Recently, a reader asked:
The most common question my wife and I get as former Christians is “What church do you go to?” or “Have you found a church yet?” We used to be involved and my ******* is a pastor so people make assumptions or are trying to disciple us (which I recognize as someone who used to do it too). How do respond politely?
This is a great question, one that many of us have had to deal with ourselves. I live in rural northwest Ohio — the land of God, Guns, and the GOP. Everyone is a Christian, even though on any given Sunday over half of them do not attend church. Asking someone where they go to church is as common as talking about the weather or the latest high school football game.
When I first deconverted, many local Christians were not aware that I was no longer a believer. Some of them thought I was still a pastor. They would ask me, “Where ya going to church these days?” or “Where are you preaching, Bruce?” I would reply, “We haven’t found a church home, yet” or “I am still looking for a church to pastor” — both of which were lies. We were done with church, and I certainly had zero interest in pastoring a church again. Yet, I didn’t want to get into discussions with people about my loss of faith — especially in the middle of a grocery store or a restaurant.
These days, locals know I am the outspoken village atheist. They know I am the guy who regularly writes letters about religion and politics to the editors of the local newspapers. An increasing number of locals read this blog, so they know firsthand about my godlessness. Gone are questions about church attendance. I get “looks” and whispered discussions, complete with glances and finger-pointing instead. Fourteen years in, I have yet to have a local Christian ask me why I am no longer a Christian. Maybe my blog or my letters to the newspapers tell them everything they need to know. Whatever the reason, I never get questions about my unbelief. I am more than happy to have such discussions, but I suspect many local believers (and pastors) aren’t up to the task of defending the faith once delivered to the saints.
I take a pragmatic approach to questions such as, “What church do you go to?” or “Have you found a church yet?” What benefit is there if I answer these questions honestly? How will my answer affect the relationship I have with the person asking the question? Will answering honestly negatively affect my reputation or employment? Like it or not, coming out as an atheist or agnostic can have deleterious effects. (Please see Count the Cost Before You Say “I am an Atheist.”) Sometimes, it is better to either say you are taking a break from church or are still looking for a good church than to say that you are no longer a Christian. I know, I know, all of us should be free to be our authentic selves, but in the real world, we face societal pressures and obligations. I wish it were different, but it’s not.
I have found the best way to derail the church questions is to deflect, changing the subject. “Bruce, where are you and Polly going to church?” “Well, hey where do you attend church? Is Brutus Pearlclutcher still your pastor? Didn’t you guys build a new building last year?” Turning the discussion around on the questioner puts the focus on them instead of you. Often, they will forget what they asked you. Mission accomplished. And once they answer my questions, I typically say, “Hey, Bob, it sure was good to see you again. I have to go. I have ______________to do.” And before he can say anything further, I politely turn and walk away.
I have lived in rural Ohio for almost sixty of my sixty-six years of life. I enjoy country living, even with its flaws and problems. Everyone knows your business — or at least their version of it, anyway. How you answer church attendance questions eventually gets around. Several years ago, I had a woman come up to me at one of my grandchildren’s ball games and say, “I always wondered what you looked like.” She had never seen an atheist in the wild. I chuckled, and replied, “No horns.” 🙂 Of course, she was wearing a t-shirt advertising her love for Jesus. I didn’t need to ask her any questions. Her shirt told me everything I needed to know about her Evangelical faith.
Do the letter writer and his wife owe others the truth about their spiritual condition or where they attend church? The short answer is no. Contrary to what we may have been taught in Sunday school, we are not obligated to tell the truth or answer every question. We control the narrative. Generally, I tell the truth, but there are times when I don’t want to answer a question (because of the motivations of the questioner or the consequences of answering it). My life is pretty much an open book, but some things have happened in the past that I have no interest in sharing with others. All of us have the right to control what information we give to others. If the letter writer and his wife don’t want to answer church questions, they have no obligation to do so. How to deflect such questions is the issue.
Or you could reply, “My wife and I are members of the Satanic Temple.” Let that rumor get around for a bit. 🙂 Oh, the fun we could have with this question, that is if answering it didn’t have real-life consequences.
Have you been asked, “What church do you go to?” or “Have you found a church yet?” How did you respond? What advice would you give this couple? Please leave your thoughts in the comment section.
Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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“The Satanic Temple downtown. Have you been there? It’s nice, they’re cool…”
Joking aside, I usually say “oh, I’m not religious” in the same tone I would say “oh, I’m not into football/baseball/other hobby”.
I have a book I acquired in 1993 called “Fighting Back! A manual for Freethinkers”. I was hoping it would address this question, but it doesn’t. (Probably the closest it comes to it is “What do you do if someone asks if you had a Merry Christmas”) Rather than be a concise manual on awkward situations dealing with religious people, it puts the question to a few people to give you ideas on how some non-theists deal with those situations. (I’d prefer a more comprehensive guide to social situations with contingency tables, but oh well it is what it is)
Rather than say “My wife and I are members of the Satanic Temple.”, you COULD say “My wife and I are members of TST.” Most Christians wouldn’t know the abbreviated form, or might not expect it to be anything but a good old fashioned Christian prayer group. If pressed for what it is, blow off the question with “Just some decent folks and some old time religion.” I suppose this would work if as I assume most people are looking for someone in need of a church rather than a recommendation because they are looking. I suppose if they knew you as a pastor the latter might be a possibility.
