By Dr. Bruce Gerencser, resident scholar, specializing in snarkiness and smartassery
Evangelical preachers have been preaching about the “rapture” — the sudden, imminent return of Jesus to the atmosphere of Earth to remove all living Christians and transport them to Heaven — my whole life. I am now sixty-six years old. I can’t remember a time when an Evangelical preacher wasn’t predicting that Jesus would soon return to Earth and snatch away born-again believers. Some preachers even give dates for the rapture. Dozens of dates have come and gone without the rapture taking place. Famed Southern Baptist evangelist Bob Harrington was fond of saying, “I am not looking for the undertaker, I’m looking for the uppertaker.” Harrington died in 2017. He may have not been looking for the undertaker, but the undertaker was looking for him. Jesus was nowhere to be found.
Hal Lindsay, Jack Van Impe, Harold Camping, Edgar Whisenant, and countless other preachers have set a date for the rapture. None of their predictions has come true What are we to make of their failed predictions? Does this mean that these men are false prophets? Should we stone them to death?
As a lifelong follower of rapture pronouncements, I have come up with a new explanation for why the rapture never happens — all straight from the Bible.
First, the earth is flat.
Second, an ice wall surrounds the earth.
Third, there is an atmospheric dome that covers the earth.
Fourth, when Jesus returns to earth, the angel Gabriel will play his trumpet, announcing the rapture is nigh.
Fifth, as believers are pulled naked out of their clothes as they rise to the heavens, all of a sudden they slam into the dome and fall back to earth! Physics, Jesus.
What’s strange is that there are no past news reports of millions of naked Christians exposing themselves in public. Weird, right? I suspect that Jesus — in Men in Black fashion — wipes from the minds of humanity any thoughts of recent events. Evidence? Think of how many times Evangelical preachers have predicted the rapture — without success. Believers never seem to remember past failed predictions. Remember all those preachers who predicted Donald Trump would win the 2020 presidential election? Nary a word about their false prophecies. Instead, they have moved on to predicting Trump will win in 2024 and take America back for God. So it is for these rapture preachers. They want you to forget past predictions, and focus, instead, on their latest pronouncement. “Jesus’ return is imminent! He could return today!” they say. “And while you are waiting for Jesus to show up, please send a donation to my ministry.”
I predict that Jesus will not rapture away the church. Until Elon Musk sends a spaceship to the upper atmosphere and cuts a hole so believers can escape when the trumpet sounds, Evangelicals will just have to wait patiently to be raptured.
What I have written here is every bit as true as a dead Jewish man miraculously coming back to life, ascending to Heaven, never to be seen or heard from again, only to one day have an angel blow a trumpet announcing his return to Earth so he can rapture away millions of Christians.
Prove me wrong! 🙂
Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
Connect with me on social media:
Your comments are welcome and appreciated. All first-time comments are moderated. Please read the commenting rules before commenting.
You can email Bruce via the Contact Form.
I remember as a kid reading advertiser laden magazines I’d often see “Are you ready for the rapture?” That was a head scratcher to me. Sometimes I’d confuse with another head scratcher, “How to prevent rupture” still haven’t figured that one out. Maybe something to do with preventing a hernia.
As for the rapture messing up by hitting the celestial dome. Whoa, that’s a faux pas right up there with the WKRP turkey drop. Not sure how God will fix that one.
as god as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.
Since they are so keen on the drivel in the bible why do they ignore what Jesus said when his disciples asked about the end times? He described tough times and said he who perseveres to the end shall be saved, he did not say but you guys don’t have to worry because I will rapture you. 😆 Rapture nonsense comes from a heretic named John Darby. Since they have been waiting for over two thousand years for Jesus to come back I say we give him another hour and if hasn’t shown up by then we go out to eat as planned, we’ve waited long enough. I really enjoy your posts.
LLOL! (Literally laughing out loud) Millions of naked Christians you say! Blasphemy!
You may say the rapture never happened but what if it did happen and we were not included? Would we even know? Just a thought.
When we were young newlyweds we saw a movie about the rapture at our church. Years later my wife told me that she had come home shortly after seeing this movie and when I wasn’t there she was frantic, believing that I had been raptured and she was left behind. Seems crazy now but this is the nonsense we believed
Hmmm. Great excuse though “Sorry Honey I got raptured”
The illustration highlights a nubile young woman in a mini skirt getting “raptured.” And I don’t see any children or older people in this picture at all. Guess you have to be healthy, sexy young white adults to get on board this Apocalypse Special. Makes me wonder about the type of “Rapture” these people are experiencing…
The rapture never happens because it was supposed to happen 2000 years ago… and it didn’t. Jesus said that he would return within the lifetimes of the people who were standing there before him, and the apostle Paul expected to be alive when the rapture event happened. It’s clear from Scripture that all of the New Testament writers clearly expected the rapture event and the end of the world to occur during their lifetimes. There are over 100 verses that I the NT that make this very clear. I have the list of them if you are interested.
This is my first time posting here. I am an ex-Christian agnostic. I was a Christian from 1985-2000, an outspoken atheist from 2000-2017, Christian again from 2017-2023, and as of a few months ago I consider myself agnostic but with strong atheist leanings. I jumped back into the faith in 2017 because of all the talk about the Revelation 12 Sign and the supposed signs of the world coming to an end with the rapture event and then the Tribulation period. I realized just this year that it was a bunch of nonsense that I shouldn’t have fallen for. Sigh .. 😊
Perhaps, much like the Great Prophet Zarquon, the return of Jesus has been delayed by unforseen circumstances and he will appear just before the destruction of the universe.
@Sage, YES, we can enjoy Jesus’ delayed return while munching on the liver of an Ameglian Major Cow.
I’ll just nip off and shoot myself. Don’t worry, I’ll be humane
Bruce, I have it on good authority (moi-même, bien sür!) that when the rapture comes there will be a stairway to Heaven.
For your sake, and others, I will invoke the ADA and demand an elevator—to the Brain Hotel!
I was terrified of the Rapture as a kid. My friends and I were all hoping Jesus would wait until we were able to have sex. Maybe that’s what’s taking so long – Voyeur Jesus is too busy watching earth-porn.