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Questions: What Happened?

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I put out the call to readers, asking them for questions they would like me to answer. If you have a question, please leave it here or email me. All questions will be answered in the order in which they are received.

Steve asked:

What was unanswered for me by your comments on faith and the loss of your faith in God, is what happened. I wrestle with confusing contradictions of definition and practice in my own life, but for me God never got lost in that ongoing struggle. In fact, my frailty and understanding of my human weakness has come clearly into view while the faithfulness and forgiveness of God is my only hope. I just want to understand what happened on the path from your faith in God to atheism. Maybe how did you come to faith first and what dissolved it?

Life has been very hard, but God is still real. What made that different for you?

Since December 2014, I have written 3,545 posts, totaling 2,963,575 words. Suffice it to say, I have written extensively about my journey from Evangelicalism to atheism. I have told, re-told, and told again what led me to file for divorce from Jesus. Yet, despite all of this, many Christians still don’t understand WHY I am no longer a Christian. Steve is one such person.

Why do some Christians have such a hard time understanding my story; understanding my loss of faith? The main reason, I believe, is their inability to wrap their minds around the fact of a devoted, committed Evangelical pastor turning his back on everything he held dear. Jesus is the everything of Evangelicalism. He’s a lover, savior, friend, and confidant. He is the alpha and omega; the first and the last; the beginning and the end. I am sure Steve wonders, “why would anyone ever want to walk away from Jesus; walk away from the forgiveness of sins and life eternal; walk away from a life filled with meaning, purpose, and direction?”

I pastored thousands of people over the course of twenty-five years in the ministry. More than a few people struggle with accepting that I am no longer a Christian; that I am no longer a pastor; that I am no longer the passionate lover of Jesus they warmly and lovingly called Preacher. These people reflect on my sermons, passion for evangelism, commitment to sound doctrine, and tireless labors and ask themselves, “what happened?”

What happened, as I have detailed numerous times, is that once I no longer believed that the Bible was an inspired, inerrant, infallible text, I was then free to re-examine the claims of Christianity. I spent countless hours pondering the beliefs I once held dear. Sure, there were emotional aspects of my deconversion, but ultimately my decision to walk away from Christianity had to do with one simple fact: I no longer believed the central claims of Christianity to be true. I concluded cardinal doctrines such as the virgin birth of Jesus, his resurrection from the dead, and the miracles recorded in the gospels could not be rationally sustained. (Please see The Michael Mock Rule: It Just Doesn’t Make Sense) Once these beliefs fell by the wayside it was clear to me that whatever I was, I wasn’t a Christian. So, on the last Sunday of November in 2008, I walked out of the back door of the Ney United Methodist Church, never to return.

Yes, Bruce, I get all that, but WHAT happened? And therein lies the problem for many of my interlocutors. They have convinced themselves that I am hiding a secret of some sort — the REAL reason I deconverted. What such people want is an emotional explanation for my loss of faith. Surely there’s a trauma of some sort buried deep in the recesses of my story. I hate to break it to people, but there’s no untold secret. I have done all I can possibly do to honestly, openly, and completely tell my story. I don’t know what else I can say to people other than to say, read my blog! (Start with the WHY page.)

Part of the problem for Christians such as Steve is that they compare their lives to mine. Steve speaks of living a hard life, yet knowing that the Christian God is real and ever with him. Surely, it should be the same for me, right? I am not one to compare my life to the lives of others. Life is complex and messy, and each of us has unique circumstances and experiences. Instead of trying to find the one thing that led to my loss of faith, I wish Christians would just accept my story at face value. Many Christians cannot square my story with their own stories and beliefs. That’s not my problem. All I know is this: I once was saved, and now I am not. I once was a follower of Jesus, and now I am not.

Christians often look for defects in my story. Steve asking about how I came to faith is a good example of this approach. If a defect in the conversion process can be found, then my story makes perfect sense. I never was a Christian! See, I didn’t follow the right steps. Of course, such thinking is absurd. In the twenty-five years I spent pastoring churches, not one congregant, Christian friend, or ministerial colleague ever doubted my salvation or commitment to Christian orthodoxy and the teachings of the Bible. It’s disingenuous to say I never was a Christian. Nothing in my frail, imperfect life suggested that I was anything but a Christian.

