Graphics, Memes, Quotes, and Comments I’ve spotted on Facebook or Twitter. Today’s graphic comes from Facebook.
It’s summertime. The lake is calling and you pack up your family and head to your favorite lake. Mommy, mommy, mommy, can I go swimming? Mom replies, Sure, but watch out for pedophile preachers strolling on the beach.
Little Betty heads to the lake and jumps into the water. Her older teenage brother is nearby, keeping a watchful eye on her and making sure there are no pedophile preachers strolling on the beach. Pedophile preachers have no part to play in this story, but I thought I’d add them as a public service reminder.
Little Betty swims what seems like a mile away from the beach and then, out of nowhere, a hornet stings Betty on the shoulder. In a matter of minutes, Betty’s eyes and throat start to swell. She’s deathly allergic to hornet stings, and with a muffled voice she tries to scream for help. But, she’s too far way from shore for her brother or the lifeguard to hear her. And then she remembers a wonderful graphic she saw on Facebook:
No need to call for the lifeguard because JESUS, the bestest, most awesome lifeguard e-v-e-r, constantly patrols the lakes protecting swimmers from harm.
Finally, poor little Betty’s throat swells shut, she chokes on her tongue and then she dies.
In heaven Betty asks St Peter, Hey, I thought Jesus was supposed to be my lifeguard and save me if I was drowning?
St. Peter replies, Silly girl, that’s a metaphor, a way Christians speak when trying to convince themselves that Jesus, the one and only, true and living, and most a-w-e-s-o-m-e God ever, cares if they are drowning.
Too bad Betty is dead. Had she lived, it would be because a real, flesh and blood lifeguard saw her distress and rescued her.
Waiting for Jesus to save you from drowning is a sure way to die.
On Friday, the godless, anti-American,socialistic, communistic, jihadist, liberal, satanic-inspired U.S. Supreme Court overturned Ohio’s constitutional ban of same-sex marriage. Ohio Governor John Kasich, also known as Mr. Wall Street, publicly admitted the marriage battle is over: (link no longer active)
“I’ve always felt that marriage is, you know, one of these traditions between a man and a woman, but the Court has spoken. And I’ve said all along that when the Court makes a decision, we abide by the law of the land. And they made their determination and—just move on. It doesn’t mean I’m not disappointed, I am, but the decision has been made.”
Williams County Commissioner Al Word, formerly the sheriff of Williams County, evidently slept through high school government class. Word told The Bryan Times (behind paywall):
“Why don’t they change the voting process so the minority always wins? I believe everyone should be treated with respect, whoever they are, but this has gone completely over the edge. I’m in total disbelief and most people don’t realize the gravity of the whole thing. It changes who we are and how our issues get decided.”
Evidently, Word thinks the United States is a democracy where the majority rules. However, as anyone who has ever taken a government class should know, the United States is a republic with a representative form of government. Majority or minority has little to do with it, and in the case of the Supreme Court ruling, the issue is the court’s interpretation of the Fourteenth Amendment, especially the equal protection clause.
I understand why Word is upset. In 2004, Ohioans voted to restrict marriage to “only a union between one man and one woman.” This constitutional amendment passed 62-38 percent statewide. In Williams County the margin was 73-27 percent. According to The Bryan Times, the voting margins were similar in nearby Defiance, Fulton, Henry, Putnam, Paulding, and Van Wert counties.
But, let’s look at the numbers (link no longer active) for God’s Kingdom-Northwest Ohio Division, also known as Williams County. In 2004, there were 26,722 registered voters in Williams County and 18,294 of them voted on the marriage amendment. (68% voter turnout) 13,275 voted for Issue One, and 5,019 vote against the amendment. Yes, 73% of those who voted cast a vote in favor of the marriage amendment. However, when measured against the number of registered voters, the number drops to 50%. As in the case of most Ohio ballot initiatives, they are voted up or down by a majority of a minority. (in 2004, Ohio had its largest voter turnout in years)
I think Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown is right when he said:
“The court has spoken. The public is behind the court and the court speaks for the public…I am convinced Ohio voters, if they had it to do over would agree. Marriage equality is the law of the land now, period, just like civil rights. It’s a victory for everyone, gay and straight. Those who disagree will be relegated to the dustbin of history.”
