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Tag: Mormonism

Rodrigo Duterte May be a Psychopath, But He’s Right About God

Bruce Gerencser 5 Comments

rodrigo duterte

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte is a psychopath. Duterte’s approach to drug abuse and trafficking brought the praise of American sociopath Donald Trump, but most governments rightly condemned him for murdering addicts and traffickers alike. Duterte sees himself as a Filipino version of President Trump. Trump admires thugs, autocrats, and dictators, and I suspect if it weren’t for the U.S. Constitution and the rule of law, the president would likely behave as Duterte does. Imagine how Trump would resolve the immigration problem if he were unencumbered by law and public opinion.

Last Friday, Duterte riled up Catholics and Evangelicals in a televised speech shown on CBS News when he said:

Who is this stupid God? This son of a bitch is then really stupid. How can you rationalize a God? Do you believe?

[Duterte lamented that Adam and Eve’s sin in Christian theology resulted in all the faithful falling from divine grace.] You were not involved but now you’re stained with an original sins [sic] … What kind of a religion is that? That’s what I can’t accept, very stupid proposition.

Perhaps Duterte knows the Christian God better than offended Christians think he does. You know the old adage, it takes one to know one. Duterte, a psychopath, knows a fellow psychopath when he sees HIM.

Filipino Catholic Bishop Arturo Bastes had this to say about Duterte:

Duterte’s tirade against God and the Bible reveals again that he is a psychological freak, a psychopath, an abnormal mind who should have not been elected as president of our civilized and Christian nation.

Ponder, for a moment, what Bishop Bastes is saying here; that people who don’t believe in the existence of the Christian God and don’t buy the notion of original sin have abnormal minds and are uncivilized. Evidently, Bastes has never read anything about the history of his church; especially the days when people were tortured and murdered by the church, and secular powers blessed by the Catholic church pillaged countless villages, raped women and girls, and murdered thousands of people.

Duterte is an interesting psychopath to the degree that he doesn’t see religion as a tool to use for the advancement of his cause. In this regard, Duterte is different from the American Psycho. The president, every bit the atheist that I am, understands how valuable certain Christian sects — namely Evangelicals, conservative Catholics, and Mormons — are to the advancement of his anti-human agenda. Trump knows as long as he pretends he cares about abortion, religious “freedom,” and other hot-button cultural issues, Evangelicals, Catholics, and Mormons will continue to support him. Trump, I’m sure, is paying attention to the outrage over Duterte’s comments. Just say the right things, Donald, the president says to himself, and take care of My Evangelicals®, and they will make me dictator for life! Praise Jesus, right?

Black Collar Crime: Mormon Elder Dr. Gerald Mortimer Accused of Sperm Switcheroo

Bruce Gerencser 3 Comments

gerald mortimer

The Black Collar Crime Series relies on public news stories and publicly available information for its content. If any incorrect information is found, please contact Bruce Gerencser. Nothing in this post should be construed as an accusation of guilt. Those accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty.

A recently filed lawsuit alleges that Dr. Gerald Mortimer, an elder in the Mormon church, used his own sperm to artificially impregnate Kelli Rowlette’s mother. Roweltte was unaware of the switcheroo until her Ancestry.com DNA test revealed that Mortimer was her biological father.

CBS News reports:

Millions have used Ancestry.com to trace the roots of their family tree. But Kelli Rowlette, a woman from Iowa, says it led to a stunning discovery about her biological father.

A 14-page lawsuit filed in Idaho revealed her biological father was allegedly her parent’s fertility doctor.

The suit claims that Dr. Gerald Mortimer, an elder in the Mormon church, helped Rowlett’s parents get pregnant in 1980. He recommended they use a “85 percent mixture of her dad’s [Mr. Fowler] genetic material, and 15 percent of the mixture would be from anonymous donor.” The suit alleges that didn’t happen, and instead Dr. Mortimer used his own sperm.

….

When Ancestry.com test results said Mortimer was her father, Rowlette thought there was an error. But she “discovered her birth certificate had been signed by Dr. Mortimer,” and she was “horrified and contacted her parents in a panic,” according to the suit.

The Idaho Statesman adds:

A doctor in Eastern Idaho is accused of secretly using his own sperm to fertilize a patient in 1980. Almost 40 years later, the baby is a grown woman who says she just learned the truth from a mail-in DNA test.

….