I’ve had no trouble with family or friends on this topic. I have had encounters with aggressive street evangelicals. I used to be intimidated by them. I listened to many a sermon shoved in my face. Now, when asked, I say “Nope!” and walk away. If they shove a pamphlet in my hand, I toss it in the trash. Obviously, it’s more difficult with co-workers, neighbors, and family. I would say my beliefs are private and I don’t discuss them with anyone.
Here in the UK, an acquaintance became a local town councillor for the first time this year, aged 65. When I met him recently, I asked him how the post was going and he said he was about to dust off his one good suit as a Sunday ‘Civic Service’ was upcoming. He implied the event would be a chore and added, some of the younger councillors definitely have the attitude, he made air quotes: ‘Church? Church? What is this thing called Church whereof you speak?’ He was semi-joking, but welcome to secualr Britain!
Hey Matilda, that’s awesome!
My young adult daughter was raised secular in NJ and is now loving and working in Nashville – so full-on evangelical Bible Belt Land. She really doesn’t get why people are so into church/religion and why people care where/whether she goes to church. Most of her friends aren’t really into that kind of thing, but she’ll get questions from other people. Working in a law firm, she’s become adept at putting off answering anything she doesn’t want to answer.
I haven’t been asked that question in years. It’s really not a big deal here in NJ.
Hey Obstaclechick. Yes, Nashville is about as Christiany as a city can get. Pretty much anywhere in TN east of Memphis. Memphis is a little different. It doesn’t really fit into TN, AR, or MS. Which I appreciate! I know there are tons of issues with this city, but I love it here. Similar to what you said, I haven’t been asked where I go to church in years. I’m glad to hear your daughter loves Nashville! Other than the Christian stuff, there is a lot of cool stuff to experience there.
John, yes, Nashville today is definitely different from the Nashville I grew up in and left as a young adult in 1994! My daughter thinks religion is kind of silly and goes with a live and let live policy about it. However, her eyes are opened now to the ways religious people weaponize religion against marginalized groups, and she despises that. She thought I was exaggerating about that until witnessing it first-hand. However, she has met a few genuinely good people who happen to be Christian. I am glad she sees both sides.
Hi Bruce and fellow readers. I love the Satanic Temple idea! LOL I live in the Memphis, TN area. I honestly can’t remember the last time anyone asked where I go to church? I’m fortunate, and thank Thor every day, that I don’t work with any religious zealots. I know almost everyone I work with is some flavor of Christian, but it never comes up. Memphis is an interesting city for being in the south. I’m sure most people would identify as Christians, and the number of churches per capita is 700 to each church. I think that puts us around number 6 in the country with the most religious venues per capita. But it doesn’t seem to be as in your face as any other city around here. That doesn’t mean I don’t get attention if I wear a shirt that gets double takes. LOL I’m not a Buddhist, but I do practice many secular Buddhist principles that help me with my mental and emotional well being. I have a couple Buddhist themed t-shirts. I have to admit, I do enjoy wearing them to the grocery store and getting looks from just about everyone. I just smile and nod. It’s fun. 🙂 But, if I were asked where I go to church, I think I would just say I’m not attending church anywhere. If asked why, I would probably say something like, it’s just a personal choice.
when i am asked what church i go to (which rarely happens, these days), i say i attend The One-World Temple of Enlightenment and Chinese Laundry, which usually shuts them right up. 😉
I haven’t heard the “which church” question in a long time. From time to time, however, I am asked whether I am Catholic–usually by someone who knows about my Italian heritage–or, more generally, whether I go to any kind of church. Depending on who’s asking, I’ll answer the “Catholic” question with “the nuns beat it out of me” or “I was, until I started to read the Bible.” Surprisingly, only once did the latter response elicit a query about my current beliefs and church service attendance.
I think the only people who know I was an Evangelical Christian are former fellow congregants–only two of whom I am in contact with–and my family, who never mention it.
As to whether I go to any kind of church, I might answer something like, “Yes, I try to make a pilgrimage to Centre Bell (home of the Montreal Canadiens).”
I don’t know that I have ever been asked:
https://somequestionsforgod.blogspot.com/2021/03/where-are-all-christians.html
A Palestinian acquaintance asked me about my religion. I gave my shortest answer: “I don’t do religion”. This usually closes the subject but it made him noticeably uncomfortable. He suggested it would be better for me to have religion of some kind. He didn’t proselytize his religion or say any more about it. He seemed sincerely concerned though. The motive to ask where we church may be caring but I suspect it’s usually just neutral conversation. If the subject isn’t dropped and they proselytize, I say I’ve studied rules of evidence and there is no evidence for any religion. That has always closed the subject.