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Songs of Sacrilege: We’re All Going to Hell by The Bastard Fairies

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This is the fourteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is We’re All Going to Hell  by The Bastard Fairies, an American music group from Los Angeles.

Video Link

Lyrics

All you Mormons who like cussing, you are going to hell
All you preachers who like fucking, you are going to hell
Little boys that choke the chicken, you are going to hell
It’s the nature of evolution, the dinosaurs went to hell

-CHORUS-
Hell hell hell it’s a wonderful place
It’s a place of fire and brimstone

All you Christian politicians, you are going to hell
Magic Jesus apparitions send you to hell
Buddhist monks without god you are going to hell
Those of you dissecting frogs, you are going to hell

CHORUS

(talking)
I need a beer
-Can opening-
Ha-ha that was pretty good
Ahh. Okay

All you Catholics wearing condoms, you are going to hell
All us fatties eating bonbons, we are going to hell
Unbaptized babies learn to limbo, purgatory is hell
And your religion is a gamble and you are going to hell

CHORUS

Check this shit out x 2
It’s gunna change your life x2

There once was a man who thought that if he ate all the pages in the bible he could kill most anything
In 1913 he died of a stroke when he tried to eat the book of kings

Eat the book of kings x2

Songs of Sacrilege: Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones

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This is the thirteenth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is  Sympathy for the Devil by The Rolling Stones.

Video Link

Lyrics

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man’s soul to waste

And I was ’round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersburg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the Tsar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

I rode a tank
Held a general’s rank
When the blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
Ah, what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah
(Woo woo, woo woo)

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the gods they made
(Woo woo, woo woo)

I shouted out,
Who killed the Kennedys?
When after all
It was you and me
(Who who, who who)

Let me please introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
And I laid traps for troubadours
Who get killed before they reached Bombay
(Woo woo, who who)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
(Who who)
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah, get down, baby
(Who who, who who)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, oh yeah
But what’s confusing you
Is just the nature of my game
(Woo woo, who who)

Just as every cop is a criminal
And all the sinners saints
As heads is tails
Just call me Lucifer
‘Cause I’m in need of some restraint
(Who who, who who)

So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some taste
(Woo woo)
Use all your well-learned politnesse
Or I’ll lay your soul to waste, mm yeah
(Woo woo, woo woo)

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guessed my name, mm yeah
(Who who)
But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, mm mean it, get down
(Woo woo, woo woo)

Woo, who
Oh yeah, get on down
Oh yeah
Oh yeah!
(Woo woo)

Tell me baby, what’s my name
Tell me honey, can ya guess my name
Tell me baby, what’s my name
I tell you one time, you’re to blame

Oh, who
Woo, woo
Woo, who
Woo, woo
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Oh, yeah

What’s my name
Tell me, baby, what’s my name
Tell me, sweetie, what’s my name my name is rick I say

Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who rick
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Woo, who, who
Oh, yeah
Woo woo
Woo woo

 

A Ruckmanite Sighting in Delphos, Ohio

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peter ruckman
Peter Ruckman, pastor of Bible Baptist Church, Pensacola, Florida

A Ruckmanite is an Independent Baptist, 1611 King James Only, follower of twice divorced, thrice married Florida Baptist preacher Peter Ruckman. Ruckmanites believe  the 1611 King James version of the Bible is the p-e-r-f-e-c-t word of God for English-speaking people. They are generally known for having bombastic, hateful personalities. They think they are the smartest person in any room and consider Bart Ehrman an illiterate hillbilly.  Ruckmanism is quite popular in Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) churches.

You can check out Ruckman’s literary work here.

Over the weekend, Polly and I took a road trip south of here and ended up in Delphos, Ohio. As we were checking out Delphos, we stumbled across a Peter Ruckman follower or at least a person who buys signs and bumper stickers from Ruckman’s bookstore. Here’s some of the photographs I took of the Ruckmanite’s home and automobile.  I think the photographs will tell you all you need to know!

ruckmanite delphos ohio (2)
Yes, that is the Israeli flag

ruckmanite delphos ohio (3)

ruckmanite delphos ohio (4)

ruckmanite delphos ohio (5)

ruckmanite delphos ohio (6)

ruckmanite delphos ohio (1)
Look closely at the window and you will see a Confederate flag

The Advocatus Atheist: Seeing the World through the Eyes of an Atheist

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advocatus atheist My friend Tristan Vick, is making his latest book, The Advocatus Atheist: Seeing the World through the Eyes of an Atheist, available for FREE, Kindle version only. Tristan is a great guy. Over the years, through every crazy twist and turn of my life, Tristan has been a friend to me. I encourage you to take Tristan up on his FREE Kindle book offer.

