Every year or two, I ask readers to submit questions they want me to answer. That time has arrived once again. Any question. Any subject. Please leave your questions in the comment section or send them to me via email. I will try to answer them in the order received.
I look forward to reading and answering your questions.
Charles asked:
Did your former congregations and Christian friends completely ostracize you after you deconverted?
The short answer is yes. However, the ostracization began before I deconverted. The last Sunday in November 2008 marks the day when I finally admitted I was no longer a Christian and stopped attending church. Before that, I still professed faith in Jesus, albeit a questioning, doubting faith. I started blogging in 2006. As I publicly worked through my questions and doubts, my colleagues in the ministry and former congregants took notice, voicing their concerns over my leftward slide into liberalism and unbelief. Some of these people broke with me, saying they could no longer support a man who held heretical beliefs. In their minds I was backslidden, or, God forbid, a false Christian; someone who never knew Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Most of my friends and acquaintances still considered me a friend or colleague, but they distanced themselves from me, praying I would repent, but ready to chuck me in the trash bin if I did not.
After publicly declaring I was no longer a Christian, I sent out a letter titled Dear Family, Friends, and Former Parishioners to several hundred people. I knew that there were a lot of rumors circulating about me, so I thought, through this letter, I would let everyone know where I was in life. Surely, my family, friends, and former parishioners would want to know, right? I wanted, most of all, for them to “understand.” I quickly learned no one was interested in understanding anything. I received emails, letters, and phone calls from people outraged over my decision to deconvert. Nobody said, “I understand” or “I wish you well.” Instead, I was told I was mentally ill (by my best friend) and/or demon-possessed ( by a woman I’ve known for 50 years). Others told me I was out of the will of God, backslidden, or other terms Evangelicals use to describe people who don’t play by the rules or believe the right things. All of them, to the person, immediately cut me off. Some of my preacher friends preached sermons about me, using me as a cautionary tale of what happens when someone rejects the one true Evangelical faith. Sixteen years later, not one friend remains. My partner, Polly, and I have had to completely start over, building friendships with people who have likeminded beliefs.
I don’t blame people for breaking fellowship with me. I came to understand that my faith-based relationships were conditioned on fidelity to certain beliefs and practices. Once I rejected these beliefs, the bond that held us together was broken. What surprised me was how ugly and nasty people were towards me — decidedly unChristian. They could have told me they were disappointed without burning our relationships to the ground. Sadly, Evangelicals are well-known for how badly they treat people who leave the in group. Only one person — the woman I had known for 50 years — ever apologized for the way they treated me. Everyone else, stood by their hateful, judgmental, disrespectful words, poignant reminders of the rot that is at the core of Evangelical Christianity.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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I experienced a mild form of ostracism when I left Christianity. Mostly silence, although a few kind people called me to ask what happened. I recently stepped away from my one long-term Buddhist group. I left on good terms with my teacher but I didn’t get one call from my fellow students to wish me well, though they all have my phone number. And one of them was someone I mentored. I’m not hurt, because of my prior experience with leaving Christianity. When you expect people who are in a religious group to “walk their talk” you are most likely going to be disappointed. Bruce’s experience of leaving Christianity was the most extreme and painful example of this, unfortunately.
I can’t say I was ostracized when I left the Assembly of God Church, but “leaving” was more like I just stopped attending church. I didn’t make any formal announcement, but it was obvious to older family members that I had become “worldly”.
What I experienced was more like polite discomfort, along with subtle attempts at being witnessed to. And of course on occasion the comment masquerading as a question that I’m sure some other commenters have heard..”So John, what church are you going to now”. This is like a question asked under cross (no pun intended) examination, because it pre-supposes one of two answers- either no church or a church that no True Christian®️ would ever attend. And God forbid that answer (at that time in my life, not so much now to be fair to everyone) better not have been “Oh I now attend Our Lady of Perpetual Help Catholic Church!” Or all Hell/Hades/Gahenna/Tartarus would have broken loose!
It’s really sad how people treated you for leaving their club/tribe. To be fair, evangelicalism teaches members not to have fellowship with nonbelievers, so they’re doing what they’re “supposed” to do. That doesn’t make it less hurtful.