Guest Post by Anonymous
I grew up Jewish in cultural identity, only never once stepping inside a synagogue for family services except to attend preschool, Purim parties, and my friends Bar/Bat Mitzvahs. I never had a Bat Mitzvah. The word “God” was never mentioned except in swear words. I knew, without my parents saying anything, that they did not believe in God.
The area in which I grew up was predominantly Jewish and Catholic. I had Jewish and Catholic friends and a few Protestants too. I also had a friend whose family was Christian Science. I noticed that her family was kind to one another. They had a framed saying in their house that said things about how to treat others that I wished my family had followed. They went around the dinner table talking about one good thing in their day. I wished my family had done that. My Protestant friends’ families were nice too. I wanted a nice family.
My entire childhood was fraught with physical and emotional abuse via the hands and mouth of my mother. She is not really my “mother” but just the person who birthed me into this world. Besides that, there was no mothering, just abuse and consequently, a lifetime of therapy.
It was from my Catholic friends that I heard about God, Heaven, and Hell. I would spend the night at their house and go to church with them the next day. I wondered what I was missing out on in life such as how to live, how to be kind, how to treat others. One day, I recall sitting in my friend’s church thinking, “When I grow up, I’m going to convert ‘cause I want to go to Heaven.”
I knew I would not be allowed to do that while still in my parents’ house since we were Jewish. My dad had a lot of pride in being Jewish. He also had animosity towards those who persecuted Jews. His own parents and siblings fled the Czar of Russia from Poland to come to the US. He was the last child and was born in the US. He was livid toward the Germans, and we were not allowed to buy anything German.
When I was 16, I got curious about Judaism and started going to a synagogue every Friday night. At 18, I moved out of the house and started “searching for the truth.” At 20, I became a Christian through my sister who also became a Christian. My parents disowned me. My dad didn’t speak to me again for the next six years — until two weeks before he died unexpectedly three days before my 26th birthday. I have hope that, had he continued to live, our relationship would have been restored.
For the next 33 years, I was a full-fledged believer. I truly surrendered my life to Christ. I felt like I had the Holy Spirit in me guiding me. I married a believer, and we had 3 kids, all of whom we tried to brainwash as well. We attended church every week and on Wednesdays. I went to all the Ladies Bible studies, circles, groups, retreats, etc. I have to say a lot of it was helpful because I truly did not know what love was and learned a lot about how to treat one another. I can’t say I ever really truly felt God’s love. It was hard for me to accept, due to my mom’s abuse. I also never truly believed in Heaven and Hell as much as I wanted to and inasmuch as that was the driving force for me to convert. Whenever someone died and everyone would be “rejoicing that person is with the Lord” and “walking on the streets of gold in Heaven” I doubted and did an internal eye roll. However, besides that, I was a tried-and-true believer.
My descent into unbelief, or should I say, ascent, is as quick as switching a light switch. But I must give a little background into my 27-year marriage for it to make some sense. My marriage was also fraught with emotional abuse by my now ex. (A common occurrence if one grows up with an abusive parent is to marry an abuser). There were a lot of criticisms, not being able to do anything right, my cooking was no good, my hair, clothes, way I decorated the house, the groceries I bought, how I raised the kids, all not good enough. He also was not there for me during some major medical incidents. Left me miscarrying all by myself so he could go play ball with his friends. Left me while on bed rest with our two other small children when I thought we might lose our third child at 24 weeks of pregnancy. It was his birthday weekend and he was furious I got put on bed rest and “ruined” his birthday so he went out to have a good time. He’d work all week and on Saturdays and then be too tired to do anything with the family. He admitted later he was gone on purpose so he didn’t have to help me with the kids.
We went to numerous Christian counselors who pointed the blame at me since I “was the one who came from the screwed-up background.” I was told I was “emasculating” my spouse if I asked him to help me. I was told to “make sure you cook his favorite meal, keep the house clean, keep the kids quiet, be more submissive.” I tried to do all that and more and nothing worked.
