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Forgiveness is Not Enough, When it Comes to Healing for Sexual Abuse Victims

Bruce Gerencser 7 Comments

interceding virgin mary

Guest post by MJ Lisbeth

Much has been made of the smaller-than-expected audience and sometimes-hostile reception Pope Francis encountered during his visit to Ireland. While commentators noted the contrast with the more enthusiastic greeting that awaited Pope John Paul II when he arrived in 1979, they did not make the connection between something Francis said and young Irish people’s drift away from, or even outright rejection, of the church.

At the Marian Shrine of Knock, he begged for forgiveness of the sins of members of the Church of Ireland who committed abuse of whatever kind and asked the blessed mother to intercede for the healing of survivors and to never again permit these situations to occur.

One can say that, although he did mention young people who were robbed of their innocence and children taken from their mothers, his appeal was still too vague. And, as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by a priest, I feel that he placed too much emphasis on “forgiving” the “sins” of the perpetrator and not enough on the healing for the victims.

Then again, it may be that neither he nor the Church can do otherwise. For one thing, addressing the plight of survivors in a more specific way would open up the Church to even more scorn and more lawsuits than it already faces. But more to the point — at least from the point of view of survivors and the general public — clergy members, from parish priests all the way up to the College of Cardinals, simply are not equipped to help survivors move on from the abuse we have suffered.

What they, and the Pope, don’t seem to understand is this: those of us who have been sexually abused as children were traumatized. This is not the same as simply having one’s feelings hurt by a thoughtless word or some quotidian misdeed. It means that we have been changed, irrevocably, in fundamental ways. We lost our ability to trust, not only priests and the Church, but other people, even those with whom we have (or should have) our most intimate relationships. That is because, as modern research has shown, the stress caused by trauma affects our brains: It sensitizes the “reptilian” parts, which is more impulsive, and restricts the “limbic” area, which helps us record our memories and form our judgments from them. And, of course, that stress affects the body, manifesting itself in a number of health issues such as hypertension and diabetes.

So, while “forgiveness” of “sins” might give the perpetrator a clean slate, it does nothing to alleviate trauma and its effects in victims. If anything, asking (or, more precisely, guilt-tripping) a victim to “forgive” a perpetrator only re-traumatizes that victim. I know: whenever I’ve been asked to “forgive” someone who has caused me real harm — whether that priest in my childhood or an abusive ex-spouse or partner — it’s like another blow to my body, not to mention to my mind and heart.

As I’ve said, the Pope and most priests, as well-intentioned as they might be, simply don’t understand the difference between being sinned-against and being traumatized — and that the latter happens to children who are sexually molested by priests or taken away from their mothers. I think most of them can’t, in part because they don’t have the training that would allow them to do so. But even those who have such training, I believe, still operate under the belief that, when the victim forgives, he or she heals along with the victimizer. Too often, it just doesn’t work that way.

Really, all one can do after abuse is to prevent it from happening again. That doesn’t happen through “forgiveness” or “redemption.”  Only taking away the opportunities for abuse, for inducing trauma, can do that: priests (or any other adults) who abuse children must not be allowed access to them. And the abuse from my ex-partner stopped, not through “forgiving” him (as he begged me to do), but after an order of protection and the loss of his career.

Still, trauma remains. I work through mine every day. No amount of “forgiveness” can change that. I am sure other survivors could say the same — and feel exasperated or enraged, or both, by the Pope’s plea, even if he could not have acted in any other way.

Sexual Abuse Victims Have the Right To Be Heard — Whenever They Are Ready

Bruce Gerencser 3 Comments
catholic church sexual abuse problem
Cartoon by David Reddick

Guest post by MJ Lisbeth

When I heard about the Pennsylvania grand jury report on children sexually abused by Roman Catholic priests, my reaction was, “Only 1,000 kids? Only 300 priests? — over 70 years?”

I am not a lawyer or any sort of expert on laws regarding child sexual abuse (or on any other kind of law, for that matter). But I do know that in most states, it’s all but impossible for anyone over the age of 30 to bring charges against a priest or church for abuse suffered at age ten, fifteen or even twenty. Depending on the state, a victim can only file a suit up to a certain age or, perhaps worse, a certain number of years (usually five to ten) after the abuse.

This all but prevents most victims from bringing their perpetrators — or the churches or other institutions that harbored them — to account. I know; I am one.

More than three decades passed from the times I was sexually molested by a priest in the parish where I was an altar boy until the time I finally told someone: my partner at the time, as we were breaking up. Until then, I had experienced a failed marriage, a bunch of other failed relationships, difficulties with supervisors and other authority figures, substance abuse, suicide attempts, financial ruin and general confusion about my sexual orientation and gender identity — the latter of which I began to resolve only after telling my now-ex-partner about my abuse.

The abuse I suffered — or, I should say, the experiences of abuse I can recall most vividly and terrifyingly — occurred when I was nine years old. I had received my first holy communion about a year and a half before that, and I was confirmed only a few months after the last of those incidents. The reason I recall those incidents most clearly and terrifyingly, I believe, has to do with the priest who committed them and the time in my life in which he victimized me. I will not get into either of them here; instead, I will try to answer the question of why it took so long for me to talk about them — and why the statutes of limitations regarding such abuse needs to be lengthened.

A Culture of Authority

That priest took advantage of my vulnerabilities — I was in a new school and didn’t have a very supportive home life — half a century ago, in the late 1960’s. That time is often associated with the Sexual Revolution and other changes in society, but those things could have just as well happened in a different world from the one in which I grew up. It was a milieu (a word nobody in that environment would have used) in which authority was to be, if not entirely trusted, then unquestioningly obeyed. Young men did not protest being drafted to fight in Vietnam; some even volunteered to go. Anyone who dared to question, let alone resist, fighting in the war was branded as a coward or traitor — or with the most damning epithet of all: Communist.

(My uncle, who was even more progressive than I am now on issues of race relations, gender roles and sexuality, nonetheless refused to watch any film, television program or other show in which “Hanoi” Jane Fonda appeared. He kept up this embargo until the day he died.)