Sally Ashby and Howard Fowler were having trouble conceiving in 1979. They went to Dr. Gerald Mortimer, who ran an OB/GYN practice in Idaho Falls, looking for help.

The problem, Mortimer told them, was that Ashby had a tipped uterus and Fowler’s sperm count and motility were low.

He recommended artificial insemination — using a mix of semen from Fowler and an anonymous donor, chosen by the couple based on whatever characteristics they desired.

They chose a donor who was in college and who looked like Fowler — over 6 feet tall with brown hair and blue eyes.

Mortimer told the couple he had a donor in mind, and he performed the artificial insemination procedure three times a month on Ashby, throughout the summer of 1980.

The couple welcomed a daughter, named Kelli, in May 1981. Mortimer delivered the baby.

Ashby continued to see Mortimer as her OB/GYN for several years. The couple eventually decided to move to Washington — after adding a son to their family without medical assistance.

….

Three decades later, Kelli Rowlette was a grown woman. Like many other Americans curious about their lineage, Rowlette sent in a DNA sample for analysis on Ancestry.com.

She got a notification last July that her DNA sample had a match: a parent-child relationship with Mortimer.

Rowlette had no idea who Mortimer was. She didn’t know the story of how she was conceived. She assumed Ancestry.com was just plain wrong and mentioned to her mother how disappointed she was in the service.

“Mrs. Rowlette gave Ms. Ashby access to the results from Ancestry.com,” the lawsuit says. “When Ms. Ashby was alone, she accessed the account to investigate further. When Ms. Ashby saw Dr. Mortimer’s name, she was devastated.”

Ashby called Fowler, now her ex-husband, and filled him in. Both of them were devastated, and they spent “several months” trying to decide whether to tell their daughter who Mortimer was, the lawsuit says.

The parents “struggled to cope with their own anguish, and had difficulty contemplating the torment the discovery would cause their daughter when and if she found out,” the lawsuit says.

Last fall, the choice was made for them. Rowlette was at her father’s house helping him clean out old papers. She found her birth certificate — and on it, Dr. Mortimer’s signature.

….

Christians Say the Darnedest Things: Rape is the Same as Consensual Gay Sex, Says Mormon Quentin Cook

Bruce Gerencser 2 Comments

quentin cook

It is commendable that nonconsensual immorality [rape, sexual assault] has been exposed and denounced. Such nonconsensual immorality is against the laws of God and of society. Those who understand God’s plan should also oppose consensual immorality [gay sex, fornication, adultery], which is also a sin.

— Mormon Apostle Quentin Cook at the 2018 Mormon General Conference

Black Collar Crime: Former Mormon Missionary Training Center President Joseph Bishop Accused of Rape

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

joseph l bishop

The Black Collar Crime Series relies on public news stories and publicly available information for its content. If any incorrect information is found, please contact Bruce Gerencser. Nothing in this post should be construed as an accusation of guilt. Those accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty.

Joseph Bishop, a former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Missionary Training School stands accused of attempted rape. Bishop cannot be prosecuted due to the expiration of the statute of limitations. A 1980 interview of the former dean of women at Weber State College — where Bishop was president — suggests that Bishop was lacking in moral character.

The Salt Lake Tribune reports:

A former president of the LDS Missionary Training Center has admitted that he took a young woman into a small room at the Provo campus in 1984 and asked to see her breasts, according to a report released Wednesday by Brigham Young University police.

The release comes three days after MormonLeaks published an explosive, taped conversation between the woman and Joseph L. Bishop, whom she accuses of attempting to rape her.

Bishop, now 85, said during their December conversation that he didn’t remember taking her into the room, let alone sexually assaulting her. But he repeatedly apologized, describing himself as a predator and saying he had confessed to other sexual misconduct — disclosures that have ignited outrage online and questions about whether the Mormon church failed to protect women.

Bishop was the president of Weber State College (now University) in the 1970s, a Mormon mission president in Argentina from 1979 to 1982 and president of the missionary compound until 1986, supervising thousands of young male and female missionaries for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

In November, the woman told BYU police she wanted to report being sexually assaulted at the center in 1984. Before she spoke in detail with officers, however, she visited Bishop in Arizona, posing as a writer who was interviewing former mission presidents.

During their nearly three-hour conversation on Dec. 2, which she secretly recorded, the Colorado woman urged him to admit what he did to her and others. The woman reminded him that during their time at the MTC, Bishop flattered her, took her out of class and told her she was special. He shared intimate aspects of his own marriage, including his sex life, she said, describing specific details.

