15 Astounding Predictions for 2016 by Atheist Bruce Gerencser

end of the world

This is the time of year when Evangelical soothsayers, psychics, and Nate Silver (ESPN 538) make predictions for the coming year.  I thought, in keeping with the spirit of the New Year, that I, the atheist version of Carnac the Magnificent, would make a few predictions of my own. Here’s my 15 Astounding Predictions for 2016.

  1. Richard Dawkins will say something stupid.
  2. Neil deGrasse Tyson will say something brilliant.
  3. The Pope will not get laid.
  4. Evangelicals will continue to say the rapture is nigh.
  5. At least three Evangelical preachers will be arrested and charged with molesting children and 25 others will be accused of sexual misconduct.
  6. Evangelicals will continue to say atheists hate God and secretly want to have wanton, immoral sex.
  7. Franklin Graham will be exposed as a cross dressing transvestite.
  8. Evangelical Calvinists will continue to say their critics don’t understand Calvinism.
  9. Bart Ehrman will write another book. It will be titled Jesus Before the Gospels: How the Earliest Christians Remembered, Changed, and Invented their Stories of the Savior. I predict it will be released on March 1, 2016
  10. Donald Trump will say bat-shit crazy stuff and his followers will love it.
  11. Evangelicals will continue to think that Christianity is under attack and that secularists are trying to make Christianity illegal.
  12. Tea Party Republicans will continue to think that the lame stream media controls America and that Muslim socialist Barack Hussein Obama is coming to take their guns.
  13. The day after Thanksgiving, Fox News will say that there is a War on Christmas.
  14. One Million Moms will continue to be outraged over nudity, cursing, and gay kissing on TV. This year they will find their lost remote and learn that if they push the channel button it changes the channel.
  15. Democrats will win the presidency, a sure sign that the Antichrist is preparing to usher in the new world order.
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11 Comments

  1. Becky Wiren

    LOL for #7. That would be great, as Franklin Graham is a real prick. And I’ve acted on #9. 😉

    Reply
  2. Karen the rock whisperer

    Ooh, a new Ehrman book! Thanks! And I sure hope you’re right about #15.

    Reply
  3. August Rode

    Most of these aren’t even predictions; they’re definitional.

    Reply
  4. mikespeir

    Like to play it safe, don’t you, Bruce? 😉

    Reply
  5. TLC

    Sorry, I will have to disagree with you on no. 13. That won’t wait for the day after Thanksgiving. It’ll come the day after Halloween.

    Reply
  6. BRIAN

    Richard Dawkins will say something stupid. AGREED
    Neil deGrasse Tyson will say something brilliant. YEP
    The Pope will not get laid. TRADITIONALLY…
    Evangelicals will continue to say the rapture is nigh. IS THE POPE CATHOLIC?
    At least three Evangelical preachers be arrested and charged with molesting children and 25 others will be accused of sexual misconduct.
    Evangelicals will continue to say atheists hate God and secretly want to have wanton, immoral sex. AGREED BUT ESTIMATE IS VERY LOW.
    Franklin Graham will be exposed as a cross dressing transvestite. SIMPLY INCORRECT…. BUT HE DOES HOLD MARIJUANA PRAYER MEETINGS.
    Evangelical Calvinists will continue to say their critics don’t understand Calvinism. BECAUSE IT IS NOT TO BE UNDERSTOOD UNLESS ONE IS CHOSEN TO UNDERSTAND! SHEESH!
    Bart Ehrman will write another book. It will be titled Jesus Before the Gospels: How the Earliest Christians Remembered, Changed, and Invented their Stories of the Savior. I predict it will be released on March 1, 2016 YEP.
    Donald Trump will say bat-shit crazy stuff and his followers will love it. YEP.
    Evangelicals will continue to think that Christianity is under attack and that secularists are trying to make Christianity illegal. THIS IS NOT THINKING BUT KNOWLEDGE GIVEN LIKE PAUL ON THE ROAD—> BANG! KNOWN.
    Tea Party Republicans will continue to think that the lame stream media controls America and that Muslim socialist Barack Hussein Obama is coming to take their guns. OBAMA, WHEN TRANSLATED INTO _______, AND THEN VIEWED BACKWARDS, SPELLS SATAN.
    The day after Thanksgiving, Fox News will say that there is a War on Christmas. AT LEAST THEY WAIT UNTIL THE ORDERS ARE VERIFIED BY THE TEA PARTY.
    One Million Moms will continue to be outraged over nudity, cursing, and gay kissing on TV. This year they will find their lost remote and learn that if they push the channel button it changes the channel. MUSLIM EXTREMISTS WILL ATTEMPT TO COUPLE WITH THEM TO PRODUCE WEE NARROW-MINDED THINGS WHO KNOW THE ONE TRUE GOD. (THIS WILL CAUSE MARITAL STRIFE BUT THEY WERE WARNED ABOUT MISED MARRIAGE.)
    Democrats will win the presidency, a sure sign that the Antichrist is preparing to usher in the new world order. THE LEFT WILL PRESENT AN OMNICHRIST TO COUNTER THE ANTICHRIST AND CLAIM THAT OBAMA IS ACTUALLY AMURKAN CHRISTIAN.

    Reply
  7. Geoff

    “Tea Party Republicans will continue to think that the lame stream media controls America and that Muslim socialist Barack Hussein Obama is coming to take their guns.”

    When ironically Faux news controls all non-liberal thinking.

    Reply
  8. Jackie

    Haha, I’m on board with all except Frankie G exposed as a cross dresser. If that family has a dirty secret it’s that Anne Lotz is really a man. 😉

    Reply
  9. Melly Smuff

    Bruce why did you promote the evil superstition of Christianity for so many years doing immeasurable damage to so many innocent lives.I think revenge is required against evil this vile

    Reply
    1. Bruce Gerencser (Post author)

      Why do any of us do anything? We do what we know.

      https://brucegerencser.net/why/

      Reply
  10. dale mcinnes

    Let me add another one to your list Bruce. Rapturists are not true Americans. The RAPTURE is a traitorous code for people that will abandon America to its fate, throw their American citizenship away, and will refuse to fight for America against a Christ born invasion. They will change sides. They have repeatedly said that they will surrender to the enemy of a secular free America. Other Rapturists like some CEOs who use shareholders companies to enrich themselves and then pull out and run when the company falls and shareholders lose their shirts. These are Rapturists. Rats who step off a sinking ship that they themseles quided into an iceberg. So. # 16 : Evangelicals are still waiting for the Rapture to turn their backs on America and join her enemies. Am I being too harsh here ?? or not harsh enough ??

    Reply

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