Most of the men in my world — my own father, uncles and grandfathers, as well as those of nearly every kid with whom I grew up — were blue-collar workers.  Many had fought in Korea or World War II; nearly all had military experience of some sort. And just about all of us were children or grandchildren of immigrants who believed that their gratitude for what America offered them could be expressed only as unquestioning obedience, which they conflated with loyalty. I did, too, for a long time.

Most of them were also Roman Catholics, and their attitudes toward secular authority made them all-but-perfect candidates to follow the flock of their Good Shepherd — or, more precisely, his representatives on Earth. If you are of my generation and raised Catholic (I went to Catholic schools), you were taught that your parish priests, and even more so the bishop of your diocese, were just that: your connection to God, as it were. That, in a church, where the Pope is considered infallible.

You may not have known about that last doctrine (officially defended under Pius IX, but asserted long before that) as a kid, but you probably knew — or, more importantly, felt — the weight of the trust and authority granted to your priests and bishops. It was even greater than any power your parents, teachers or other elders held over you. When you are living under such an imbalance of power, you realize early on that if you speak up against someone who is held in as high esteem as your principal, let alone your priests or bishop, your credibility cannot hold a candle to theirs.

That is, if you can even explain what happened to you.

Human anatomy, let alone sex education, wasn’t part of the fourth-grade curriculum in my Catholic school — or most others, I imagine — in 1967. Or, for that matter, most kids’ homes, including mine. Even today, many parents avoid talking with their kids about the body’s processes, let alone sex, for as long as possible. In many families, even today, that discussion never takes place. I know it never did in mine.

So, when our parish priest molested me, I didn’t even know the names of the parts of my body he was touching. It almost goes without saying that I had no vocabulary, or any other way, to describe the ways in which my body reacted: I had not experienced anything like it before. I also did not have words, let alone expression, for the unease I felt: I knew that what he was doing wasn’t right, but I didn’t know why, and I never could have defended myself against those who would have blamed me for it. (Remember, this was at a time when the usual responses to rape were: What was she wearing? What was she doing there, at that time of day/night?) I am sure others abused by priests when they were children could say something similar.

Given the repressive conditions I’ve described — one in which authority is not questioned, church leaders have absolute authority and children do not learn about their own bodies, let alone how they can be used against them — is it any wonder that most victims don’t recount their abuse by priests to anyone but themselves — if, indeed, they ever do — until they are well into adulthood? Or that some never speak up about it? One reason, I’m sure, that the Pennsylvania report didn’t name more victims is that some have taken their stories to their graves. Needless to say, some are in those graves by their own doing. And, I’m sure, many priests parted this vale of tears before their victims could confront them. Mine did, about two decades before I told anyone, although I didn’t realize it at the time.

Whenever they are ready.

Thus, as long as there are implicit as well as explicit rules and forces that enforce obedience and silence, particularly among children, victims need the freedom and the space to discuss their molestation whenever they are ready — whether at 20 or 40 or 80. Whenever it is, we can only hope that it’s before marriages fail, jobs are lost, families are broken up, substances are abused and lives are ended prematurely. Victims deserve the right to repair or reclaim their lives; there should not be a time limit on that.

A Letter to My Evangelical Christian Sisters

Bruce Gerencser 12 Comments

women for trump

Guest Post by ObstacleChick

Dear Evangelical Christian Sisters,

You were my classmates, my friends at church, my relatives. We came of age in the 1980s when MTV, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Magnum PI, and Shaker sweaters were all the rage. We permed our hair and used a TON of hairspray. Nancy Reagan’s “Just Say No” campaign against drugs was targeted at us, and we were terrified of HIV and AIDS. Boy George and David Bowie showed us a gender bender look, and within a decade our gay friends started coming out of the closet.

I left Evangelicalism, but you stayed. As Southern Baptist churches ramped up their complementarian teachings and the Moral Majority increased its efforts, you became more conservative in your political beliefs. You rallied behind the anti-abortion movement. You denounced feminism as destructive to the family. You were vocal in excoriating President Bill Clinton for lying about his affair with Monica Lewinsky (technically a sexual harassment situation as President Clinton was in a position of authority over Ms. Lewinsky). Many of you attended Christian colleges, got married, had kids. Some of you sent your kids to Christian schools not unlike the one we attended, teaching Fundamentalist Christian doctrine and creationism instead of science. Others of you chose to homeschool your children.

Most of you I have not seen in person since I moved a thousand miles away to start a new life in 1994. As social media took off and expanded, we have connected in a virtual way. Where I probably would never have heard about most of you or seen what you were doing, now I can see what your lives are like, what you do for fun, what you think is important enough to post on social media. Darn, you all look old. I guess I do too.

When you posted about marriage being between one man and one woman, I saw it. Every time you posted about the evils and horrors of abortion, I saw it. I saw when you voiced your support for Donald Trump and when you made fun of the Women’s March. Those of you who remained silent through the era of the 2016 election – I saw you too. I like to think that you were conflicted, but I do not know for sure. When news reports showed children being separated from their parents in detention centers, I saw your posts talking about border control and following the law. Every time you post some pithy meme about putting “God” or mandatory prayers or Ten Commandments posters or plaques saying “In God We Trust” in a school, prison, town hall, or any other public property, I saw that too and wondered how we sat through the same history and civics classes yet you completely misunderstood the Establishment Clause (but then, history was my favorite subject and I was the history state champion for Tennessee Association of Christian Schools, and yes, I admit to being a jerk).

Now I see you, sisters, posting your support for Brett Kavanaugh, a man who has been accused of sexual abuse. You say you stand with Brett Kavanaugh. You post articles saying it’s a con job by the Democratic party to support the “communist/Satanic/progressive sacred cow” of abortion. You call his accusers unreliable, you say they are unreliable, you ask where their witnesses are. I was especially sad to see you, my friend, posting in support of Kavanaugh, my friend who cried in anguish to us in high school when you revealed that your grandfather had raped you throughout your childhood – does sexual abuse only count if penetration occurs? Is that the line? Everything else is just . . . boys being boys? My heart breaks for you, and I can’t understand why you, of all people, don’t stand in solidarity with other women who were sexually abused as teenagers or young women. None of you waited until you heard Dr. Ford’s testimony to call her a liar, a pawn of the Democrats, someone intent on “taking down” a conservative candidate just because of politics. You automatically assumed Kavanaugh was not guilty rather than listening to evidence and letting the whole situation play out.

