in the 21st Century is just beyond me. I was on Yahoo yesterday,and one story stood out- the Pine Ridge Oglala reservation ordered all ministries out the community within a certain amount of time,and all must be recertified,and submit to a background check. Of course,some of these church groups are balking. Matthew Monfore,and IFB kid, put out pamphlets that justified the massacre at Wounded Knee, because a medicine managed Wovoka was promoting the Ghost Dance. Instead of the gospels. He left out the fact that soldiers/bluecoats from the nearest forts came in and shot everyone they saw, including kids and old people. He left THAT part out- and so, after calling their creator,Tunksila,the devil- he’s now persona non grata. I looked Monfore up, he’s a paranoid individual,a Calvinist, could be mistaken for an ISIS or Taliban member easily. In his typical Christian attire,sweater vest with slacks, he appears to be a harmless nerd. Facist have infiltrated the creed for centuries,but it’s worse now,for different reasons. No one should be forced to become a Christian any more that being forced to become a Muslim. It should be a voluntary choice. This little guy with the Napoleon complex is toxic. I’ve been hearing fo years that the worst of Christianity sets up shop in the reservations,taking advantage of their financial lack. Poverty porn,as one lival activists puts it. If kindness was truly valued and practiced in the churches, the abominations done to kids,women and poor people wouldn’t be so common. But,thanks to indoctrination, culturally, no one questions these evil events enough ! It really is cultural ! Yes,of course there are many Native Americans who are Christians,and it’s because they wanted to convert,and it works for them. But it can’t be forced,and Europe has much to answer for. It’s also why the fanatical types are so horrible. They openly glorify European history, especially what happened in the Americas. Congratulations to the Oglala Nation for giving that Fascist Monfore,the boot !!😃😀