I can’t keep Christians from combing through my life, looking for glosses, weaknesses, and contradictions. I know what I know, and that’s all that matters. I have published enough information about my life for anyone so inclined to come to a conclusion about my faith and subsequent atheism. People looking for secrets are sure to be disappointed. Well, except for my “secret” life as a pole dancer and stripper. Coming soon to a strip club near you! (Please see the ABOUT page.)

About Bruce Gerencser

Bruce Gerencser, 62, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 41 years. He and his wife have six grown children and twelve grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist. For more information about Bruce, please read the About page.

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  1. Avatar

    In my experience, what x-tians can’t get their heads round is that many of us who, like Bruce, were totally sold out for jesus for decades, deconverted with extreme reluctance, shock and horror that this could be happening. Try as we might to deal with our doubts and plead with god to remove them, nothing happened. When we dared to confront the dissonances, which, in my case went back for years, we realised we had been following a fiction. The freedom and sense of release at unchaining ourselves from this imaginary monster and his book of rules, is wonderful.
    As you said, Bruce, ‘I have found the promised land, why would I want to return to Egypt?’
    As Neil Carter said ‘We didn’t deconvert because we were luke-warm x-tians, we worked our socks off 24/7 for jesus and realised with mounting horror that none of it made sense.’

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      @Matilda… “…deconverted with extreme reluctance, shock and horror that this could be happening.” THIS! This is what those who are still “in it” I feel do NOT understand! After leaving the institution of the church itself, I tried SO hard to hang on to my faith for quite a while, even as the doubts mounted! For those out there who think we just woke up one day, and decided on a whim that we were no longer believers, think again! There was a HELL of a lot of angst and soul searching that went into getting to that point, and it was neither simple or easy! I didn’t WANT to lose my faith, far from it! In fact, I tried to find EVERY reason and evidence to keep it. But alas… And NOT one believer out there has ANY right to judge us OR our previous walk with God, because you cannot see into the heart of another, no one can. So you can take your pat answer that “well we must not have been TRUE Christians to begin with”, and shove it! Because WE know who we were! We KNOW how “sold out for Jesus” we were!

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        So true…and then of course, x-tians know exactly why we de-converted. apart from us not being True X-tians in the first place, we hate god, want to sin, are too rebellious stupid and ignorant to accept the ”facts” of their rule book. In my case, apparently it’s because I’m an ”ardent/violent feminist” just going through a phase…I think x-tians are so programmed to worship something, they can’t get their heads round the fact that human beings can lead satisfactory lives without worshipping anything.

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    Brian Vanderlip

    Listen Bruce, I was right with you all the way through this post and all the while knowing that Steve et al will no doubt still come back with exactly the same queries because they do not wish to confront the dissonance Matilda mentions and prefer to ride the Jesus-go-round. It is astounding to me that the fact you chose to be an honest and forthright person seems mean so little to them. Why might that be, oh Christian? Might it be that it is too personally painful to be deeply honest with yourself, to look at things like virgin births and coming back from the dead and walking on water and admit that you choose to be irrational and that you lie to children about these matters and many others?
    I experienced joy and deep gratification when I chose to be honest and admit I really did not believe and it was time to get off the Jesus-go-round.
    But Bruce, the Gerencser stripper pole is too much. Some things that you might do in your own living room, just freakin’ keep to yourself! 😉

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    The conversion process for Christian’s is supposed to be a tangible, emotional experience, like Saul/Paul on the road to Damascus. So it makes sense that Christians would think deconversion happens the same way, I suppose.

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    Brunetto Latini

    There was a definite circumstance that led me down the path to unbelief. But I’ve identified countless instances not related to me personally that could have and should have made me or anyone else question faith. Such as a local news story several years ago involving a 5-year-old who wandered from his grandmother on a farm and died of exposure. There are countless examples everyday that demonstrate there’s no loving God watching over innocent people and sparrows.

