Nice-to-Your-Face Christians

fake friends

One day, a new family moves in next door to John and Sally. After they are all settled in, John and Sally walk over to their new neighbors’ home and introduce themselves. John and Sally are quite friendly to their new neighbors, Bruce and Polly. Every time John and Sally see their new neighbors they wave and shout out, Hi neighbor. Bruce and Polly begin to think that John and Sally are wonderful people. Such great people to have for neighbors, they say to themselves.

One day, John and Sally walk over to  their new neighbor’s home to ask them a question. It is a very important question, one that could affect Bruce and Polly’s future. You see, John and Sally are members of First Evangelical Church. First Evangelical is known for being a friendly church, a church that really cares for other people. John and Sally have been members of First Evangelical their entire lives. Their pastor, Bro. Certainty, taught them that it is very important for them to witness to all their neighbors. After all, the Bible says, go into all the world and preach the gospel to everyone, and “everyone” includes John and Sally’s new neighbors.

Bro. Certainty, the skilled marketer that he is, taught John and Sally what is commonly called friendship evangelism. Rather than telling Bruce and Polly that they are sinners, headed for hell unless they repent of their sins and put their faith in Jesus, John and Sally are encouraged to pretend-friend Bruce and Polly. Try to find a common interest, they are told. Be nice. Bake them a pie or do some other act of kindness. By doing these things Bruce and Polly would be more receptive to the gospel, Bro. Certainty told them.

So this was the day that John and Sally put aside pretense and revealed what it was they really wanted from Bruce and Polly.

John: Hey, how ya doing today?

Bruce: Great, how about you? Isn’t this warm weather awesome?

John and Bruce trade pleasantries as Sally and Polly talk about flowers and gardens. After a few minutes…

John: While we are here, I would like to talk to guys about something very important.

Bruce thinks to himself, great here comes the Amway pitch. I knew they were being TOO friendly.

John: Sally and I are members of First Evangelical Church. We have attended First Evangelical ever since we were little children. We think it is the best church in town. Our pastor, Bro. Certainty is so winsome, everyone LOVES him! We were wondering…next Sunday is Friendship Sunday…and since you guys are our new-found friends we thought that you might be interested in visiting our church next Sunday.

Bruce thinks to himself, Fucking awesome. Our “friendly” neighbors are Bible thumpers.

Polly snickers to herself. Can’t wait to see how this turns out.

Bruce: John, Polly and I are not church-goers. We don’t believe in God.

John: But Bruce, surely you believe in some sort of God? Only an atheist says there is no God.

Bruce just looks at John…giving him THAT look.

John: Oh, I see you guys ARE a-t-h-e-i-s-t-s.

Bruce: Yes we are. (Bruce refrains from giving a smart-ass response.)

For the next twenty minutes or so, John and Bruce argue back and forth about God, Christianity, sin, salvation, and atheism. When it becomes apparent to John that Bruce is one of those apostates that have committed the unpardonable sin that Bro. Certainty talks about…

John: Well I hope you will think about what I told you about Jesus. What if you are wrong? Wouldn’t it be better to believe in Jesus and then you wouldn’t have to worry about going to hell when you die? Better safe than sorry, right?

Bruce, without uttering a word, mentally bangs his head on a wall.

Bruce: No thanks, John.

John: Ok, then. Well, let’s go Sally. If you ever change your mind, you know where we live.

Bruce thinks to himself, that will be a cold day in the hell I don’t believe in.

Off John and Sally walk, sad that they were unable to reach their new neighbors with the truth. Oh well, we told them, they say to each other.

A few days later, Bruce and Polly pass John and Sally on the street. They wave, but John and Sally advert their eyes and don’t wave back.

Polly: What’s that all about? I thought they were our friends?

In a post about the death of Fred Phelps, Andrew Hackman wrote

To me, the only difference between Fred Phelps and the average conservative Christian is delivery style. It is similar to Delores Umbridge and Voldemort in the Harry Potter story. Both stood against Harry. Both wanted him eliminated. Both hated him.

Voldemort’s hate blazed in his eyes. Delores hid hers behind soft tones, feigned concern, and a predator’s smile.

But both had similar plans for Harry.

I don’t believe there is an afterlife, but if I did I would hope that Phelps can now rest from the burden of his hostility, and that his wounds have been healed.

In the end, I preferred the bigotry Fred wore on his sleeve, to the slippery words of “love” offered by so many Christians who quietly share Fred’s heart.

Remember this the next time your Christian neighbor or coworker tries to befriend you. What is their real agenda? Do you really want to be friends with someone who thinks you will tortured by God in hell for eternity if you don’t believe exactly like they do? I know I don’t.

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4 Comments

  1. Matilda

    I worked in a school that had several JW children. This was because my headteacher was inclusive and compassionate. Word got round the JW community that this was the best school in the area for JW kids – the staff understood that they shouldn’t take part in xmas/birthday celebrations etc. I saw JW mothers at the gate ‘love-bombing’ (first time I’d heard that word) another mother, surrounding her physically. She converted to their cult and went to the head saying her kids could no longer participate in xmas etc. He talked her out of it by saying she needed to think of the implications, no birthday parties or gifts from grandparents ever again etc. It struck me that I was doing much the same thing as these JWs when I was extra attentive to a new person in church or ran a fun fun fun kids club that was really meant to convert them. It felt underhand, a sin in my beliefs and I tried to re-structure my life to act with more integrity and less deceit.

    Reply
  2. Charles

    Bruce. You have some of the strangest problems!!!!

    Reply
    1. Bruce Gerencser (Post author)

      What is it that you find stranger?

      Reply
      1. Charles

        Hey Bruce. The things that happen to you—like with these new neighbors of yours—never happen to me. My life is so boring that this sort of stuff seems strange—never happens to me—but it is entertaining to read. I always get a kick out of reading your blog posts.

        But to be serious for just a minute, I really think it is a shame that fundies practice this so-called “doctrine of separation” from nonfundies. It makes real friendship and real love between people impossible—or so it seems to me at least. It does not seem like the kind of thing Jesus would do if He lived in your neighborhood. Jesus would have made a really bad fundie Christian and would have probably been tossed out of their churches on his ear. If you ever want to come to Tennessee and move in next door to me, I might actually be able to observe some of these situations you describe on your blog—sort of like bird watching I guess.

        But hey. If you would like to have some real fun with those two new neighbors of yours. You could invite them to do things with you just for the fun. I am betting that they would feel really embarrassed to turn you down over and over again.

        I referred my blog readers to one of the posts on your blog today. You can see it in the lead post at https://faith17983.wordpress.com/

        Have a nice day.

        Reply

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