Is the issue of abortion so important to you ladies that you are willing to turn your back on women who may have been sexually abused? Do you want forced prayers and Christian religious symbols so badly in the public forum that you denigrate women who come forward saying that Mr. Kavanaugh sexually abused them? Some of your posts blame “the left” for telling us which women to believe – the Democrats and Democrats only. I’m not sure where you came up with that information. I can’t help but see the irony – the inconsistency – in your condemnation of President Bill Clinton two decades ago and your support of Brett Kavanaugh today.

Let me assure you, I do not care what your party affiliation is or whether you have one. If you tell me that some man shoved his “junk” in your face without your consent, I will support you. If you tell me someone pushed you down on a bed, covered your mouth, and tried to tear off your clothes, I will support you. If you tell me that a stranger grabbed your posterior in the subway, I will support you. If you tell me someone raped you, I will support you. You do not need to show me your voting record. You do not need to show me your social media posts supporting candidates or issues one way or another. I will support you. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. Because I value your right to ownership of your own body. Because I value your right to consent. Because I believe you should be heard, your story, all of it, regardless of who else was involved.

Do I believe you would do the same for me? I do not know. Maybe it depends on the situation and who was involved. And that makes me sad. It reaffirms my disgust with the religion that I walked away from so long ago.

OC

Your Own Personal Jesus

Bruce Gerencser 2 Comments
personal savior
Cartoon by Dan Piraro

Guest post by ObstacleChick

When I was growing up in a Southern Baptist church and attending Evangelical Christian school, we were told that we should strive to be like Jesus. The pastors and teachers taught us that Jesus was the perfect Son of God, that he was part of the Trinity so therefore God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit were one but separate all at the same time (for the life of me, I could never grasp the concept). Jesus was God’s Son but also God come to earth in human form to live amongst us, to suffer and die for us, to be resurrected and to ascend to heaven with his Father (and the Holy Spirit, but he isn’t talked about as much — he’s just the voice in our head…or heart). Jesus was considered to be born of a virgin, sinless, perfect, and therefore the perfect blood sacrifice to atone for the sins of mankind for those who accepted his sacrifice. We were taught that Jesus was a teacher and a miracle worker. According to the Gospel of John, in the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. Jesus was the Word. (And here I was thinking Grease was the word according to the musical Grease).

A former member of the church in which I grew up became a pastor. I’m connected to him on social media, and he frequently posts thoughts that he posts on his church’s social media each week. Each post is intended to be instructive to Evangelical Christians. This one was interesting:

One dangerous temptation we all face is the powerful tendency to build our own Jesus. I meet the real Jesus in the Christian faith and He reveals Himself in the Bible. He convicts me to turn from sinful habits or attitudes or relationships I’m not sure I want to give up. He keeps leading me out past my comfort zone and calling me to grow in Him. So, I just take the words and the qualities of Jesus that I agree with, that seem to confirm what I already think and do, and I ignore and leave out the rest. Voila: my own Jesus, who thinks like me! My Jesus condemns your sins but isn’t too concerned about mine. My Jesus doesn’t care whether I’m faithful to his church, etc. J.D. Greear: “What we must avoid at all costs is editing Jesus, forcing Him into a mold where He answers our questions the way we like. This is not worship of God; it’s worship of ourselves. And it’s the greatest substitute for true faith.” The problem with following your Jesus is that you miss the life and joy of following the real one. Plus, the one you stand before in judgment will not be the one you created for yourself. Make sure you’re growing to look like Jesus, not just trying to make Jesus look like you.

Modern Christians’ concept of Jesus is taken from the books of the New Testament, mostly from the canonized gospels (I had never heard of the non-canonized gospels until I took a religion course in college – I was stunned that there were writings that weren’t canonized). Most modern biblical scholars believe that these gospels were written decades after the death of Jesus. Certainly there are no surviving accounts that were written in Jesus’ lifetime by eyewitnesses. Most likely the stories about Jesus were passed along by word of mouth from one person to another. Have you ever played the game “telephone” at a party? Here is how it works. A player whispers a sentence or phrase to the next player, who then must whisper the phrase to the next player, and so on, until the last player says out loud what he or she heard. It is rare for the message to arrive completely intact. In fact, this is part of the fun — to see how the sentence or phrase morphs as it is passed along from one player to another. Some players will intentionally change the phrase to make it funnier. Others just don’t hear it properly so they try to say what is closest to whatever they think they heard. If people at a party have a difficult time repeating a single phrase accurately, how much more difficult must it be to repeat an entire story accurately? So how do we know that the stories told in the Gospels reflected the “real” Jesus? And we’re not even taking into account the different ways each gospel writer presented Jesus.

Additionally, as twenty-first century citizens of a (mostly) free country enjoying creature comforts of indoor plumbing, air conditioning, and immediate access to information through technology, how can we understand what it was like to be a first century Middle Eastern man who was most likely illiterate and who didn’t even know that the world was not flat or that we live in a heliocentric solar system or even what a solar system is? Archaeological finds have shown what architecture was like, and what types of implements people used, and surviving ancient writings can give us an indication of what the educated and literate may have known, but it is difficult for us to comprehend what first century lives of ordinary people must have been like.

So, don’t we all create our own personal Jesus? We listen to what our pastors and teachers say about him. We read about him in the canonized gospels. We read cute memes on social media about Jesus – Jesus as a lamb, Jesus loving all the little children of the world, Jesus as the one who carries us across the sand when we’re too weak to carry ourselves, etc. Some people are drawn to the sweet, wise, meek teacher. Others are drawn to the miracle worker. Yet others like the badass Jesus, the one who got angry and ran the money-changers out of the Temple.

Let me conclude this post with the lyrics from the song Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode:

Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who’s there
Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I’ll make you a believer
Take second best
Put me to the test
Things on your chest
You need to confess

I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who’s there

Feeling unknown
And you’re all alone
Flesh and bone
By the telephone
Lift up the receiver
I’ll make you a believer

I will deliver
You know I’m a forgiver
Reach out and touch faith
Your own personal Jesus
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out reach out
Reach out and touch faith
Reach out and touch faith

Video Link

What was your own personal Jesus like?