….

He claimed not to remember the assault she alleged, but three days later, he told BYU officers that he recalled going into his small preparation room with her. “Then while talking to her he asked her to show him her breasts,” the report said, “which she did.”

The woman told officers that Bishop attempted to kiss her in the room and she resisted. She said he ripped her blouse and skirt, pulled down other clothing and raped her, according to the report. She said she then pushed him off and left the room.

….

Deputy Utah County Attorney David Sturgill said he could not pursue charges against Bishop because the statute of limitations had expired. In 1984, he said, the legal deadline for filing a rape charge was four years.“ I have no reason to doubt the victim’s disclosure, and would have likely prosecuted Mr. Bishop,” Sturgill wrote in the report, “but for the expiration of the statute of limitations.”

The woman leveling this allegation against Bishop released the following statement:

I’m the woman in the recording with Joseph L. Bishop. My identity will be revealed when I file the lawsuit.

First, although MormonLeaks did release my recording prior to my consent, Mr. McKnight and Mr. Dodge support my cause. It is my belief that they were concerned about ALL of the victims that may become forgotten if my story was silenced by a settlement and non-disclosure agreement. I cannot fault them for that. Having this story leaked has actually helped me. I was struggling with the settlement. Part of me wanted to take it and part of me didn’t. They made it easy for me. I didn’t have to choose. Some have stated that I am heroic and brave. I am neither of those things. I interviewed my rapist because I was pissed off. The church told me I wasn’t entitled to know what action, if any, had been taken in my reporting his raping me to several church leaders for 30 years. I was fed up. It was neither brave nor heroic.

Part of me wanted this to go away quietly and a bigger part of me wanted to scream from the top of the mountain what he did to me. Now I get to scream!

Even if the leak of the recording was prior to my consent, I do not agree that these men are re-victimizing me. I don’t think they would have released the recording without giving it serious thought and weighing the consequences heavily.

I look forward to sharing more of the story in the coming weeks.

You can listen to the woman’s audio recording of her interview of Bishop here.

Black Collar Crime: Mormon Sunday School Teacher Noel Anderson Admits Sexually Assaulting Children

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

noel anderson

The Black Collar Crime Series relies on public news stories and publicly available information for its content. If any incorrect information is found, please contact Bruce Gerencser. Nothing in this post should be construed as an accusation of guilt. Those accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty.

Noel Anderson, a Sunday school teacher at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints in McKinney, Texas, was arrested on aggravated sexual assault charges after he admitted to sexually assaulting four children.

NBC-5 reports:

McKinney Police have arrested a 22-year-old who is now facing Aggravated Sexual Assault of a Child charges.

Investigators say Noel Anderson admitted to sexually assaulting four children between the ages of two and six over the past seven years.

Police said Anderson is a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints located at 1020 North Lake Forest Drive in McKinney.

Investigators said Anderson found his victims through church activities and meetings and that he also held church responsibilities, such as being the primary instructor for children ages 7 and 8 back in 2014.

Officers are now asking for the public’s assistance in identifying and additional victims that may have come in contact with Anderson. If you believe inappropriate contact was made, contact McKinney Police Detective U. Watson at 972-547-2729.

….

CBS-DFW adds:

There is a new charge facing a former McKinney Sunday school teacher accused of abusing the children of families he befriended at the church. Noel Anderson, 22, was arrested last week and charged with aggravated sexual assault of a child. Police have since added a second charge of indecency with a child sexual contact. According to investigators, Anderson has admitted to the abuse. Church members say the sense of betrayal is deep.

“He was an outstanding youth in our church,” says a concerned parent with knowledge of the case, “the gold standard for what you would want your son to grow up to be.”

In spite of the fact that Anderson has allegedly admitted his guilt, this parent says families fear speaking publicly about the case and we agreed to not disclose the church member’s identity. An earlier report that cautioned about the lifelong consequences of failing to treat childhood trauma prompted the parent to speak up.

“Sexual abuse is like throwing a grenade in the middle of somebody’s psychological life,” says Sylvia Gearing, Ph.D., a Plano clinical psychologist. “It stops their development.” Early treatment, she say is key. But, first, additional victims have to be identified and encouraged to come forward.

“I have lost all trust and hope,” says the church member, “just bewildered. Shocked.”

According to McKinney police, a young child made the initial outcry. A parent with knowledge of the case told us that the child saw a picture of Anderson and said “I don’t like him.” We’re told a parent had the courage to ask why, and what followed were heartbreaking words.