You can check out Tristan’s other books here.

Tristan also has a blog, Advocatus Atheist.

Please note that the free book offer is a limited time offer.

Ken Ham Say Dinosaurs are in the Bible Because They Have to Be

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dinosaurs noahs ark

Ken Ham, CEO of Answers in Genesis and the Creation Museum, and a staunch defender of young earth creationism, believes that dinosaurs are in the Bible.  His proof? I’ll let Ham speak for himself:

To understand dinosaurs, we need to look at what the Bible teaches us about Earth’s history. We also need to recognize that the word dinosaur wasn’t invented until 1841, as a word for a particular group of land animals. According to Genesis, God created everything in six, literal, 24-hour days. Land animals were created on Day Six of Creation Week .

Since dinosaurs are land animals (some people think that certain flying and marine reptiles were dinosaurs, but these actually aren’t classified as dinosaurs), they must have been created on Day Six as well. Originally all dinosaurs, like everything else, were created vegetarian . They didn’t begin to eat meat until after Adam and Eve rebelled against God.

The reason we have a number of dinosaurs buried in sedimentary layers is because of the global Flood described in Genesis 6–8. This catastrophic Flood would have ripped up miles of sediment, trapping and burying creatures that weren’t on the Ark as it was re-deposited. These creatures turned into fossils that we dig up today. After the Flood, dinosaurs died out for many of the same reason species die out today: changes in climate, habitat, lack of food, human predation, and so on.

Dinosaurs aren’t a mystery when you start with the history recorded in God’s Word. The Bible perfectly explains dinosaurs. They are just another example of the incredible variety of creatures that God created in the beginning…

Simply put, since God created everything, and the universe is only 6,019 years old, God not only created dinosaurs, they roamed the earth at the same time as Adam and Eve.

For Ham, it’s not about the science. In Ham’s world, the Bible is an inspired, inerrant, infallible book. When it speaks to matters of science, it is absolutely, infallibly correct. No matter what science tell us, no matter what archeology tells us, no matter what geology tells us, no matter what biology tells us, the BIBLE trumps all of them.

Let this be a reminder of why it is a waste of time to talk to, debate, or argue with young earth creationists. Their minds are shut off to anything but their narrow, literalistic interpretation of the Bible. Arguing science with them never works. Until they come to see that the foundation of their system of belief, the Bible, is not what they claim it is, there is no hope for them. Before Jerry Coyne can do his job, Bart Ehrman must do his. Until the Bible is shown to be errant and fallible, their interpretations will remain inerrant and infallible.

Comic by Dan Piraro

Easter: Fact, Fiction, or a Great Story?

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Here’s an infographic by Jericho Brisance ( Matt Barsotti) that accurately reflects the challenges and difficulties facing Bible readers when they attempt to determine exactly what happened on the first Easter Sunday. I appreciate Matt’s hard work in putting this infographic together.

jericho brisance easter chart

Click to display and download full size graphic 1280×5376 Click on graphic to expand to full size

Taking Easter Seriously Infographic by Jericho Brisance (website no longer active)

Is the Church of Scientology a Religion?

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tom cruise church of scientology
Tom Cruise, speaking at the opening of a Scientology church in Madrid.

Is the Church of Scientology a religion? No, the Evangelical indignantly says. They are a cult. Do you know what they believe, Bruce? Why they believe:

75 million years ago there was an intergalactic ruler called Xenu (Zee – Noo) who had a population problem that made China look pathetic. To get round this little hiccup, Xenu enlisted the help of evil psychiatrists to drug a whole shit ton of aliens, freeze them in ice, and then load them onto space planes that looked suspiciously like a common airliner of the 1950’s – the DC-8 Comet (only painted all shiny like and with space rockets)

The aliens got shipped to earth, where they were dropped in and around volcanoes (just stick with it, it gets better), at which point Xenu detonated a crap load of nukes just in case the volcanoes didnt finish the job.

The alien souls, or “Thetans” (Fay-Tans) soon started drifting upwards, but the wise and mighty Xenu had forseen this, and cunningly built electric fences. Cos y’know, electric fences are good at catching souls?