Serving the Fundamentalist Food God

Bruce Gerencser 5 Comments

Guest post by ObstacleChick

In 2011, I started reading books about a diet (and lifestyle) called the “Paleo Diet” that was supposedly based on evolutionary and anthropological studies of ancient humans. This diet was popularized by Dr. Loren Cordain, professor emeritus in the department of health and exercise science at Colorado State University. Dr. Cordain’s research examined the nutritional values of foods within the framework of humans’ hunter-gatherer ancestor, contrasted with the foods that were cultivated as humans moved toward and into agrarianism. His main work is The Paleo Diet, if you are interested in exploring further. His work spurred a health and wellness movement carried further by Robb Wolf, Mark Sisson, and a myriad others who have published cookbooks, exercise books, websites, and blogs. Many athletes for a while, particularly in CrossFit, latched onto the paleo diet hoping to improve athletic performance and lean muscle mass.

Many paleo diet proponents touted this diet as the end-all cure-all to obesity, diabetes, eczema, acne, auto-immune disorders, dementia, polycystic ovarian syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, etc. You name it, and somebody was proposing that if we only consume the foods that supposedly our ancestors ate, we would cure these modern maladies. What foods, you may ask, do followers of the paleo diet eat? Basically, people are encouraged to eat whole unprocessed foods such as fruits, berries, vegetables, seeds and nuts, meats (particularly the more highly nutritious meats like seafood and organ meats), eggs, and healthful oils like coconut and avocado oils (unsweetened teas and coffees are generally allowed, as are natural sugars in moderation like honey, molasses, agave). Everything else is technically off-limits and considered not “paleo,” Perhaps it is worthwhile to note the items which are technically excluded from the paleo diet: grains of any sort, including wheat, rice, oats, quinoa, millet, etc.; beans, including lentils, peanuts; corn; dairy (sometimes with the exception of ghee or clarified butter); refined vegetable oils; refined sugars; potatoes (some paleo proponents allow sweet potatoes and yams); processed foods; sodas, wine, beer, sweetened beverages; soy.

After having read several books on the paleo diet and lifestyle and hoping to optimize my health and athletic performance, in March, 2012, I embarked upon what I understood to be the paleo diet (much to my family’s chagrin). I eliminated pasta, bread, pizza, cereals, etc., from our household and started my paleo journey, dragging my (unwilling) family along with me. Actually, they didn’t mind so much after I allowed them to eat their bread, ice cream, etc., while I would eat my own paleo foods. As an avid runner and someone who strength trains, I struggled for quite a while to get enough carbohydrates to support my training load. Apparently, this was a big issue with people who are athletic, so Dr. Cordain wrote The Paleo Diet for Athletes to address those issues. Full disclosure – I didn’t follow the paleo diet entirely, as I still drank wine when I felt like it and would eat foods at restaurants that were probably prepared with processed oils and that may have been contaminated with wheat. In 2012, there were fewer gluten-free options available in restaurants and groceries (now there are a plethora of options available, and their quality, texture, and tastes have improved tremendously). But, I did become a “fundamentalist” about my food, a fact about which I am embarrassed now.

Early in 2014 I tried the mother of all hard-core exclusive dietary challenges — the Whole30 Challenge. For 30 days, one adheres to a strict paleo diet with additional caveats. If you slip up, you have to start over. No excuses. What are the rules for this challenge? No sweeteners of any sort are allowed — including honey, molasses, coconut sugar, etc., and one must read every single label of every single item one buys (bacon, for example — it cannot contain any sugar at all). No grains (of any sort), beans, rice, corn, soy, processed oils, processed foods, alcohol, dairy, or processed chocolate are allowed (unsweetened cocoa powder is allowed). If one does choose to eat at a restaurant, one must be “one of those” customers who grills the wait staff regarding the types of oils that are used, whether there is any cross-contamination with gluten/soy/dairy/etc. (seriously, it’s better just to eat at home when you’re on Whole30). If you go to a party and can’t pester your host about what specific foods he or she will be serving, bring your own food to ensure Whole30 compliance. You are supposed to eat 3 meals a day and ONLY 3 meals a day (unless you are an athlete, then you can add a snack). Desserts or paleo-version comfort foods are not allowed (i.e., no paleo pancakes, muffins, brownies, etc.). In fact, adherents are encouraged NOT to eat fruit at the end of their meal as substitute for a dessert. One is not to weigh oneself during the challenge as weight loss is not the only goal of the challenge. One is to examine one’s relationship to food. Do you find yourself wanting to mindlessly snack while watching TV? Do you find that you expect to finish a meal with a dessert? Do you crave chocolate? Do you get hungry at 3 pm every day? Are there certain foods that you tend to wolf down without control (foods without breaks)? Are there certain foods that are extremely pleasurable for you (SWYPO: “sex with your pants on”)? Additionally, there is a whole schedule of how you should anticipate feeling throughout the 30-day challenge — like being in a withdrawal phase “carb flu” for the first few days, how you feel mental clarity after the “carb flu” subsides, etc. Whole30 is not just a diet — it is a process that one can use to identify one’s reactions to foods and is supposed to “clear one’s gut” in order to start a controlled reintroduction after the Whole30 to determine what foods your body tolerates or doesn’t tolerate. It’s an intense experience.

When I started my Whole30, I joined a Facebook group designed to allow people a forum to discuss recipes, tips, results, and what they are going through. Most people were encouraging and supportive, but there were a good number of people who were hard-core fundamentalist Whole30 participants. These were the people who were very strict enforcers who commented on people’s posts and would get into extensive “fights.” If someone accidentally ate ketchup that contained a sugar, these enforcers would state that the person had failed Whole30 and MUST start over at day 1, regardless of whether they were on day 5 or 17 or 29. These enforcers would nitpick over every ingredient and typically had exhaustive lists of what commercial products were Whole30 compliant or not. While a lot of the enforcers had useful information, many of them were just plain MEAN. Occasionally, a comment thread would become so heated that the moderator would jump in and tell everyone to cool it, and soon thereafter she would write a blog post aimed at getting the enforcers to relax their vehemence (while still adhering to the tenets of the program). Several times, she would have to defend herself when an enforcer would see her eating a non-compliant item, and she would have to remind people that Whole30 is not WholeLife. It’s designed for shorter periods and if someone chooses to make it Whole60 or Whole90 that’s their choice, but the program wasn’t intended to be followed strictly forever.