Finally, I went to a counselor who told me I was being emotionally abused. I was like, “what???” I started reading about the subject and listening to podcasts. I couldn’t believe it. I could have written the books. I heard the term narcissist and narcissistic abuse. I scarfed down all the information I could get my hands on. Everything was making sense now. That is exactly what I had been living in for 25 years.
I knew I had to get out before this discovery, but I also had to go back to school for a way to support myself. I got my graduate degree in counseling and still tried to make the marriage work. It wasn’t until I discovered some texts on my spouse’s phone and learned that he had been sneaking around behind my back, that it was finally over. I asked him to leave. He, of course, blamed the affairs on me. He left after trying to bully me around.
The very next Sunday after asking him to leave, I went to church by myself. I went into the sanctuary where we were singing worship music. It was at that moment it hit me like a ton of bricks that God is a narcissist too. Here we are singing praises to some creature. We are all supposed to bow down and worship this being, and if we’re lucky, he may throw us a bone or crumb every so often after begging and praying a ton. I couldn’t stomach the singing. I stopped singing and just stood there with this enlightenment.
I went to Sunday School where they followed up on the sermon. I recalled the sermon made negative mention of homosexuality. I didn’t like that. In Sunday School, it was more of the same, the judgement. I didn’t want any part of that. I didn’t like the hate. When it came time for prayer requests, I saw how all these people who are supposedly trusting in Jesus, were very anxious, asking for God to make their life go a certain way. I had already come through all of that, praying for God to save my marriage. It didn’t work. What did work for me was accepting life as it was and doing what I could to make my life better.
You would think I would not have gone back to church, but I did the following week just to be sure. I went to worship, and, again, could not stand the worship music to this narcissistic being. We all have to “lose our lives” for this invisible being. I realized this is all insane. This narcissistic God does not exist. It was an instant switch flipping for me. That was the end. I went straight home, didn’t even go to Sunday School. I never went back to church since that day more than seven years ago.
It was a rough time in my life. I had just separated after 25 years of marriage. We had to sell our beautiful family home. I went through empty nest at the same time. I lost all my friends since they were all Christians. I had to try to build my private practice cause the ex was playing games financially. I do not care to repeat any of that time of my life.
Sundays were hard for a couple of years until I got used to it. I found local Freethinker and atheist groups and also groups on Facebook. I talked to one of my Christian friends and she told me she’s not a believer anymore either but hadn’t come out yet to anyone. That was refreshing having her. I read a lot of books as well as tons of podcasts from others who didn’t believe anymore along with books discussing errors in the Bible etc. I think that’ll be a lifelong journey.
When I look back on my beliefs now, I’ve done a 180 on all social issues. I shake my head in disbelief that I was so hoodwinked into that belief system. I still have Christian friends who make sure they tell me they are praying for me, or how God is helping them. Again, another internal eye roll. They have told me I am mad at God. I tell them I can’t be mad at something I don’t believe in. They tell me the reason I am suffering so much (during that horrible time of my life) is because I don’t believe in God. I told them I don’t need to make up a God to get through this. I need to face this pain head-on and live in reality.
It’s taking a lot of time to find a new community of nonbelievers, and I’m still working on it since I just moved recently. But, I’m glad I’m free from the ludicrousness.
In case anyone is wondering, two of my three kids did not fall for the Kool-Aid. The third is on the fence and hasn’t been to church since the pandemic. She uses her brain and got vaccinated and wears a mask, and we’re aligned on all social and racial issues. She could see how Trump was a narcissist and also couldn’t understand how Christians could fall for him. I’m relieved I didn’t totally screw her up.
So, that’s my conversion and deconversion story with bits of my life scattered in along the way. Hope it was helpful to someone 🙂
Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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Oh my goodness, how I relate so well to each aspect conveyed.. Living in the bible belt, I feel fortunate to have my daughters go through the deconversion process with me and walking away from much abuse. Being deprogrammed spiritually, emotionally and politically, is a freedom never possible before and certainly never ever expected.
It takes a great deal of courage to change your life and escape from the hell of living with a narcissist.