“She indicated that Noel had touched her in her privates,” relayed the church member.

That child’s courage has no doubt saved others. Still, families are wrestling with the pain and betrayal… telling me, they not only knew and loved Noel Anderson, they trusted him and his spiritual leadership.

“A complete lie. These abuses took place before and after his mission,” added the church member, referring to police reports that Anderson had been abusing children for years.

Black Collar Crime: Mormon Frank Selas III Sentenced to Five Years in Prison for Sexually Abusing Children

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

frank selas mr wonder III

The Black Collar Crime Series relies on public news stories and publicly available information for its content. If any incorrect information is found, please contact Bruce Gerencser. Nothing in this post should be construed as an accusation of guilt. Those accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty.

Frank Selas III, a Mormon and former children’s TV show host, was sentenced to five years in prison for sexually abusing children while on a camping trip.

The Star Tribune reports:

A man once known as “Mr. Wonder” to viewers of his children’s television show was sentenced Thursday to five years in prison, nearly four decades after he vanished amid allegations he sexually abused children on a camping trip.

Frank John Selas III, 78, pleaded guilty to one count of indecent behavior with a child before a judge in Alexandria sentenced him, Assistant District Attorney Brian Mosley said in a statement.

With credit for time served since his January 2016 arrest in California, Selas could be eligible for parole as soon as July, his attorney said.

Selas had faced the possibility of life in prison if convicted of two counts of aggravated rape, three counts of sexual battery and eight counts of indecent behavior with a juvenile. All of those charges related to one child who had been on the 1979 camping trip, according to defense attorney J. Michael Small.

Small said the plea deal was a “no-brainer” for Selas, given the potential consequences if he went to trial on Feb. 5.

Mosley said authorities consulted the victim before determining that a plea deal was in the “best interest” of the man and his family, due to the “sensitive nature of this case.” Resolving the case this way also spared them a grueling trial that would have been covered by “countless media outlets,” the prosecutor added.

….

In the late 1970s, Selas hosted the “Mr. Wonder” show on KNOE-TV in north Louisiana. He allegedly fled to Brazil in 1979 after parents complained to authorities that he abused their children during a retreat in central Louisiana. By 1985, he had settled in the San Diego area, where he legally changed his name to Frank Szeles. Selas initially claimed that authorities had arrested the wrong person, but a San Diego judge ruled he was the fugitive who had been wanted in Louisiana since 1979.

Selas briefly worked as a news anchor at Monroe-based KNOE-TV, but it was his children’s show that turned him into a local celebrity. It started as a weekly program but went daily as its popularity grew. Often wearing a top hat and tuxedo coat, Selas presided over contests between teams of children bused to the station from local schools.

In San Diego, the man known to neighbors as Frank Szeles was a Cub Scouts leader who advertised swim lessons and other activities for young children from his suburban home in Bonita. Federal marshals found a Cub Scouts cap in his house when they arrested him

The Boy Scouts of America has said Selas was removed from his position several years before his arrest for failing to comply with the organization’s “youth protection policies and procedures,” after a parent made an unspecified complaint that didn’t relate to scouting. Selas also belonged to a Mormon congregation in San Diego, but the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has said it removed him from “all positions related to children” for failing to comply with the church’s child protection policies.

….

Black Collar Crime: Six Mormon Families Sue LDS Church Over Sexual Abuse Cover Up

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

civil lawsuit

The Black Collar Crime Series relies on public news stories and publicly available information for its content. If any incorrect information is found, please contact Bruce Gerencser. Nothing in this post should be construed as an accusation of guilt. Those accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty.

Six Virginia Mormon families have filed a civil lawsuit against the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS), alleging the church knew “one of their members was abusing children and actively covered up the abuse that continued for years.”

KUTV reports:

A group of families are suing the LDS church, alleging it covered up child sex abuse by another member in West Virginia.

A total of six families with nine children filed the lawsuit against The Corporation of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints according to court documents — available at the end of the story.

The families allege LDS leaders knew one of their members was abusing children and actively covered up the abuse that continued for years. The case is scheduled to go to trial in January.

“My church family preached to me about forgiveness — that I needed to forgive him,” Helen said. “How do you forgive something like that?”

The abuse allegedly took place over the course of two months in 2008.

According to documents, in January 2012 the children told their parents what Jensen had done to them five years before.

