Most people don’t understand chronic pain. They are human, so they understand “pain,” but not pain that comes and never leaves. All of us have faced periods of pain from an injury, illness, or disease, but chronic pain is different. Chronic pain is intractable because it never goes away. Medications, procedures, and treatments may help, but pain eventually returns. No matter what I do, the pain never totally goes away. All I, as a chronic pain sufferer, can do is manage my suffering, and even then, the results are varied.
I’ve been treated for chronic pain for twenty years. Countless drugs, procedures, treatments, and surgeries later, the pain remains. Last August, I had major surgery on my spine that alleviated some of the pain in my lower back. The pain was so severe that I do not doubt that without the surgery, I would have killed myself. Did the surgery “fix” my pain problem? Hell no, not even close. It addressed an issue, for which I am grateful, but one fact remains: there is no cure for my suffering. I know people mean well when they tell me they hope I’m feeling better, but “feeling better” is not an option for me. I have three kinds of days: less-pain days, more-pain days, and I-want-to-shoot-myself-in-the-head pain days. There is never a pain-free day. I function best when I have taken sufficient medication to tamp down my pain to tolerable levels. However, thanks to federal and state laws governing narcotics, I no longer, even with using cannabis, have sufficient daily medication usage that will give me what I need to fully function as a husband, father, grandfather, and writer. Pain doctors don’t help; I’ve seen four pain doctors, without success. My best care comes from my primary care physician, a man who genuinely cares about my well-being. But, he can’t do what he knows his best for me. He is one physician in a corporate practice of hundreds of doctors. The practice has arcane, abusive rules governing the prescribing of narcotics. Five years ago, I was taking the narcotics equivalent of 80 mg of morphine, along with a benzodiazepine for sleep. My pain was relatively managed with this drug regimen. Today? I take 40 mg of morphine equivalent narcotics — half of what I was taking five years ago. I take 20 mg of cannabis at night to help with my sleep, but it is not as effective as benzodiazepines. In other words, I am taking half as much medication to treat pain that is much worse than it was five years ago. I have done all I know to do, so this is my life — day in and day out, without release.
I know that the only cure for my suffering is death. No need to send me unsolicited medical advice, diet suggestions, or anything else you think will magically heal me. I have done my homework, and I have likely tried the very thing you are going to suggest. Do you really think taking a supplement, drinking apple cider, sleeping on magnets, or the latest homeopathic treatment (which is nothing more than water) will cure everything that ails me? What physical power do these things have to make a deteriorating spine rejuvenate itself or cure incurable diseases such as gastroparesis and endocrine pancreatic insufficiency? Give me credit for knowing and understanding my body, and being well educated on the available treatments for my ailments.
I wish my life were different; that I could still run and play with my grandchildren, or work in the yard without spending days in bed recovering, but no amount of wishful thinking will change the fact that chronic pain has crippled me to such a degree that I can no longer do these things. I have accepted that this is my lot in life, and I do everything I can to live another day.
Do you live with chronic pain? Please share your experiences in the comment section. Let’s cry in our beer together. 🙂
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and sixteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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I’m sorry. I don’t have the same pain but yeah.
I won’t talk about what I take or don’t take to help me manage, but I haven’t had a pain free day in 14 years and won’t. Ever.
(I think you’re supposed to stick the magnets up your butt….) 😉
Some days I wonder the goal is for either us to die or become illegal drug users. 🙁
It sucks that we have politicians, many of whom probably struggled to get a C in high school biology and chemistry, making laws about medical issues. We should be listening to medical researchers. And to be fair, because recommendations change as new information is gathered through scientific inquiry, we should be able to pivot to best new recommendations. Is that perfect? No, because there can be conflicting interpretations of results, but it would be better than prohibitions because “ALL dRuGs ArE bAd”.
I’m sorry you go through all that. It sucks.
Hello Bruce,
It is distressing to know that someone I admire so much is having to combat such horrendous physical aliments.