I’d never considered the idea of god (if one believes) being a narcissist. Now I can’t NOT see it.
I deconverted a LONG time ago. Funny I never looked at it that way. Escaping from the narcissism of god is something I’ll be pondering awhile.
Thank you for your story. It sounds like you had to be brave to escape the abuse, but you did it. I had a decent family upbringing, so it is still shocking to me that others, like you, suffered abuse from their parents. Your story is very encouraging.
Thank you for your post, Hannah. Two things resonate with me. First the ‘he may throw us a bone or crumb every so often after begging and praying a ton’. I too suddenly realised it’s all I ever got. Yay jesus, I found those lost car keys, but that week a beloved young pastor died of brain cancer leaving a pregnant wife, though we’d prayed long and hard for him. And the being ‘mad at god’ idea. I was told my deconversion was cos I’d had a serious illness, nearly died and blamed him. But, my fundy family were convinced it was temporary, I’d get over that emotion, I would read the bible some more, ask for forgiveness for being ‘mad ‘at him and return to his loving arms. Isn’t it wonderful to be free of serving such an implacable – and fictitious – deity?
Hannah, thank you for sharing your story. It took a lot if courage to come out of all that! Living in NJ we encounter a good number of people who were so generationally traumatized by pogroms, the Holocaust, and other antisemitism that they’ve devoted their lives to keeping Judaism going. Conservative Christianity has its own persecution narrative, though not based in reality. The Abrahamic deity/deities is/are steeped in so much narcissism and abuse. Even the sects that proclaim that their deity is omnibenevolent and omnipotent have the conundrum of the problem of evil.
It sounds like you have reached a place of good mental health.
Hannah, I admire and respect your courage in walking away from the people and institutions that abused you, and used the wounds from that abuse as portals through which they could manipulate you.
Your self-awareness is astounding. And your story is practically a parable (if you’ll pardon the Biblical term) of how we move are drawn to relive the traumas of our formative experiences until we gain the sort of self-awareness you now have.
I couldn’t help but to notice how often you used the word “narcissistic.” It helps in understanding why so many evangelical Christians—and other orthodox and fundamentalist believers in the Abrahamic religions—are so drawn to actual and would-be autocrats like Trump, Putin, Orban and Hitler.
Something else occurred to me as I read your story, Hannah. We are sometimes accused of being angry at or hating God. As you point out, that’s not possible because we can’t hate something we don’t believe in. I realized, in reading your story, that folks who make such an accusation are sometimes conflating the anger or hatred some of us have toward the churches (or synagogues or mosques) of which we were a part with having those same feelings toward a being in which we no longer believe.
The discovery that the Christian god is a narcissist was brilliant. It took me years after my own deconversion to realize that it is true, and I applaud you seeing it so clearly. (I haven’t studied any other deities, but I do wonder, is there something in human minds that attracts us to believing in narcissistic deities?)
You had to go through a terrible journey to reach your now, and I’m so sad that all that happened to you. I’m awed at how you managed to get through it, and glad your children are thinkers, not brainwashed. I celebrate you.
Much gratitude to you, Hannah, for taking the time to clearly offer us your story of coming to consciousness. It brings tears to some of us when we hear the truth told in such a focussed, unencumbered way. You are a good person and brave. I celebrate you along with Karen and the others who have read your offering. Your offering here is worth more than than the all the riches dumped into offering plates in churches. Thank-you Hannah. I wish you much joy and gratitiude in your freedom to be, your freedom from narcissistic constructs, selfish people who harm and call it God’s love. I too served a narcissist in my life and have struggled to accept that I was brought up to harm myself this way. What long and painful recovery it has been. You are a gift to me. Again, much gratitude.
“I told them I don’t need to make up a God to get through this. I need to face this pain head-on and live in reality.” Bravo, Hannah! You are a brave and clear-sighted woman. Your life is going to blossom in ways that will amaze and please you. You will find kindred spirits in volunteer groups – artistic, social, whatever interests you. The world is yours now. 🙂👍👍👍