What happened to me while I was on the Whole30? I was stressed out all the time making sure I was maintaining compliance while still trying to provide my family with non-Whole30 options as much as possible. Reading every label at the supermarket was seriously time-consuming to the point that I was freaking out over whether the pickles I bought were Whole30 compliant if they had any sort of preservatives in them (preservatives are banned too). I went through several days where I craved a piece of chocolate so intensely that I felt like the monster Grendel from Beowulf. As each day of compliance passed, the more invested I was in completing the program, demanding though it was. Some days I was hungry, though the program says you aren’t supposed to be hungry. Physically, I felt great, but emotionally, I was stressed, on alert, and after a couple of weeks of compliance I started to feel morally superior to those not on Whole30. While I detested the enforcers, I understood where they were coming from, and I hated myself for it. At the end, I weighed myself and had lost 7 pounds, but I was anxious about a party I was to attend in a few days where there would be alcohol and lots of non-compliant foods. At the party, I was anxious and stressed about eating a bite of cheese — and I wasn’t even on Whole30 at that point. I realized my thinking was MESSED UP. I was exhibiting signs of orthorexia — an obsession with eating foods that one considers healthy. This was NOT a healthy relationship with food. I had become a food fundamentalist.

Food fundamentalists are not that different from religious fundamentalists. Both have strict rules of behavior and compliance. Both groups demand giving up things — “sins” in the case of religions, foods or food groups in the case of food fundamentalism. Both groups have a type of “magical thinking” in which they believe that compliance will solve their problems and absolve them from “sin” or “disease” or “obesity.” Food fundamentalists and religious fundamentalists consider themselves part of a “tribe,” a social collective of people sharing a belief system. In either group, when one is in close compliance, one may feel a sense of moral superiority over others. Both groups believe that they have the “truth” and that if only others would join their group, their problems could be solved. Neither group wants to hear any negative research or evidence regarding their “truth” claims. Additionally, there are leaders in both groups who are intent on making money from members of the tribe.

Why did I leave food fundamentalism? The process of leaving food fundamentalism was not so different from leaving religious fundamentalism. Research was the beginning. Just as I had read evidence that refuted the veracity of fundamentalist Christianity, I read evidence that brought into question many overarching claims of the Paleo Diet. I took a look at myself and realized that I was being dogmatic, moralistic about food, and was starting to proselytize about food to other people. I was the fundagelical of food.

Did any good come out of my time in the Paleo Diet? Yes. I found that my digestive system doesn’t like certain foods so I know what the consequences will be if I choose to eat some of those foods. I found a lot of new recipes for some delicious dishes that everyone in my family can enjoy. And I learned that stressing out about what I am eating is not good for me or for my family.

Have you ever found yourself becoming a fundamentalist of something other than religion?

This Week With Christians on Social Media

Bruce Gerencser 8 Comments

social media

Guest post by ObstacleChick

Most of the time when I check my social media accounts, I can be sure to find at least one post by fundamentalist evangelical Christians that either elicits an eye roll or a chuckle from me. Here are some good ones from this week, along with my comments.

“To pray ‘Thy Will be done’ I must be willing, if the answer requires it, that my will be undone.” – Elisabeth Elliot

OC: Bruce has written quite a few posts concerning Christians’ interpretation of the answers to prayer. If one prays for something that doesn’t happen, then the Christian says, “It wasn’t God’s Will.” If one prays for direction between option A and option B, the Christian usually just chooses what he or she wants to do. If it works out, then Yay! the Christian successfully understood God’s Will. If it doesn’t work out, then it was a “lesson from God”.

“Don’t worry. God’s never blind to your tears, never deaf to your prayers, and never silent to your pain. He sees, he hears, and he will deliver.”

OC: Yeah, that’s what makes him such a jerk – he sees and hears but he doesn’t actually deliver . . . just ask all the victims of every natural disaster EVER. Oh, yeah, the “God’s Will” thing again . . . it’s a mystery, isn’t it?

“Christ offends men because his gospel is intolerant of sin.” – Charles Spurgeon

OC: Judgmental blowhards like Charles Spurgeon and name-your-favorite-evangelical-pastor offend me with their incessant talk of sin, hell, and damnation for everyone whose interpretation of the gospel doesn’t match theirs. They offend me with their assumption that everyone is filthy and pure evil until they say the magic words and *poof!* Jesus makes it all better. They offend me by offering me a “choice” between saying the magic words to become a slave to Jesus but escaping the eternal flames of hell, or not saying the magic words and facing an eternity of torture – just for existing. They offend me with their insistence that I must vote a certain way, dress a certain way, act a certain way, give money a certain way – THEIR way.

“We are sent to bless the world, but we are never told to compromise with it.” – A. W. Tozer

OC: Because Jesus needs SOMEBODY to be judgmental and to fight the culture wars. Omnipotence only goes so far with the Trinity . . .

“Drunk Lot impregnated his daughter, who bore Moab, whence came Ruth, the great-grandmother of David. Christ’s own bloodline preaches his will to save even the most messed up of families.” – Chad Bird

OC: I’ll let you guys comment on this one . . .

“Parents who know how to repent in front of their kids give them a greater gift than a Harvard education.” – Scotty Smith

OC: I’d rather have the Harvard education instead of watching my parents pray to Jesus and consider themselves (and me) worms all the time. But that’s just me, and education is what led me down the road to atheism, so there is that.

“When you realize God’s purpose for your life isn’t just about you, He will use you in a mighty way.” – Dr. Tony Evans

OC: I like to be able to make my own choices, to choose my own purpose, to have autonomy as much as possible in my life. It’s worked out pretty well so far. I guess I could just sit here and let God repurpose me. Nah . . .