Lumped together with the constant psychological attacks against you for your stand on christianity, (small c on purpose) makes you one hell of tough man in my book. We are of the same age and I am afflicted with heart disease and diabetes but am still able to work (barely) but compared to your situation it is not remotely comparable.
Unfortunately you, I, and everyone else, faces the grim reality of two societal factors that make aging, disease and our inevitable exit far more difficult and grim than it should remotely be.
From the “secular world” we are confronted with “Lawyers” and “Money” dictating the distribution of pain medication, and “financial” end of life realities. Thank you “Sackler Family”, another fine legacy from a bunch of greedy ASSHOLES. The medial profession, out of fear of financial, if not criminal retribution, refuses to prescribe adequate pain medication, very much a consequence of the Sackler’s, for cancer sufferers or the many diseases afflicting the human race.
Then you have the christian assholes, many of them in gov’t, past and present that have created laws, punishments, and financial retribution (talking about insurance policies, and many other aspects), for those that want to end their suffering prematurely. I have always considered Kevorkian a hero. I wish the entire U.S. would adopt end of life scenarios similar to Oregon. But no, the shitty christian ethos of making the sick and elderly suffer to the maximum extent before being claimed by disease or injury is something they take pride in. It’s just lovely how christianity has created the fear factor of “going to hell” for those that want to go out a bit early early to end suffering. Shit, we put animals to sleep to end their pain, but oh no, christians will not allow the same courtesy to their fellow man.
Anyway, I appreciate your struggle to continue your fight to reveal the truth. and consider it an honor to have stumbled upon you via you tube and your site. Thank you for all you do.
Yes, I live with chronic pain as well as too many bouts of acute pain. I am someone who was raised in a personality disordered home. I ignored my pain because the pain of others was something I couldn’t compete with. My mother was into what we call the “wellness community” now. I’ve tried many things. Not the magnets though. Hmm? Maybe I should . . . just kidding.
Medically speaking, I also felt ignored. Well, actually it wasn’t about “feeling.” I was ignored.
I lived through too many years of being told I was born a sinner and therefore my pain was my fault. Got the same thing inside the wellness industry.
Then I had the Christians who told me I must being doing something great for God because Satan was attacking me so much.
It’s all so exhausting.
The Sacklers are synonymous with addictive drugs for profit but to be fair they only took advantage of a money driven system that allowed, motivated, and enabled them. The outrageous marketing of drugs on mass media enables directly convincing impressionable people to “ask your doctor” for profitable drugs that pharmaceutical giants want to sell, (can you say VioXX?). All signs of integrity in mass media is subverted by billions of advertising dollars poured into their coffers. Media Corporations won’t tell their audience a drug is dangerous, ineffective, or otherwise questionable when it’s maker funds networks. Drug advertising is so pernicious that it’s not allowed anywhere else except (as I recall) New Zealand. It’s a feature of our society. Corporate power is allowed to accumulate to where it was able to influence laws enabling direct drug advertising. Right and wrong are irrelevant, only profit and loss being material to corporations. Think of that when you see back-to-back drug ads on a “news” program. The Sackler drama indicts a greed driven corporate system run amok. The costs of addiction caused enactment of laws restricting access to pain medication, essentially blaming and further victimizing victims. Yes thanks a lot Sacklers and thanks a lot big pharma for all those helpful pill ads. There should be few limits to freedom of speech. A red line should be direct drug advertising.
Before my endometriosis was treated I would lay awake at night and cry or wonder if something in my already restricted diet was making me sick or take a hot shower or try to find the right spot with the heating pad hoping it would all be better by magic. Luckily, I found a doctor who listened and performed a surgery that saved me a lot of pain. I hate that it took years of complaining and several different doctors.
Ketamine, injected by a doctor, helps for physical and psychological pain. I’m currently not in a position to receive it but I hope to soon.
Sorry Bruce, I’d offer to send healing vibes but it won’t do you any better than magnets or vinegar.
My chronic pain gets a little worse every year. I still function, but even fun activities require a long recovery time. Pain management medical care is nowhere where it should be.