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    In my family, parents never told us Santa Claus’ job was being done by the parents. So we had to figure it out on our own. Losing religion and losing Santa Claus for me was followed a rather similar course of action. We were primed to believe in both, but evidence kept on piling up.

    When you’re analyzing how a person’s attitudes and beliefs change over time change the psychological phenomena known as the “schema” is useful to understand the process. It isn’t one zinger that changes a person’s attitude, it is a slow process of Jenga blocks being removed. Normally people are very defensive of their attitudes and will find ways to mentally maintain the existing status quo. Oh and no I don’t “hate” Santa Claus. I suppose Santa Claus and God can still exist as metaphors, but this isn’t exactly what Virginia had in mind when she wrote to the Sun.

    In the case of Bruce, Steve et al. should know that he is the tip of the iceberg. There are many clergy that don’t believe, but must maintain the lie for social or financial reasons.

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    Steve Ruis

    This is much the same as the constant stream of questions from theists to us atheists like: “Why do you hate God?” Or statements like “You just want to sin!” I do not have a god to hate not do I have a god which defines sin, so both are nonsensical to me. But they keep asking. (In fairness, they don’t listen very well to our answers, nor share them with others to help the others understand.)

  7. Avatar
    Steve Dennis

    I notice that none but those who have “de-converted” have commented to the answer Bruce provided to my question. (I do confess that I read much more of Bruce’s journey after submitting my question -which might have eliminated the need for my question, but not the issue that arises from the concept and implications of abandoning one’s faith in God.)
    I insist that I do not believe in the “Niagara Falls” – I can honestly say that I have never seen them, I have never felt their spray or smelled what people describe. People look at me in disgust and dismay and usually counter my assertion as they present me their own personal testimony of their experience.
    I have a friend that believes “the earth is flat” and proves it with assorted Bible texts. (He has been and still is my best friend of 40yrs) I have dozens of friends and acquaintances who believe that God does not exist. I can’t prove them right or wrong -but it does not change what I believe (or change what actually is truth.)
    Any true God is not the creation of my reason, however, the perception of and interaction with such a being is a matter of my choice (at least taken from today’s perspective.) If it were still an option, to take the historical ride in a barrel over the Niagara Falls, ( would certainly prove to me the reality of the fall. Anything else could still leave me in doubt because of the possibility of illusions and delusions.
    I enjoy “thinking outside of the box” -something that baffles the minds of my more “stable minded” friends. I know I will never have the last word on any matter -but I really don’t want to find out that I was totally wrong on the important topics. Steve

    • Avatar
      Michael Mock

      I would quibble a bit with the word “abandoning”, since none of the former Christians I know (including myself) gave up their faith entirely voluntarily; as far as I can tell, that isn’t how the process works. “Losing one’s faith” is closer to the experience, though “found ourselves unable to hold onto it” may be closer still.

      But like a lot of things, I’m not sure how to really explain it to someone who hasn’t been there.

      • Avatar
        Bruce Gerencser

        I tell people my deconversion was an agonizing, slow, painful process, yet there was a moment in time when I had an un-born again experience of sorts; that moment when I said to myself (and Polly) “I’m no longer a Christian.” I see my deconversion as similar to getting a divorce. There’s the process, and then there’s the moment when the judge signs the divorce decree. The former is often painful, but the latter brings freedom; a sense of loss, but also a new start.

        Make sense?

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      Thomas Schuler

      „I insist that I do not believe in the “Niagara Falls” – I can honestly say that I have never seen them, I have never felt their spray or smelled what people describe.“…. „Anything else (but seeing them personally) could still leave me in doubt because of the possibility of illusions and delusions“

      How do we gain knowledge?
      Much of what we know, we have not seen personally or tried out personally. But we have trustworthy scientific testimony and many indirect observations, that this knowledge is very, very likely correct.
      Of course scientific knowledges improves and corrects itself all the time, but the basic facts are very well established.

      If you insist to not believe in anything that you have not seen or tried out personally, then there is not much left.
      With this attitude, it is difficult to make any progress in knowledge at all, because you insist to start from Zero, and one lifetime is not nearly enough to gather the human knowledge.