“Pray, then let it go. Don’t try and manipulate or force the outcome. Just trust God to open the right doors at the right time. Amen.”

OC: The principal of our local high school tells the students every day to CONTROL WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL. The point is to teach students to assess which aspects of a situation are in their control and which aspects are out of their control. Then students are encouraged to act on the aspects that are in their control. Sitting around and waiting for an invisible and silent deity to manage a situation is poor advice.

What Christian messages have you seen on social media this week? Please share with us in the comments!

This Week With Christians On Social Media

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

social media

Guest post by ObstacleChick

Here is a sampling of some of the posts I have seen this week from Christians on social media. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments!

“If you neglect to instruct (your children) in the way of holiness, will the devil neglect to instruct them in the way of wickedness? No; but if you will not teach them to pray, he will curse, swear, and lie; if ground be uncultivated, weeds will spring.” John Flavel

(OC: While it is true that it is our parental duty to teach our children so that they can grow up to be self-sufficient law-abiding citizens, there isn’t a “devil” going around trying to teach our kids to be evil.)

“The gospel is simple to understand:
1) Jesus died on a cross
2) Jesus was buried
3) Jesus rose on the 3rd day
4) Jesus saves man from their sin
5) You must be born again
That is a simple gospel, now let’s tell it to the world!”

(OC: This simplification of the gospel message still makes absolutely no sense. Honestly, what came to light for me was that without the fear of hell part, I read it and thought, um, OK, whatever. Just because you tell me I just be “born again” without any explanation of what that means or why, I just think you sound nutty.)

“Prayer is the most important conversation in your day. Talk to God before you talk to anyone else.”

(OC: Yeah, it’s totally more important for me to talk silently in my head at the ceiling before communicating with real live human beings who are important in my life. Now, if Christians are using this as their version of reminding themselves not to be assholes first thing in the morning, maybe that’s OK.)

“Beautiful Jesus, thank you for taking my place.”

(OC: Jesus, your Dad condemned all humanity to suffer eternity in hell because supposedly a couple of ancestors 500 generations ago ate a piece of fruit. So your Dad had to morph himself into you so you/he could be killed and fake-die because you/he can’t really die being immortal, and if I believe the right way about you/him I won’t spend eternity in hell because of mad Dad.)

“What God knows about us is more important than what others think.” Tim Tebow

(OC: So that’s why, Tim, you had to make a big freakin’ deal about kneeling at your NFL games? Because God was too dumb to know anything about you otherwise?)

“Do you know that nothing you do in this life will even matter unless it is about loving God and loving the people he has made?” Francis Chan

(OC: I wish more Trump-loving evangelical Christians realized that they needed to love people – and to show their love for people through assisting the less fortunate – rather than trying to legislate their ideas of morality on the rest of the nation.)

“Faith is not about everything turning out okay. Faith is about being okay no matter how things turn out.”

(OC: While there are times we need to accept what we cannot control, there are other times when we can control outcomes if we take certain actions. Just sitting around passively taking whatever happens in life is not a good way to live.)

Evangelizing the “Lost”

Bruce Gerencser 9 Comments

satan and hellGuest Post by ObstacleChick

Recently, I was back in the Bible Belt where I grew up, as I dropped my daughter off for her first year of college in Nashville. I was raised in a Southern Baptist church and attended a Fundamentalist Christian school, but I started moving away from those doctrines at age eighteen when my church started teaching complementarianism (then called Biblical manhood and womanhood). Going to a secular university opened up other ideas to me to which I had not been exposed, and I was able to move away physically and literally from Christian Fundamentalism. My husband was raised nominally Catholic, and we attended progressive Christian church for a while before we both shifted into agnostic atheism. Our children have not been raised with any religious indoctrination, and when my daughter indicated that she wanted to attend university in the South, I thought it would be important to let her know what Evangelical Christians believe so that she wouldn’t be shocked when she found out that some of our family members still believe this way and that some people she encounters in Tennessee may hold these views.

My parents divorced when I was little, and my mom remarried and had another child. My brother is twelve years younger than I am, and his upbringing was quite different from mine. I lived with my grandparents — he lived with his mom and dad. I was sent to private Christian school — he attended public school after he was expelled from the private Christian school in third grade (yes, expelled in third grade; he mouthed off to the teacher and to the principal). My mom and stepdad moved to a different town after I graduated from college, and they left the Southern Baptist Church, eventually ending up at an Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) church. My brother and his wife and two sons do not attend church. Instead, my brother is part of a Skype men’s prayer and Bible study group, and he reads a lot of Christian books and watches live stream and YouTube sermons. Every night before bed, he teaches and prays with his sons, and he spends time on his own praying before bed. He also posts a lot of Bible verses and links to very conservative Christian articles and YouTube videos on social media; with that evidence, I am confident that he still believes many aspects of Fundamentalist Christianity. I am not sure what my sister-in-law believes, but I don’t get the impression she is as devout as my brother. My brother knows that we are not Bible literalists at all, and he knows that we expose our kids to a lot more of “the world” than he does, but I have not used the “A” word around him yet. He probably thinks we are apostates but still somehow under the umbrella of God. I think he doesn’t ask specifics because he doesn’t want to know, and I don’t bring it up because I don’t want him to excommunicate me from the family.

On our long drive from Tennessee back to New Jersey, my husband asked me if my brother believes that we are going to Hell. I told my husband that I am not sure what my brother knows or believes about our religiosity, but it’s certainly a possibility that he might think one or more of us is bound for Hell. According to the doctrines in which we were brought up, I am of the “once saved always saved” crowd, so he probably believes that I am apostate but not necessarily bound for the Lake of Fire. I’m not sure if my brother knows that my husband was Catholic, but he may believe that somehow through my influence my husband is “saved” and that I probably made sure the children “got saved” too. My brother made sure his children said the “Sinner’s Prayer” and he baptized the boys in the bathtub (because somehow that’s allowed, I guess). My husband asked what the “Sinner’s Prayer” is, and I told him it’s some version of admitting that one is a sinner, that one repents of his or her sin, accepts that Jesus is the virgin-born son of God who died for our sins, was buried, resurrected, and ascended to heaven. One must accept that humans are all bound for Hell unless they have accepted the saving grace of Jesus. My husband naively stated, “Oh, it’s like the Creed we stated at church every Sunday.” I said, “Ummmm…sort of — it’s more of a one-and-done statement that you really, really, really have to mean for it to take. And then you get baptized. If it all takes, then you’re ‘saved’ from Hell.”