After the Court’s decision, The Bryan Times contacted “virtually every church in Bryan” to get a response. Only two pastors responded: Pat Schwenk, pastor of New Hope Community Church and Kevin Kellum, pastor of Grace Community Church. Both pastors were deeply disturbed by the ruling.
Schwenk stated:
This is certainly not the firs time the U.S. Supreme Court has made a ruling contrary to the truth of God’s word. It’s not a decision we celebrate, nor is it one we despair over either. God is still in control. Regardless of the moral and spiritual drift happening in our country, our response should be to faithfully honor God first, while loving others–even when there is disagreement.
Kellum stated:
Troubling, for a number of reasons. The church’s worldview of marriage has always been that it’s a vow between a man and a woman. Now we’re in uncharted territory. We’ve talked about openly with the congregation. Our doors are open to any race, gender, and (sexual) orientation. We still have hope and we still believe and obey the word of God and depend on him for guidance on our lives, and we continue to look to God for his definition (of marriage). I’m concerned that there is a whole generation of young people who have no foundation in the church’s teachings, and with this ruling, I expect that to continue, to present a challenge to the church.
Don’t be blinded and misled by the talk of loving others and open doors. These words are loaded with Evangelical presuppositions, and all that is meant by their perfidious words is:
Yes we love homosexuals, they need Jesus, so our doors are open so that they can repent and find Jesus as their Lord and Savior. And if they don’t, they are going to be eternally tortured by God in hell.
Neither pastor is willing to openly and without reservation embrace homosexuals and welcome them into the membership. Married same-sex couples will find that very few local churches are willing to treat them as they do married heterosexual couples. As long as the Bible is the authoritative standard, same-sex couples will neverbe treated justly, fairly, and equally in churches like New Hope and Grace Community Church.
Over in Defiance County, the Crescent-News asked readers what they thought of the Court’s ruling. Here’s what several local fundamentalists had to say on the newspaper’s Facebook page:
I left more comments on the Crescent-News’s page than anyone else, yet when the newspaper printed many of the comments in today’s edition of the paper, none of my comments were printed. It’s hard not to conclude that they either “overlooked” my comments, they were too long, too intellectual, or they didn’t want to give the village atheist any more press.
The Bryan Times was able to find an openly gay local man willing to comment. Here’s what Denver Henderson of Bryan had to say:
“Yesterday, I could do anything everyone else does–buy a car, own a house, pay taxes, fall in love–but there was always one thing I couldn’t do. Tomorrow I can. It’s not a big national question of ‘Can we?’ anymore. Now it’s the personal question of ‘Do we want to?’ (That kind of freedom is) what it feels like to be a part of ‘We the People.’ It’s a big deal. It’s history happening right now and you don’t get to see that very often.”
Notes
Over the years, I’ve tried to give the Crescent-News editorial staff the benefit of the doubt when it comes to things like not printing my comments, but I have reached a point where I am no longer willing to do so. If I am missing something here, then I’d love for Steve VanDemark, Dennis Van Scoder, Todd Helberg, Mark Froelich , or Bruce Hefflinger to point it out to me. From “lost” letters to the editor, a “lost” 35th wedding anniversary announcement, numerous resumes submitted for a photography position flushed down the toilet, and no response to emails, comments, and tweets, it’s hard not to conclude that the newspaper has no interest in engaging me at any level. Even when fundamentalists personally attack me in their letters to the editor, making inflammatory and untrue statements, the newspaper says nothing. Why is this?