      So the challenge is, whom do I put my trust in (call it „believe“, if you want).
      This trust has to be justified with good reasons and arguments. I am not talking about blind trust here.

      With this in mind, I can safely say that the Niagara falls exist, and that Jesus was a mere mortal, even though I have never seen both personally.

      • Avatar
        Steve Dennis

        ‘Sir Thomas’ 🙂
        I quote you: “With this in mind, I can safely say that the Niagara falls exist, and that Jesus was a mere mortal, even though I have never seen both personally.” With pleasure, I see that you read my statement and though facetious, it was only intended to make my point -however, it is nice to know that one has been heard. My mother used to say that one has not communicated until the hearer has captured the same concept as the speaker had in mind. I have noticed that seldom happens in modern forms of communications. Much of modern expression of speech relentlessly cries for a sense of independence to think and believe as the individual likes regardless of what was being put forward. That ‘freedom of thought” often creeps into our acceptance of absolutes that we might not like. (This really happened for me when watching Al Gore’s “inconvenient truth”) The case he built fell apart for me half way through. It was difficult to follow him after I lost faith in what he was proposing. Today,I don’t accept many of the fundamental premises of our modern concept of “a climate change crisis.” So does what I believe, accept or promote actually change the real situation or it’s causes? Or does my lack of understanding on such matters shape what I believe? -the second statement without question is true.
        My point remains in terms of “holding to” or leaving one’s “faith” (especially faith in God) is that we get so engaged with what we can or want to prove that we forget that we don’t have access to all the data. We make assertions and assumptions that too often prove later to be very wrong. I like the idea that there is a knowledge and a presence greater than me that has it all figured out -even if I don’t. I know that very idea grates on, even constricts certain people beyond what they can bear. One day we will all find out what was truth and what was not, and whether what we promoted and believed, mattered or did not!

        (This has proven quite interesting -in the sense that I did not expect to converse with anyone other than Bruce. I hope that this is not defeating the purpose of Bruce’s blog.)

        • Avatar
          Grammar Gramma

          Steve Dennis – you said “I like the idea that there is a knowledge and a presence greater than me that has it all figured out -even if I don’t.” I am an evidence person, and I have seen no evidence of a presence that has it all figured out. The one in the bible doesn’t seem to – he created man and set him up for failure. He didn’t like what Adam and Eve did, so cast them out of Eden.
          According to Genesis 6, “The LORD regretted that he had made human beings on the earth, and his heart was deeply troubled.” So he drowned all but eight of them.
          In Genesis 19, He didn’t like what was going on in Sodom and Gomorrah, so killed everyone – everyone! including babies, children, pregnant women.
          In Exodus 12, he killed all the firstborn of Egypt.
          In Numbers 21, with god’s blessing, the Israelites completely destroyed the Canaanites and their towns.
          In Deuteronomy 20, he told the Israelites “in the cities of the nations the LORD your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them—the Hittites, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites—as the LORD your God has commanded you.” He ordered the Israelites to attack the Amalekites and to kill everyone, including men, women, children and infants.
          And, of course, as every little Christian child knows, in Joshua 6, Joshua fit the battle of Jericho, and when the walls came tumbling down, the Israelites, at the behest of god, “destroyed with the sword every living thing in it—men and women, young and old, cattle, sheep and donkeys.”
          Again, in Joshua 10, Joshua “subdued the whole region, including the hill country, the Negev, the western foothills and the mountain slopes, together with all their kings. He left no survivors. He totally destroyed all who breathed, just as the LORD, the God of Israel, had commanded.”
          Still further Joshua, at Chapter 11, “Joshua turned back and captured Hazor and put its king to the sword. (Hazor had been the head of all these kingdoms.) Everyone in it they put to the sword. They totally destroyed them, not sparing anyone that breathed, and he burned Hazor itself.”
          And don’t forget, in 1 Samuel 15, “the LORD repented that he had made Saul king over Israel.”
          The bible refers to King David as a man of god, even though David lusted after a woman, had her husband killed, and took her for his own (1 Samuel). Yet in Acts 13, Paul says that god said “I have found David the son of Jesse, a man after mine own heart, which shall fulfil all my will.” If David was a man after god’s own heart, what then is in the heart of the Christian god?
          I see a bloodthirsty “being” who requires a blood sacrifice. These examples don’t give me much confidence that there is a presence that has it all figured out.