She didn’t contact law enforcement immediately when she discovered the abuse.

“That is something that does eat at me. It is something that I wish that if I could go back and change, I would have done it differently,” Helen said. “I felt if i couldn’t even get these people that are supposed to have my family’s best interest, why would a jury believe what happened?”

In 2012, the abuser, Michael Jensen, was indicted for abusing other children and she contacted law enforcement. She said one of her sons testified at the trial but the court proceedings were not about his abuse.

According to court documents, Jensen was on trial for abusing two children in 2007. The papers say the boys, 3 and 4-years-old at the time, were forced to perform oral sex on Jensen while he was their babysitter. In 2013 Jensen was sentenced for up to 75 years in prison after he was convicted beyond a reasonable doubt for abusing the two boys.

The appellants’ brief states:

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day (sic) Saints knew that it had a sex offender in its midst as early as December 2004-January 2005, when Michael Jensen was charged in Provo, Utah, with felony sexual abuse of two girls and pled guilty to two sex offenses in the presence of his parents (who became Church leaders) and a Church bishop in Provo.

Is says that instead of warning others about Jensen, even as his predations began to mount, local church leaders “covered up, minimized and denied” his abuse and “dangerous proclivities; sponsored false explanations when evidence of abuse surfaced; touted him as a trustworthy and exceptional member of the Church community.”

Attorneys in the civil case contend local church leaders discussed the allegations of Jensen’s abuse as early as 2007 and no one reported them to law enforcement. The layers also claim LDS church leaders in Utah knew Jensen was convicted of other sex crimes in Utah in 2004.

….

The legal papers state that between April 2007 and August 2012, after moving from Provo, Jensen sexually abused nine children.

Helen said she doesn’t want to forgive, she wants justice.

“And this is the only way I know how to do it,” she said. “The only way for [my son’s] voice to be heard and my voice to be heard and to force them to change their policies so that this doesn’t happen again.”

….

Black Collar Crime: Mormon Counselor Jeffrey Graton Accused of Sex Crimes

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

jeffrey graton

The Black Collar Crime Series relies on public news stories and publicly available information for its content. If any incorrect information is found, please contact Bruce Gerencser. Nothing in this post should be construed as an accusation of guilt. Those accused of crimes are innocent until proven guilty.

Jeffrey Graton, a counselor affiliated with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, was arrested Monday on sexual abuse allegations.

The Daily Herald reports:

A second counselor in a bishopric in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was arrested Monday after reportedly sexually abusing a girl multiple times.

Jeffrey Graton, 40, of American Fork, was arrested on suspicion of three counts of forcible sexual abuse, a second-degree felony.

Police responded Sunday to a call at the 300th block of 620 South in American Fork Sunday night on a welfare check after an LDS bishop called to have police check on Graton, a second counselor in an LDS bishopric.

Graton reportedly had left his home with a gun and wasn’t answering his phone after it was reported he had inappropriately touched a girl several years ago, according to a police report. Graton was found and gave the rifle to an LDS leader.

The abuse reportedly happened 10 times.

Graton reportedly told police he had touched the girl’s chest and thighs, both under and over clothing, while giving her a massage in two occasions two and a half years ago. He also admitted to grabbing the girl’s hand and using it to touch his genitals.

Songs of Sacrilege: Spooky Mormon Hell Dream from The Book of Mormon

Bruce Gerencser 1 Comment

book of mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-seventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Mormon Spooky Hell Dream from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

[ELDER PRICE]
Long ago, when I was five
I snuck in the kitchen late at night
And ate a donut with a maple glaze

My father asked who ate the snack
I said that it was my brother Jack
And Jack got grounded for fourteen days

I’ve lived with that guilt
All of my life
And the terrible vision
That I had that night

(spoken)
No! Please, I don’t wanna go back!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth whenceforth ye fell
The path of fire leads thee to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

Welcome back to
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are having
A Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now

[ELDER PRICE]
And now I’ve gone and done it again!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Rectus!

[ELDER PRICE]
I’ve committed another awful sin!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Dominus!

[ELDER PRICE]
I left my mission companion
All alone

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spookytus!

[ELDER PRICE]
Oh God, how could I have done this to you?

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Deus!

[ELDER PRICE]
How could I break rule seventy-two?

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Creepyus!

[ELDER PRICE]
And now my soul hath just been thrown
Back into Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down to Satan’s realm!
See where you belong!
There is nothing you can do!
No escape from
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

[JESUS, spoken]
You blamed your brother for eating the donut, and now you walk out on your mission companion? You’re a DICK!