Grace Community Church is a part of the Ohio Mennonite conference. While there has been some movement towards accepting same-sex marriage at the national level, I suspect most NW Ohio Mennonite pastors/churches consider homosexuality and same-sex marriage a sin.
New Hope Community Church is a garden variety Evangelical church. Here’s their doctrinal statement (proof texts removed):
The Infallibility of the Bible
We accept the miracles, creation, etc., as literal accounts.
To repudiate any portion of Scripture as unreliable is like changing an inch on a ruler.
If one inch is changed, the entire system of measurement is altered.
The Absolute Diety of Christ
The Virgin Birth of Christ
The Historical Creation of Man
Man did not accidentally evolve from lower forms of life.
God created man as a unique spiritual being.
The Sinful Nature of Man
Man is not basically good.
He is basically evil.
The Substitutionary Death of Christ
Others have died difficult, martyrs’ deaths.
Jesus is the only One who died for the sins of the world.
The Bodily Resurrection of Christ Some say Christ arose in spirit or His teaching lives on.
But the Bibles teaches Jesus arose bodily from the grave.
A Literal Return of Christ to Earth as Promised
The Resurrection and Assignment of All People to Heaven or Hell
We are sometimes criticized for too rigid a stand.
But Jesus said, “Narrow is the way…”
Here’s my interview with Atheists Talk, a program broadcast Sundays on AM950, the Progressive Voice of Minnesota. The program is a production of Minnesota Atheists. Thanks to Scott Lohman for having me on.
This is the eighth installment in the Sacrilegious Humor series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a comedy bit that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please email me the name of the bit or a link to it.
This is the thirtieth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Eve by Shelley Segal, an Australian musician.
The bible tells me I was made for and from man
And I must do for him everything that I can
I must surrender to his will, yeah I must submit
I can’t make the household decisions coz I am unfit
It tells me my place
With ever-lasting grace
The bible tells me I must be silent you can’t hear my voice
My role has been divinely defined and I have no other choice
I may not be a teacher of man, I must cover up my shame
These are the laws of the one who in vain I cannot name
He tells me my place
With ever-lasting grace
And my punishment for wanting to learn
Is a painful birth from which I may not return
The bible tells me that I am unclean
I am impure you cannot touch me and it has nothing to do with where I’ve been
It is part of who I am, It is because I corrupt man
I was asking for it just by being a woman
He tells me my place
With ever-lasting grace
And my punishment for wanting to learn
Is a painful birth from which I may not return
The bible tells me I was made for and from man
And I must do for him everything that I can
I must surrender to his will, yeah I must submit
I can’t make the household decisions coz I am unfit
It tells me my place
With ever-lasting grace
This is the twenty-ninth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Saved by Shelley Segal, an Australian musician.
Say that i need to be saved
Say with me the devils got his way
I want to know how when you are praying
And when you are dooms-daying
How you think you know that someone is listening to what you are saying
So you think that you
Can tell us how to live our lives
Never questioning the source from which your moral code derives
You think that suffering is part of some great plan that’s been devised
I wonder, I wonder
When we’ll be rid of your lies
Say I need to hear the truth
A sales-pitch of eternal life and eternal youth
All these blessings you are bestowing
Upon the one you say is all-knowing
Are they really deserved if ‘He’ is sending me where you say I am going?
So you think that you
Can tell us how to live our lives
Never questioning the source from which your moral code derives
You think that suffering is part of some great plan that’s been devised
I wonder, I wonder, I wonder, I wonder
What will it take for you
To start opening your eyes
To start questioning the bullshit everyone around you buys
You think it’s any of your business what goes on between my thighs?
I wonder, I wonder,
When we’ll be rid of your lies
This is the seventh installment in the Sacrilegious Humor series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a comedy bit that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please email me the name of the bit or a link to it.
Today’s bit is Various Bits on Religion by Rowan Atkinson.
Warning, many of the comedy bits in this series will contain profanity. You have been warned.