My husband stated that if my brother and his wife thought there was a possibility that we were bound for Hell, he is hurt and offended that they have not once tried to proselytize to him to make sure. Honestly, I was surprised by his statement, but I can understand why he would feel that way. If you truly believe that someone you care about is in danger of spending eternity in the Lake of Fire – or even if you are an annihilationist and believe that anyone sentenced to Hell immediately ceases to exist — why would you not try to warn that person before it is too late?

I explained to my husband that in Evangelical Christianity, there is great emphasis placed on “witnessing” or proselytizing. Remember the “Great Commission” in Matthew 28:19,20:

Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.

Some Evangelical Christians actively proselytize, verbally witnessing to people they meet or know. Some take a more passive approach, either by wearing Christian-themed clothing, posting Christian-themed signs on their property or vehicles, or decorating their office space with Christian-themed items. Some people make it their life’s vocation, becoming pastors or missionaries. But many (perhaps most?) Evangelicals do not “witness” at all. When I was an Evangelical, I did not actively witness to people. Everyone I knew at school and at church was already “saved.” I worked in a university biochemistry laboratory as a teenager and college student, and I was too intimidated to try to initiate a religious discussion with my coworkers, as all of them had at least a bachelor’s degree, most had doctorates, and I was not as educated as they. Honestly, I felt that Fundamentalist Christianity was a sect for the uneducated, and I assumed my coworkers probably thought so as well.

In any case, I was glad to make it through a trip to Tennessee without people preaching to me about their brand of religion, though I did see my fair share of Christian-themed road signs, T-shirts, and home decor in stores. A lot of people in Tennessee love Jesus!

What are your thoughts on proselytizing? Are you glad when people do not proselytize you, or do you consider that they do not care about you enough to try to witness to you so you escape eternity in Hell or annihilation after death? Did you attempt to proselytize when you were an Evangelical Christian? Why or why not?

You’ll Believe God is a Woman

Bruce Gerencser 7 Comments

god is a woman

Guest post by ObstacleChick

There is a popular song sung by Ariana Grande called God Is A Woman that has some Evangelical Christians up in arms. When it was released, my 18-year-old daughter and her friends were excited that this might be a song about female empowerment. They were hoping that Ariana Grande would sing about women pursuing their dreams, breaking through glass ceilings, being recognized as equals in the workplace and in politics, doing all the things that their grandmothers and great-grandmothers were prevented from doing as 18-year-olds. My daughter’s friend group were a bit disappointed that this was a song about sex with one’s lover. The song is empowering in that the woman is communicating to her lover what gives her pleasure, and she tells her lover what she will do to give her lover pleasure. Yet my daughter and her friends, all high-achieving young women who grew up in the shadow of New York City, wanted more:

You, you love it how I move you
You love it how I touch you
My one, when all is said and done
You’ll believe God is a woman
And I, I feel it after midnight
A feeling that you can’t fight
My one, it lingers when we’re done
You’ll believe God is a woman

I don’t wanna waste no time, yeah
You ain’t got a one-track mind, yeah
Have it any way you like, yeah
And I can tell that you know I know how I want it
Ain’t nobody else can relate
Boy, I like that you ain’t afraid
Baby, lay me down and let’s pray
I’m tellin’ you the way I like it, how I want it

(Yeah)
And I can be all the things you told me not to be
(Yeah)
When you try to come for me, I keep on flourishing
(Yeah)
And he see the universe when I’m in company
It’s all in me

You, you love it how I move you
You love it how I touch you
My one, when all is said and done
You’ll believe God is a woman
And I, I feel it after midnight
A feeling that you can’t fight
My one, it lingers when we’re done
You’ll believe God is a woman

I tell you all the things you should know
So, baby, take my hand, save your soul
We can make it last, take it slow, hmm
And I can tell that you know I know how I want it, yeah
That you different from the rest
And boy, if you confess, you might get blessed
See if you deserve what comes next
I’m tellin’ you the way I like it, how I want it

(Yeah)
And I can be all the things you told me not to be
(Yeah)
When you try to come for me, I keep on flourishing
(Yeah)
And he see the universe when I’m in company
It’s all in me

You, you love it how I move you
You love it how I touch you
My one, when all is said and done
You’ll believe God is a woman
And I, I feel it after midnight
A feeling that you can’t fight
My one, it lingers when we’re done
You’ll believe God is a woman, yeah, yeah

(God is a woman)
Yeah, yeah
(God is a woman, yeah)
My one
(One)
When all is said and done
You’ll believe God is a woman
You’ll believe God
(God is a woman)
Oh, yeah
(God is a woman, yeah)
(One)
It lingers when we’re done
You’ll believe God is a woman

Video Link

As we drove from northeastern New Jersey through Pennsylvania, Maryland, West Virginia, and Kentucky to my daughter’s university in middle Tennessee, we marveled at the bumper stickers and highway signs we saw along the way. Living in a diverse area where people of many faiths and no faith reside, we see religion represented by religious houses of worship and through religious dress. We are not accustomed to seeing signs with religious messages. Here is a small sample of the messages we saw during our road trip – I wish we had been able to photograph or write down each one, but this selection is representative of the messages we saw.

“Lust Will Drag You Down to Hell” (And there were flames in the bottom right-hand corner, because that’s where hell is, the bottom right-hand corner)

“Prepare To Meet Thy God” (Is that a threat or a promise? I can’t tell….)

“Todd’s Auto Body – Serving You AND The Lord” (Because if Todd is serving the Lord he TOTALLY won’t rip you off)

“God Loves You! Jesus Is Coming Soon!” (OK cool….does he want to text me to meet for coffee?)

“This Cross Is a Memorial to All the Aborted Babies” (Um….OK)

“HE > i” (and no, the lower-case “i” is not a typo)

“Jesus Forgives Our Sins” (Isn’t that special?)