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Jesus, I’m sorry!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Jesus hates you, this we know!
For Jesus just told you so!

[SKELETON 1]
You remember Lucifer!

SKELETON 2]
He is even spookier!

[SATAN]
Minions of Hades
Have you heard the news?
Kevin was caught playing hooky!
Now he’s back
With all you Cath’lics and Jews
It’s super spooky-wooky!

[ELDER PRICE]
I’m sorry, Lord, it was selfish of me
To break the rules, please I
Don’t wanna be in this
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream!
Genghis Khan
Jeffrey Dahmer
Hitler
Johnnie Cochran!
The spirits all surround you
Spooky spooky spooky!

[ADOLPH HITLER]
I started a war, and killed millions of Jews!

[GENGHIS KHAN]
I slaughtered the Chinese!

[JEFFREY DAHMER]
I stabbed a guy and fucked his corpse!

[JOHNNIE COCHRAN]
I got O.J. freed!

[ELDER PRICE]
You think that’s bad?
I broke rule seventy-two!

[HITLER, KHAN, DAHMER, COCHRAN:]
Oh?

[ELDER PRICE]
I left my companion!
I’m way worse than you!
I hate this Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[GENGHIS KHAN]
Ah…..

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Please, Heavenly Father! Give me one more chance! I won’t break the rules again!

(sung)
I can’t believe Jesus called me a dick!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Welcome, welcome
To Spooky Mormon Hell Dream
You are never waking up
From Spooky Mormon Hell Dream

[ELDER PRICE, spoken]
Oh, please help me Father! Please let me wake up!
Give me one more chance! I won’t let you down again!

[MINIONS OF HELL]
Down, down thy soul is cast
From the Earth henceforth ye fell
This must be it, you must be there
You must be in
Spooky Mormon Hell Dream now

Songs of Sacrilege: Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon

Bruce Gerencser 0 Comments

book of mormon

This is the one hundred and forty-sixth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Baptize Me from The Book of Mormon.

Video Link

Lyrics

ELDER MCKINLEY:

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Well, then, would you like to baptize me?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Pbbbt, sure, yea, that’d be great

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, let’s do it

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
What you mean…now?

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Why not?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, to be honest, I’ve never done it before

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
That’s okay, neither have I

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Yes, that’s true

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Do you know…how to baptize someone into the church?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Sure, that’s something that we study over and over again at Mission Control Center

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Then please, Elder Cunningham, I want to be baptized. I swear to dedicate my life to the church

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Huh, okay, I just need a second to get ready

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Okay, I will get ready, too

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m about to do it for the first time
And I’m gonna do it with a girl!
A special girl
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Makes my eyes kind of blur
I can’t believe I’m about
To baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
He will baptize me
He will hold me in his arms
And he will baptize me
Right in front of everyone
And it will set me free
When he looks into my eyes
And he sees just how much
I love being baptized

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
Bathe her in God’s glory!
And I will baptize her

[NABULUNGI]
I’m ready

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
With everything I got
And I’ll make her beg for more

[NABULUNGI]
Oooh

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
As I wash her free of sin
And it’ll be so good
She’ll want me to

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM and NABULUNGI]
Baptize her/me again

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Excuse me, I’m gonna need another minute!

[NABULUNGI]
Never known a boy so gentle
One like him is hard to find
A special kind
Who makes my heart kind of flutter
Like a moth in a cocoon
I hope he gets to baptizing me soon!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m gonna baptize you
I’m through with all my stalling

[NABULUNGI]
You’re gonna baptize me
I’m ready to let you do it

[BOTH]
And it will set us free
It’s time to be immersed
And I’m so happy you’re
About to be my first

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Okay, you ready?

[NABULUNGI, spoken]
I am ready. So… how do we do it?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Well, I hold you like this –

[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
And I lower you down –

[NABULUNGI]
– Yeah?

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM:]
And then I –

(Splash)

I just baptized her!
She got doused by Heavenly Father!
I just baptized her good!

[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I performed like a champ!

[NABULUNGI]
I’m wet with salvation!

[BOTH]
We just went all the way!
Praise be to God
I’ll never forget this day

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I baptized you!

[NABULUNGI]
You baptized me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I gotcha good!

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
You want it more, baby?

[NABULUNGI]
Baptize me!

(spoken)
I’ll text you later

Bruce Gerencser