I grew up in a system of religious faith that taught me a negative view of women. Every Independent Fundamentalist Baptist (IFB) pastor and professor who instructed me in the True Christian Faith® taught me the following:
- Women were created by God to be their husbands’ helpmeets.
- Women are commanded by God to be keepers of their homes. Their primary tasks are housekeeping, cooking meals, caring for children, and spreading their legs whenever their husbands want sex.
- Women, when compared to men, are weaker vessels and need the protection of males.
- Men are the head of their homes and their wives are to submit to their rule and authority.
- Women are temptresses, leading men (and teen boys) into sexual immorality.
- Women have the duty to dress in ways to keep men from lusting after them. Women, then, are sexual gatekeepers.
- Women cannot be pastors or serve in any church capacity that puts them in authority over men. Some pastors and professors taught me that women were to be silent in church and were not permitted to participate in church governance.
These beliefs were modeled — albeit imperfectly and hypocritically — to me throughout my primary, secondary, and post-secondary years of school. It should come as no surprise, then, that once I began preaching and pastoring churches, I taught these beliefs to congregants. Multiple generations of people were taught by me that women were inferior, dangerous beings best suited for domestic work, teaching women, preparing church dinners, and staffing the nursery. Women who violated these Biblical “truths” were viewed as rebellious towards God, their churches, and their husbands.
My wife and I lived by these beliefs for many years. Our home was what I would call a traditional IFB home. Not only did Polly care for the home, she also home-schooled our six children. For five years, she taught our children and others in our church’s private Christian school. Polly did work in a church daycare (Temple Tots, a ministry of the Newark Baptist Temple) and taught third grade for one year at Licking County Christian Academy in Heath, Ohio. Polly received a lesser wage than male teachers because I was the head of our home; she was not.
Ten years before we deconverted, Polly took a job cleaning offices at a local manufacturing concern. She works for this company today as a manager, recently celebrating twenty-seven years on the job. By the time Polly started working at Sauder Woodworking, our marriage had evolved, taking on more of an egalitarian quality. Our quest for true marital equality and egalitarianism continues to this day. Old habits die hard, but we do try to present an egalitarian model to our children and grandchildren. I suspect this late in the game we will never outlive the deep marks complementarianism has made on us personally, on our marriage, and on our children.
It wasn’t until I deconverted that I was able to have female friends. As long as Jesus and I were best friends, I had no female friends. How could I, since I believed that some women were temptresses out to seduce and bed me? I had women I considered acquaintances, but I always kept them at arm’s length out of fear of being tempted to sin. I was taught to avoid the very appearance of evil. Thus, I was not permitted to enjoy the company of women if my wife was not present. No social interaction whatsoever was permitted. Of course, this kind of thinking cut me off from a wealth of wisdom and knowledge. When it came to the churches I pastored, I ran the show, and when serious decisions had to be made, it was the men who made them. Women were permitted to vote in business meetings, but there was no doubt about which sex and which member of that sex was in charge.
in 2008, I divorced Jesus. Once free of Christianity, I was then free to be friends with whomever I wanted, regardless of their sex or gender. Now, this doesn’t mean that I am oblivious to the fact that close company with the opposite sex can and does lead to moral compromise. That said, I don’t “fear” women. I own my sexuality, so it’s up to me how and to what degree I interact with women. Both Polly and I are free to enjoy the company of the opposite (or same) sex, even though, quite frankly, we enjoy one another’s company the most.
Several years ago, I had my beard trimmed. I was starting to look a lot more like Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, than Santa Claus. Prior to this appointment, my hair — when I had any — and beard had always been trimmed by men. This time a woman trimmed my beard. I became casually acquainted with her (and her husband) several years ago as I photographed my grandson’s baseball games. Her son played on my grandson’s team. I had run into her many times since at baseball games, high school games, and school events. I knew that she cut hair, so I asked her if she trimmed beards. I told her my previous barber was quite a hack, and I was looking for someone to care for Santa’s beard. She told me she trimmed beards, so I had her cut mine. She did a wonderful job. I must admit that it felt strange having a woman not named Polly run her fingers through my beard.
As Polly and I were leaving, I told the woman who trimmed my beard, “you are the first woman to ever cut my hair or trim my beard in almost sixty-two years.” I did not tell her that it took divorcing Jesus for me to be comfortable with a woman who is not my wife touching my hair and/or beard. I believe she is religious, so I don’t want to have THAT discussion while she has scissors in her hand.
Did you avoid relationships with the opposite sex due to your religious beliefs? Please share your thoughts in the comment section.
Bruce Gerencser, 67, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 46 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.
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Generally speaking, my denomination didn’t ban women and men from working closely together. But there was still an undercurrent that we women had to be careful and modest.
It’s interesting that the church bans women from leadership roles but they go out of their way to try to recruit women, especially new members who are childless or unmarried into the church so they can use them for free labor in the nursery or doing the hard, tiring work in ministries, teaching sunday school and running food drives while the men sit back and do nothing other than give orders. I watched my unmarried, childless neighbor get lured in and used like this where she now devotes almost all her free time planning sunday school lessons and making crafts using her own money to sell at fairs. Then she gives all the money earned at the fairs to the church. To me this seems like slave labor. I’ve avoided the Baptist church since I turned 18 because I knew their intentions would be to force marriage to a controlling man. No thanks!