This Sunday, I am scheduled to be interviewed on Atheists Talk, a program broadcast on AM950, the Progressive Voice of Minnesota. The program, a production of Minnesota Atheists, is one hour-long and will be broadcast live from 9AM to 10AM Central time. Scott Lohman will be conducting the interview. Scott is a friend of mine. He regularly comments on this blog.
You can listen to the program here. After the broadcast, a podcast will be available. I am not sure how long it takes for them to make the podcast available. You can access it here.
Excerpt from Why Are Churches Using Creepy Face Recognition Technology? by Valerie Tarico:
Churches just got a new way to figure out who is sleeping in on Sunday morning: facial recognition software that scans the congregation and records who showed up. Churchix is a product of Skakash LLC, which sells Face-Six for law enforcement, border control, and commercial applications. According to CEO Moshe Greenshpan, in the 4 months since the technology launched, 30 churches have already deployed the software and service, which could be used to target members who need a nudge or to identify potential major donors among those who attend faithfully.
Make Disciples of Every Creature
Evangelical churches often center their theology on a New Testament verse called the Great Commission: Go ye into all the world and preach the gospel every creature. They do so with good reason. Almost 40 years ago, with the publication of Richard Dawkins’s book The Selfish Gene, the broad public realized that ideas can be viral self-replicators, just like genes are. A “copy-me command” is a powerful thing, whether it prompts its host to replicate a computer virus, chain mail, species or a set of religious beliefs.
Churches that grow fastest and biggest are those that put the “copy me” directive at the center of their priorities. They actively invest in recruiting, whether that means designing high quality print materials and websites, training “friendship missionaries,” launching social media campaigns, or conducting professional market analysis. By contrast with Europe, where religion often exists as a fading church-state monopoly, American churches are particularly entrepreneurial and many keep eyes open for business tools that can be applied to the business of expanding membership, offerings, and market share.
In churches that are on top of their growth game, greeters stand in the lobby to make sure everyone feels welcome. Guests are asked to fill out contact cards for follow up. High-production-value materials promote both theological benefits like salvation and concrete perks like childcare. Websites and social media advertise programs for young people. As in any business, good marketing is critical to sales and fiscal health, and that means keeping up with the state of the art.
High Touch, Soft Sell
Since the time of Billy Graham’s fire-and-brimstone tent revivals, many churches have moved tactically toward a more soft-sell social marketing approach. A form of evangelism called “relational apologetics” trains Christians to win converts via a slow cultivation process rather than the more traditional door-to-door witnessing or Sunday morning altar call.
One 2014 training for pastors in Seattle included a handout, “30 Ways to Create a High Touch Environment,” that included tips more commonly given to fundraising professionals or sales teams:
Put energy into being likeable.
Smile a lot.
Make all the friends you can.
Focus on their interests. Ask them questions.
Follow the 101% Principle. Find the 1% that you agree on and give it 100% of your effort. Find common ground.
Walk slowly through the crowd.
Return all emails and phone calls within 24 hours.
Remember names.
For churches investing in this kind of courtship, technology tools including customer relations management software (like Salesforce), and social media are common practice. Software that scans attendee faces during the Sunday morning service and enters them in a database is just one in a long line of innovations that churches have adopted from the sales, marketing, and fundraising sectors.Powerful Persuasion, Questionable ProductBut will it backfire? Facial recognition software is creepy, even when it’s just a matter of Facebook tagging us in pictures; and if early web response is any indication, Churchix strikes some people as particularly creepy. Why? Because the whole goal of Churchix is to help power-seeking, member-seeking, communities manipulate people more effectively…
This is the sixth installment in the Sacrilegious Humor series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a comedy bit that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please email me the name of the bit or a link to it.
Today’s bit is Religion is Bullshit by George Carlin.
Warning, many of the comedy bits in this series will contain profanity. You have been warned.