The Thetans were then brainwashed for a considerable period of time before being set loose, where they roamed about all confused and dazed. Eventually they latched on to early mankind, and are now the source of all our confusion.

Surely, even you,Bruce, can see that Scientology is a whacked out, crazy false religion. Not really. Is the central tenets of Scientology any different from the core beliefs of Christianity? The only difference between the two is that one has been around 60+ years and the other has been around 2,000 years.

In a recent The Daily Beast interview, Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson had this to say about Scientology and religion in general:

I’m curious what your take on Scientology is, because the intergalactic story of Xenu does encroach on your territory a bit.

So, you have people who are certain that a man in a robe transforms a cracker into the literal body of Jesus saying that what goes on in Scientology is crazy? Let’s realize this: What matters is not who says who’s crazy, what matters is we live in a free country. You can believe whatever you want, otherwise it’s not a free country—it’s something else. If we start controlling what people think and why they think it, we have case studies where that became the norm. I don’t care what the tenets are of Scientology. They don’t distract me. I don’t judge them, and I don’t criticize them.

Now, where the rubber hits the road is, since we are a free country where belief systems are constitutionally protected—provided they don’t infringe on the rights of others—then how do you have governance over “all” when you have belief systems for the “some”? It seems to me that the way you govern people is you base governance on things that are objectively true; that are true regardless of your belief system, or no matter what the tenets are of your holy documents. And then they should base it on objective truths that apply to everyone. So the issue comes about not that there are religious people in the world that have one view over another, it’s if you have one view or another based on faith and you want to legislate that in a way that affects everyone. That’s no longer a free democracy. That’s a country where the few who have a belief system that’s not based in objective reality want to control the behavior of everyone else.

The documentary essentially argues that Scientology shouldn’t be granted tax-exempt status as a religion.

But why aren’t they a religion? What is it that makes them a religion and others are religions? If you attend a Seder, there’s an empty chair sitting right there and the door is unlocked because Elijah might walk in. OK. These are educated people who do this. Now, some will say it’s ritual, some will say it could literally happen. But religions, if you analyze them, who is to say that one religion is rational and another isn’t? It looks like the older those thoughts have been around, the likelier it is to be declared a religion. If you’ve been around 1,000 years you’re a religion, and if you’ve been around 100 years, you’re a cult. That’s how people want to divide the kingdom. Religions have edited themselves over the years to fit the times, so I’m not going to sit here and say Scientology is an illegitimate religion and other religions are legitimate religions. They’re all based on belief systems. Look at Mormonism! There are ideas that are as space-exotic within Mormonism as there are within Scientology, and it’s more accepted because it’s a little older than Scientology is, so are we just more accepting of something that’s older?

The line I’m drawing is that there are religions and belief systems, and objective truths. And if we’re going to govern a country, we need to base that governance on objective truths—not your personal belief system.

Tyson sums up my view quite well. Each to their own, but keep it to yourself and keep your damn hands off the government.

Songs of Sacrilege: Thank You God by Tim Minchin

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This is the twelfth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Thank You God by Tim Minchin, a British-born Australian comedian, actor, and musician.

There is a comedy bit for the first 5 minutes. the song begins at the 5:25 mark.

Video Link

Lyrics

I have an apology to make
I’m afraid I’ve made a big mistake
I turned my face away from you, Lord

I was too blind to see the light
I was too meek to feel Your might
I closed my eyes; I couldn’t see the truth, Lord

But then like Saul on the Damascus road,
You sent a messenger to me, and so
Now I’ve have had the truth revealed to me
Please forgive me all those things I said
I’ll no longer betray you, Lord
I will pray to you instead

And I will say thank you, thank you
Thank you, God
Thank you, thank you
Thank you, God…

Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
I had no idea, but it’s suddenly so clear now
I feel such a cynic, how could I have been so wrong?
Thank you for displaying how praying works:
A particular prayer in a particular church
Thank you Sam for the chance to acknowledge this
Omnipotent ophthalmologist

Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
I didn’t realize that it was so simple
But you’ve shown a great example of just how it can be done
You only need to pray in a particular spot
To a particular version of a particular god,
And if you pull that off without a hitch,
He will fix one eye of one middle-class white bitch

I know in the past my outlook has been limited
I couldn’t see examples of where life had been definitive
But I can admit it when the evidence is clear,
As clear as Sam’s mum’s new cornea
(And that’s extremely clear! )

