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Dear Women: Jesus Should be Your Only Romantic Interest

fallen annie lobert

According to Annie Lobert, founder of the group Hookers for Jesus, women are putting their love, hope, desires, and needs in the wrong place. The only person who can give women all they could ever want from a relationship is Jesus.

In a Christian Post interview, Lobert had this to say:

What us women need to understand [is] if a man can’t do what you ideally think he should do, [it is because] God is the only one who can do that for you. Jesus Christ is the only one who can ultimately be your ultimate romantic interest and I’m not talking about sexually. I’m talking about that intimate love bond that we have that heals all wounds, that heals all insecurities, that heals all the things that we think our husbands should do and be…

My prince was Jesus Christ. I said that in the book, it was Jesus Christ that was my knight in shining armor and I didn’t know it.

We poor men don’t stand a chance.

On second thought, maybe we do. What kind of man was Jesus? Was he a man whom women would love to be in a relationship with? When Jesus walked into a bar or club, did everyone’s eyes turn towards him? Did women think, wonder what Jesus looks like under his tunic? Was Jesus THE man that every woman longed for?

Jesus was a single man born out of wedlock to a teen girl — who was allegedly impregnated by a deity. He grew up in a carpenter’s home in a squalid, non-descript village. As a 12-year-old, Jesus disrespected his parents and ran off, and later in life publicly disrespected his mother when she asked him to get some wine from the fridge. Jesus spent most of his life traveling with a group of men. All men. Dare we imagine how many fart jokes were told by Jesus, or how rarely he took a bath, shaved, or used Giorgio Armani cologne? While there were women who traveled with Jesus from time to time, we don’t know if he ever had sex with one of them. Perhaps, as some suggest, Jesus was gay. And what most men would love to know is this: did Jesus masturbate?

The Bible doesn’t tell us how the adult Jesus made a living. Did he work, or did he sponge off the people who traveled with him? He owned no property and had no house he called home. When a man expressed interest in traveling with Jesus but wanted to wait a couple of days so he could bury his father, Jesus told him to forget about the funeral and follow him. Not much an empathetic man, if you ask me.

And I could go on and on . . . the gospels paint a less than flattering picture of Jesus when you read them without theological bias. Once you strip away the supernatural fantasies from the story, what you are left with is a very ordinary man whom many women would not view as the ideal catch. Jesus was hardly the man above all men with whom every woman would want to have a relationship.

Lobert fails to realize that she actually makes life more complex for Christian women with her “Jesus Christ is the only one who can ultimately be your ultimate romantic interest” thinking. This fictitious, romanticized Jesus is the gold standard women are told they should measure their relationships by. When compared to the human Jesus, many men fare quite well. But, the fictitious, romantic, gives-me-an-orgasm-every-time-I-pray, Jesus? No man can measure up.

The good news for men is that Lobert’s Jesus is a fiction of her imagination. If women want a relationship with men, we’re here. Real men, with real penises.

Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.

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  1. Avatar

    Jesus doesn’t pay half the bills, help with household chores, ask you how your day went, talk with you about retirement planning, visit you in the hospital if you get sick or injured, snuggle, provide physical intimacy, go out on date nights with you, or grow old with you.

    What woman would find satisfaction with an imaginary boyfriend who doesn’t do anything?

  2. Avatar

    There was a time many years ago where I would be cowering in a corner, expecting a bolt of lightning in retribution for the following link…

    Now, however, I am laughing. Irreverent. That’s me.
    (feel free to delete this comment if you think it’s too much…)

  3. Avatar

    The big advantage Jesus has is that he can be anything you want him to be-he’s always there for you, he always loves you, he never says anything mean to you, he never ignores you, he never finds anything more interesting than you, he never sleeps, he doesn’t make messes, he’ll never leave you, he’s always on your side, etc., etc.

    I was actually told a similar thing by an older Christian woman-that Jesus can be a stand-in for an imperfect husband. It didn’t work. The real, imperfect thing is way better. I think any Christian woman who’s unhappy, lonely, whatever, realizes that Jesus is no substitute and continues wanting an actual real man.

    I wonder if men are ever told to let Jesus be a woman-substitute?

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    I don’t know just what sort of catch a man could be if he comes unraveled over fig tree that’s not even in season failing to bear fruit. I do expect a certain amount of logic and rationality in a partner, male or female; so no, I’m afraid jesus won’t even survive the first round. Anger management issues are a big no-no in a possible mate.

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    Yeah. No thanks, I’ll take my earthly husband of 38 years. He’s not perfect but he’s here for me. Can’t say the same about Jesus.

  6. Avatar
    Brian Vanderlip

    Well, we all carry around fantasy figures in our brains and we do it as we please, summer and winter fashions, variable traits and all the rest… I would caution though, if a guy/gal comes along and says, “Follow me…”. Best let that one wander into somebody else’s imagination, I’d say.

  7. Avatar

    This is similar to the way some women begin pen pal relationships with men in prison. The man in prison can be idealized to suit any fantasy. He can not stray or do or say hurtful things to make you cry. Like all fantasies of the mind such relationships suffers the same problem as masturbation: while a certain level of satisfaction may be achieved it is ultimately lonely.

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