Two separate billboards advertising the Planetarium and Creation Museum in Kentucky

A farm named “By Faith Farm”

A bumper sticker shaped like the Jesus fish, with American flag background, and prayer hands in the middle of the fish’s body with the text “For Freedom” superimposed over the flag (I suppose the meaning should be translated to “please pray for Christian religious freedom in America”)

T-shirt proclaiming that “Sundays are for Jesus, Family, and Football” (How about we skip the Jesus part and just go straight to Family and Football, OK?)

T-shirt proclaiming “Nope Satan, Not Today” (I found this particularly funny)

As we passed more and more of these types of signs, heard a political ad in West Virginia against a candidate who supported funding Planned Parenthood and appealing to the pro-life crowd, and saw Christian memorabilia for sale in the convenience stores, my daughter suddenly understood. She said that driving in a part of the country which was so overtly Christian made her aware that Ariana Grande’s song could only receive air time if her empowerment message was disguised as a love song rather than as an outright feminist anthem. While fundamentalist evangelical Christians are outraged over the notion that their God might be a woman (because, God forbid, complementarianism, y’all), they are focusing more on “God is a woman” than on a woman communicating her desires to her partner and promising to fulfill the partner’s desires in return. They are focusing on the outrage that their deity may be portrayed as a woman, someone who is commanded in the Pauline epistles to submit to the husband’s authority and to remain silent in church. They aren’t focusing on Ariana Grande’s encouragement of women to communicate with their partners as equals.

From my perspective, if some Evangelical teenagers listen to this song, I hope that the message of equality gets through to them. And yes, from my experience growing up as a Fundamentalist teenager, many teens do sneak and listen to “worldly” radio (or these days, streaming music) without their parents knowing. No matter how much youth pastors rant and rave against the influences of “the world,” the ranting and raving only make the appeal of “worldly” media that much more enticing. Who knows, maybe some of these Evangelical teens might embrace the concept that god could, indeed, be a woman!

This Week with Evangelicals on Social Media by ObstacleChick

Bruce Gerencser 7 Comments

facebook and twitter

A Guest Post by ObstacleChick

Many of my relatives and friends from my Evangelical days are prolific in posting their religious views on social media. I’d love to ask them how many converts they think they’ve gotten from their posts. From what I can tell, they get “likes” from those who agree with them in their echo chamber while the rest of us just roll our eyes and scroll by.

Here are some highlights from this week.

Religion:
If I obey, I’m accepted.
If I’m good, God will love me.
People: Good and bad
Focus: What I do or don’t do
Produces: Pride and despair
Motivated by fear

Gospel:
I’m accepted so I obey.
I’m bad and Jesus loves bad people.
People: Repentant or not
Focus: What Jesus did
Produces: Humility and confidence
Motivated by love

Interpretation

“I don’t follow a ‘religion’, I follow something infinitely superior — the Gospel! I’m a bad bad person and Jesus loves me anyway because I was repentant and accepted the fact that I was so incredibly bad that Jesus/God had to become human, die, and be resurrected to prevent himself/God/Jesus/Holy Spirit from damning me to eternity in hell if I humble myself and admit how utterly bad I am. Now I’m confident I won’t go to hell. Because love. Because Jesus committed suicide for us, but not really because himself/his dad could raise people from the dead. So don’t call me religious.”

We must never rest until everything inside us worships God – A.W. Tozer

“We’ve gotta worship God all the time to make sure we keep him happy. Because if God ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. Yay God!”

The modern world demands that we approve what it should not dare ask us to be tolerated – Nicolas Gomez Davila

Interpretation

“My inspiration of the Holy Spirit (aka, what my pastor tells me) from the Bible assures me that gay people should not have equal rights to straight people; that women should be submissive to their husbands, fathers, pastors, etc., and should stay home and take care of babies and homes whether they want to or not; that people who do not believe the way I do are apostates and going to burn in hell for eternity; that my religious freedom demands that I be allowed to discriminate against all these apostate sinners. Why? Because Jesus! And you shouldn’t ask me to be tolerant of other people’s beliefs, because they’re wrong — Jesus/my pastor told me they are wrong.”

But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me – 2 Timothy 4:17

“I got scared and my mommy wasn’t there so I thought real real hard and remembered this Bible verse. And then I was able to go do adult stuff. Yay Lord!”

The meek man is not a human mouse afflicted with a sense of his own inferiority. Rather he may be in his moral life as bold as a lion and as strong as Samson, but he has stopped being fooled about himself. He has accepted God’s estimate of his own life. He knows he is as weak and helpless as God has declared him to be, but paradoxically, he knows at the same time that he is in the sight of God of more importance than angels. In himself, nothing; in God, everything. That is his motto. He knows well. – A.W. Tozer

Interpretation

“My God is an abuser and I am his abused subject. He declares that I am weak and worthless without him. I believe that I am a worthless piece of garbage because he tells me so. But one of himself/his beings became human and committed fake suicide and rose from the dead because he can do stuff like that because he is omnimax so that he wouldn’t have to send me to eternity in hell just for existing if I repented hard enough, believed the right things, and said the right things. Yay God! Isn’t he awesome? Now I’m worth something because he said I am. And you’re a worthless piece of garbage if you don’t believe the right things.”

Satan tries to limit your praying because he knows your praying will limit him. – Toby Mac #SpeakLife

Interpretation

“I believe in a whole mess of supernatural beings that I can’t see. God, Jesus, Holy Spirit, angels, demons, Satan/Lucifer/Devil, Beast, Anti-Christ — they’re all totally real, y’all, and they are out there doing battle. It’s like Harry Potter (but not, because we all know Harry Potter is totally demonic because witchcraft) except you can’t see them and they’re totally all around us and all. And the Bad Guys try to control us and lead us astray and all, and the Good Guys just want us to follow them and do the right thing and not be led into temptation. Yay Good Guys! And I think that if I think hard enough in my head about the supernatural sphere or say words out loud to the supernatural sphere, that the Good Guys will hear me and will get their swords going even harder to defeat the evil old meanie Bad Guys!”

Feel free to craft your own creative responses or to share your own experiences from this week with Christians on Social Media!

Bruce Gerencser