        • Avatar
          Thomas Schuler

          „My point remains in terms of “holding to” or leaving one’s “faith” (especially faith in God) is that we get so engaged with what we can or want to prove that we forget that we don’t have access to all the data.“

          That is the dilemma – we will never have perfect access to all the data. So we have to live and form our world view with the available knowledge.

          I can not provide a mathematical, perfect proof that God does not exist. However, the likelihood is very, very small, according to what I observe. So it makes sense to assume that he does not exist, or prefers to hide his existence – which amounts to the same thing from a human perspective.

          „We make assertions and assumptions that too often prove later to be very wrong.“

          Yes. Unfortunately 🙂 Great is the man who can admit that he was wrong.

          „…, and whether what we promoted and believed, mattered or did not!“

          What we believe, certainly shapes our relationships and actions, and the way we organize our society.
          So it greatly matters for our lives on this earth.

          As for the afterlife – who knows? 🙂

  8. Avatar
    Karen the rock whisperer

    Bruce, I totally want to see that pole dance. Get Polly to record it (at least, up to the point where it truly becomes porn) and share it with us. 🙂

    Because we all invent our own versions of God (though each invention shares lots of characteristics with others’ inventions), we atheists each have our own roads out of belief. My road was different than yours, partly because my initial training was different, and partly because my brain works differently. So it goes. But I also think, if your experience doesn’t make sense to Christians who are asking, it is because they themselves don’t believe they would ever follow your path. Which might well be true, but (and here’s the scary part for them) maybe there’s a path they CAN follow out of religious belief.

  9. Avatar

    I suppose, not to assume that I understood Steve’s question better than he does (especially since he’s commented above)–the follow up question is, was there a line for you between rejecting biblical inerrancy/Christ’s divinity, and embracing atheism? Obviously there are many folks (myself included) who believe in a concept of “god” without the trappings of evangelical Christianity… so I’d say, even if this wasn’t the question Steve was really asking, do you feel that you went through multiple stages of detachment from religion (rejecting evangelical Christianity, then Christianity as a whole upon further examination, then rejection of the concept of a God of any kind) or was it all a package deal–if the evangelical view isn’t true then all of it must be BS? I know (because I asked you at some point in the past,)that you and Polly did attend non-evangelical churches of various types after your departure from your former congregation; how did that inform your eventual acceptance of your own atheism?

    • Avatar
      Thomas Schuler

      –the follow up question is, was there a line for you between rejecting biblical inerrancy/Christ’s divinity,

      If one does not accept Christ‘s divinity anymore, then one can hardly be called a Christian anymore. (Except maybe in the sense of traditional/cultural Christian)

      Theoretically, one could reject Christs divinity, and still believe in a (any) God. However, I guess this is very rare, because the reasons for not believing that Jesus is God, are very similar reasons for not believing that any other human idea or human being is God.
      So this leads us to agnosticism. Atheism is not far from there…

      • Avatar

        Thomas said

        “ So this leads us to agnosticism. Atheism is not far from there…”

        I know not everyone agrees, but I argue that atheism is always a requirement for genuine agnosticism. Agnosticism is a neutral position based on the evidence, but it then requires that one must withhold belief pending that evidence. That is atheism.

      • Avatar

        Maybe I’m not understanding you, Thomas–but believing in god while rejecting Christ’s divinity is pretty common among us non-Christians. 🙂 Surely you’re not implying that non-Christians are “very rare”? A number of people in my church are former Evangelicals who didn’t come to the same atheist end point that Bruce has; so it’s certainly possible to shed one’s belief in biblical inerrancy, the trinity, a divine Christ, etc, without becoming an agnostic or an atheist. So my question to Bruce was whether he felt like for him these were separate stages of thought, or if once the evangelical underpinnings were gone the whole house came crashing down. As someone who’s never been a christian, I’m interested in how people’s experiences differ–your Jesus mileage may vary. 🙂