Thank you, God, for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum
I have to admit that in the past I have been skeptical
But Sam described this miracle and I am overcome!
How fitting that the sighting of a sight-based intervention
Should open my eyes to this exciting new dimension
It’s like someone put an eye chart up in front of me
And the top five letters say: I C, G O D

Thank you, Sam, for showing how my point of view has been so flawed
I assumed there was no God at all but now I see that’s cynical
It’s simply that his interests aren’t particularly broad
He’s largely undiverted by the starving masses,
Or the inequality between the various classes
He gives out strictly limited passes,
Redeemable for surgery or two-for-one glasses

I feel so shocking for historically mocking
Your interests are clearly confined to the ocular
I bet given the chance, you’d eschew the divine
And start a little business selling contacts online

Fuck me Sam, what are the odds
That of history’s endless parade of gods
That the God you just happened to be taught to believe in
Is the actual God and he digs on healing,
But not the AIDS-ridden African nations
Nor the victims of the plague, nor the flood-addled Asians,
But healthy, privately-insured Australians
With common and curable lens degeneration

The story of Sam’s has but a single explanation:
A surgical God who digs on magic operations
No, it couldn’t be mistaken attribution of causation
Born of a coincidental temporal correlation
Exacerbated by a general lack of education
Vis-a-vis physics in Sam’s parish congregation
No it couldn’t be that all these pious people are liars
It couldn’t be an artifact of confirmation bias
A product of groupthink,
A mass delusion,
An Emperor’s New Clothes-style fear of exclusion

No, it’s more likely to be an all-powerful magician
Than the misdiagnosis of the initial condition,
Or one of many cases of spontaneous remission,
Or a record-keeping glitch by the local physician

No, the only explanation for Sam’s mum’s seeing:
They prayed to an all-knowing superbeing,
To the omnipresent master of the universe,
And he quite liked the sound of their muttered verse.

So for a bit of a change from his usual stunt
Of being a sexist, racist, murderous cunt
He popped down to Dandenong and just like that
Used his powers to heal the cataracts of Sam’s mum
Of Sam’s mum

Thank you God for fixing the cataracts of Sam’s mum!
I didn’t realize that it was such a simple thing
I feel such a dingaling, what ignorant scum!

Now I understand a prayer can work:
A particular prayer in a particular church
In a particular style with a particular stuff
And for particular problems that aren’t particularly tough,
And for particular people, preferably white
And for particular senses, preferably sight
A particular prayer in a particular spot
To a particular version of a particular god

And if you get that right, he just might
Take a break from giving babies malaria
And pop down to your local area
And fix the cataracts of your mum!

Songs of Sacrilege: The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates

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This is the eleventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates. Garfunkel and Oates is an American comedy–folk duo from Los Angeles, California, consisting of actress–songwriters Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci. Warning! This song contains sexually explicit lyrics.

Lest anyone doubt the premise of this song, I know Christians who once believed anal and oral sex was not sinful. This is the natural conclusion of trying to develop a sexual ethic with a literal/fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible.

 

Video Link

Lyrics

All my life I’ve been good
Do what my mom and dad and God say I should
Go to church and Bible School
To live by God’s rule

So whatever people tell me
That The Bible tells me
I will do

Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check
It was easy to do until I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he’s cute as heck

But I made a pact
To keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight

Never learned about the birds and the bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
Cause The Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long

I don’t want to lose him
To someone who’ll do him
I need to figure something out

Well there’s a loophole in The Scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It’s my Hail Mary, full of grace
In Jesus’ name we go to fifth base!

Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I’m not a godless whore
He’ll have to come in the back door
Therefore

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

It’s hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maiden head

So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come

Oops! I mean let’s join our souls
And unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God

Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan’s doorbell, God can’t ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin

I’ve emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I’m ready for romance

Now I’m praying to the Power that’s the Highest
But of all of my holes, this ones the driest
And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
And God is OK with sodomy, but only if you’re straight

And I’m staying pure, no matter what
So I’m OK with everything butt
Everything butt
Everything butt

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

I do whatever The Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they’re unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest I live by for sure

So let’s not talk about how the Good Book bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays because those parts don’t count, of course
Let’s cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry and mine it for ambiguities and omissions
To circumvent any real sacrifice, but still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions

And don’t you dare question my convictions
And don’t look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction

As the only way to measure if you’re good or not
And in a debate, just say to “have faith”
Because when you’re up against logic, it’s the only card you’ve got

So close your eyes
Take a deep breath
And..

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
But sometimes you need to think outside the box