Without women, churches would close overnight.
Ah, Bruce, I too carry the baggage of comolementarian teachings and am still unpacking all that nonsense. In the late 80s, our SBC church started offering Biblical Manhood and Biblical Womanhood courses. I have discussed this before. I was 17/18 when I was taught this with 5 other girls, and one of the moms was the teacher. We went to her home every Saturday morning for several weeks while Mrs. B gave us homemade snacks and taught us what Godly Young Women were supposed to be. I distinctly remember sitting in Mrs. B’s living room feeling utterly sick to my stomach while she described how God had designed women and realizing I was “made wrong” because I was an analytical thinkers as God designed men and not an emotional thinkers as God had designed women. Something was seriously wrong with me, and I would have to remain single forever, and I would never be able to be submissive unless I found a man at least as intelligent as Stephen Hawking.
But some of these ideas weren’t limited to fundamentalist evangelicalism. The case of E. Jean Carroll against Trump brought back all I had been taught nit just in evangelicalism but in society about rape/sexual abuse. Detractors of Carroll are saying why is she bringing this up after 30 years and why didn’t she say anything then? I outlined to my husband (not a detractor) everything I had learned from society during my teens and 20s in the 80s and 90s about rape, sexual abuse, and women’s culpability in it. Here’s what I was taught, both explicitly and implicitly:
What you wear matters to provoke an attack – if you’re dressed “too provocatively” you’re culpable
Where you are matters – were you in a dark street or alley, or at a bar, or at a concert, or the list goes on. Attacks can happen if you’re in a place of immorality or in the dark alone.
Who you’re with matters. We’re you alone in the dark? Did you go out with a guy who is a “bad boy”? Were you with a bunch of men with few women present?
How you act matters. Did you flirt or joke or give “the wrong impression”? Were you loud or getting attention or not “lady-like” enough?
What you consume matters. Were you drinking? Were you around people who were drinking? Were any drugs involved?
Your sexual history matters. Have you had sex with a lot of men? Are you “promiscuous”? Do you have a “reputation”? Have you ever gone put with “bad boys”?
If you do decide to report an attack, you better damn well expect that ALL of these questions will be asked and your past will be scrutinized. If anything about your history is “immoral”, well damn, girl, you caused this to happen, what the hell do you expect? Stop whining and move on. Become as pure as The Virgin Mary and maybe your future will be free of attacks….maybe…..
We also learned that this is what men do – they often aren’t capable of reining in their animalistic lists and urges and if given a whiff or glimpse of any of the above THEY WILL ATTACK. IT’S WHAT MEN DO. Girl, you should expect that your body and flirtatious interactions WILL set them off. Men should try to control themselves, but often they can’t, what do you expect?
I am Gen X, and this is what I learned. My Gen Z kids were taught consent and don’t understand the mentality I grew up with AT ALL. It makes them mad, in fact, knowing some of their elders still carry shades of this awful victim-blaming mentality.
Kudos to you, Bruce, for the massive changes. That process can’t have been easy for you.
Luckily, my parents did not push any of this fundamentalist christianity on me. However, I was told in High School by other girls that I was not feminine enough. I wanted to (and did) wear jeans or pants and button up shirts to school but I could not stand skirts partly because of pantyhose and the uncomfortable shoes you had to wear with them.. (I am 63 years old so this sort of thing may have ended). It looks like women are often caught between two pillars. You have to look feminine but not enough to attract males.
Having read your blog for many years I have a great appreciation for Polly. She seems like an amazing woman.
She is ❤️❤️
Have you ever had a commentary that included Polly telling about her experiences of “leaving the flock”? A video of her or the two of you talking about this would be interesting. Especially hearing her side or her experiences as a woman leaving the Baptist church. And wasn’t she also a preacher’s daughter if I am remembering correctly? Which opens up another can of worms to be a woman from a strict religious background, especially of her generation, and to walk away. It would be interesting for her to share what inner thoughts and emotions and realizations she had in the years since walking away because the woman’s experience I think would be even more difficult than the man’s in this situation.
For all of my issues with Catholicism and the Church, I have to say that while growing up (as a boy) my friendships with girls weren’t discouraged.
Later,’when I became an Evangelical Christian, the fear of, and contempt for, women I heard and witness astounded me. Perhaps it had to do with having been sexually abused by a priest (and by a male family friend): I simply couldn’t see how women and girls could be such a threat.
Strangely, while other male members of the church were warned about being around females who weren’t their mothers, wives or daughters, no one seemed upset when I was in their company. Perhaps it was a way of saying, without saying it, that meeting the “right “ one would steer me away from the homosexuality they ascribed to me.
Now, as a woman, I think it’s funny that anyone could see me as a temptress or seductress. If they knew the truth…