        • Avatar
          Bruce Gerencser

          The question for me is at what point does one stop being a Christian? If someone doesn’t believe in the divinity of Christ or his resurrection from the dead, is that person still a Christian? I say no. I’ve had liberals argue for a reductionist Christianity that sheds virtually every core Christian belief. I find myself saying, “why bother?” The same goes for people who believe you can reject the teachings of the Bible, yet still be a Christian. I find such a thought to be absurd. Foundational to Christianity is the teachings of the Bible — however they are interpreted. Simply put, no Bible, no Christianity (especially the Pauline Christianity practiced by most American Christians).

        • Avatar
          Thomas Schuler

          „ Thomas–but believing in god while rejecting Christ’s divinity is pretty common among us non-Christians.“
          Yes, I was talking only about people who were Christians before. That is, people who deconverted.

          „Surely you’re not implying that non-Christians are “very rare”?“
          I was trying to say that people who believed in Jesus before their deconversion, very rarely keep on believing in the Christian God or any other God.

          „As someone who’s never been a christian, I’m interested in how people’s experiences differ–your Jesus mileage may vary“

          I assume you have not deconverted from your religion?

          • Avatar

            No, I have not deconverted–but many members of my church are former members of other faiths, for sure. Some are former Christians who left their prior faith but didn’t become atheists or agnostics per se. So I’d dispute the “very rarely keep on believing in… any other god” in your post–they may stop believing in the Trinitarian Christian idea of god, but there are certainly plenty of folks who continue to profess a belief in some sort of god after leaving the Christian church.

      • Avatar
        Thomas Schuler

        Emersonian wrote:
        „Many members of my church are former members of other faiths“

        @ Emersonian:
        I assume you are a transcendentalist according to Ralph Waldo Emerson? ( I wasn‘t aware of his philosophy so far, in Europe he is not widely known 🙂

        According to wikipedia, Emerson „ took a more pantheist or pandeist approach by rejecting views of God as separate from the world.“

        Here is the point where we have to define more clearly what we mean with the word „God“.

        In my previous posts, I used the word in the sense of „All-powerfull deity who created the universe and is the ruler of the world.“ – basically the monotheistic definition.

        What do you mean when you say „God“?

  10. Avatar
    Brunetto Latini

    Agnosticism is as far from atheism as doubt or apathy is from certainty.

    If you want to limit it to the Christian God, most agnostics are atheists. But the terms are not specific.

    I was certain there is a God in former years. I do not have the same certainty now in the opposite direction. And I really don’t care, because either the proof or disproof will not change my mode of living. The is my only certainty.

  11. Avatar


    I don’t think anyone of us has a quick answer to what happened. We all go through a long and arduous process that is often quite painful. I am still going through it 30 years later. If you truly want to understand, then just ask yourself a simple question. “What would change my mind about god?”

    If the answer is “nothing”, then do not waste your time. Your mind is already made up and it will be a futile exercise. There are better ways to spend your time like being with loved ones, helping the less fortunate, fantasizing about Bruce doing a pole dance…

    If the answer is something more concrete, then you have taken the necessary first step. Take off your particular set of special god approved blinders and open your eyes. Seek the truth no mater how uncomfortable it is. Do lots of reading and research. Never stop learning. Where you end up and whether or not you still believe no longer matters. What does matter is that you will realize and respect that we are all human beings going through our own personal journey called life. Only then will you have an inkling of what happened to us.

  12. Avatar

    Steve Dennis: I was raised in the southern baptist church… after being called to ministry, I really undertook Bible study… two years later of New Testament Greek, and examining and defending several different systematic theologies, I came to the conclusion it was all made up!
    Interestingly, once I gave up belief in the Bible, I found no reason to condemn homosexuals as I had before…I became a liberal!
    You might try it yourself… it’s liberating and you will find yourself judging people less and less, which is one thing Christians really like to do.

  13. Avatar

    I did catch your show, Bruce, and you are surprisingly nimble on the pole! I’d have to say it was as good, if not better, than the donkey show immediately afterward. Keep this up and the Chippendales will be recruiting you!

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