Come on, what’s a little gallows humor in the midst of a dark, trying, and at times overwhelming, season of life. Sometimes, laughing in the face of suffering is all any of us can do. I know that’s the case for me, anyway. Not that I sit around laughing as I writhe in pain. No, in those moments I want to swallow a handful of pills and drift into sweet, peaceful nothingness. I want to think better days lie ahead for me, but my gut and seven decades of life suggest otherwise. I could be wrong, as I oft have been over these many years, but, at the very least, I’m on the short end of life. Instead of grand plans for the future, managing health struggles consume my daily life, often demanding I live by the hour instead the day.
I won’t give you a long recitation on the current status of my health. Doctors remain perplexed, and while scans and blood tests reveal oddities here and there, nothing that screams: Eureka! We found the problem. You are still going to die, but at least you will know what killed you.
I see a new endocrinologist next month. One doctor wonders if some of my symptoms might hormone related. More tests, looking for the proverbial needle in a pile of almost identical needles. I find myself thinking, “Can’t I be on the winning side of the odds just once before I die?” 🤣 A raspy, heavy voice from the dark laughed and said, “Surely, you jest. God is punishing you for saying God Dammit in 2005.” Well, God Dammit, Jesus, must you be so petty? It’s not like I ate a forbidden apple, picked up sticks on the Sabbath, or masturbated. Now, those are some “sins” that require severe punishment, right?
Long term readers know my medical history, so I won’t recite it here. Everything remains the same on that front, albeit somewhat worse depending on the day. What is of more immediate concern is my profuse sweating (especially at night), unregulated feeling of hot/cold, and precipitous drops in blood glucose levels for no apparent reason. As you might imagine, these problems are far from ideal, 🤣 so that’s why I’m seeing another endocrinologist.
Fatigue, chronic insomnia, and increasing immobility all make getting out of bed in the morning difficult, and some days impossible. Pleas from my life partner, “Bruce,You have got to get up,” followed by some sort of bribe hoped to draw me from my bed, no longer work. I know I’m at a bad place, but that’s where the car broke down with a blown motor, so here I remain. I try. What more can I do?
In February, I was diagnosed with melanoma skin cancer on my neck. The cancer appeared suddenly and quickly grew. It was successfully removed. I have a nasty scar to prove it.
Last month, I was diagnosed with basal cell cancer on my left hand and squamous cell cancer on the right side of my neck. I had both growths surgically removed. I also had a large cyst on my back removed at the same time.
Well, enough of this. I’m not whining or complaining. Just talking to my friends; letting them know that I’m down, but not out. I haven’t quit blogging, and I still hope to write again. Maybe even today or tomorrow. Until then, I appreciate your love, kindness, and support.
If you have written or texted me and I have not responded, please accept my apology for my negligence. I’ve had several people get irate with me because I haven’t responded to them. Sorry about that, but I’ve been forced to cut a lot of things out of my life, and that includes responding to emails, texts, social media messages, and voice mails. I hope to do better in the future, but I can’t make any promises. It’s interesting to note what’s not so important when death is stalking you. Life is quickly reduced to bare essentials; people and things that matter to you.I have thought about farming out contact form responses to someone who has read my writing for a long time and has an in depth knowledge of my political, social, and theological views. Someone answering for me would be speaking on my behalf, so it’s important they understand my beliefs. If this is something that might interest you, please let me know and I’ll put you in touch with Carolyn, my editor. As my longtime editor and friend, she knows what I need on this front.
I appreciate your understanding.
You continue to be an inspiration Bruce. Sending love x
Yes, to what Ben said! You continue to be an inspiration! Also sending love
I’m sorry Bruce. Even if you were complaining, you are allowed. Giving voice to reality probably helps part of our body/brain to let go and relax even just a little bit. I reached my 70th year this spring. Everything looks so different now. I look back and wonder, was I ever well? I remember being in my 20’s and 30’s and feeling 80 and wondering if I felt like that now/then, what would 80 really look/feel like? I’m getting a fairly good idea of that now. Thanks for letting us know you are down but not out. <3
I echo Ben’s comment. You have been an enormous inspiration to many of us. And no doubt, you were even an enormous inspiration to people in your IFB days. You are that kind of person. It’s always good to hear from you, but first and foremost, please be good to yourself during this trying time.
Bruce,
Thank you for the update, perhaps this message will buoy your spirits just a bit:
Your site has been an inspiration and learning experience for me. I am rather an underwhelming student of the bible and the Christian / Evangelical church. You have taught me much. I consider you and Bart Ehrman as two of my principal sources of information regarding Evangelical Christianity. Bart for a more academic perspective and you for a more “boots on the ground, how it really is perspective”.
I thank you for that, many of us are conflicted about this life and our journey through it, and how we are influenced by the society we live in and the many messages / signals directed at us.
Long ago, as in the third grade, when my parents bought a time life series of books that I devoured and re-read constantly, I began questioning the Christian religion and Humanities origins, and my/our existence on this planet.
Thank you for helping me, and so many others, better understand the complexities of this journey.
That’s a lot to deal with, but I’m glad you’re still with us. I don’t comment much anymore, but I keep your blog on my feed and I’m always glad to see a new post.
I must admit Bruce that you are one of my early thoughts as I drink my tea on a morning, browsing through my favourite sites for updates, and always worrying when I don’t see you for a few days. Life is what it is old friend, and you are an inspiration in the way you take it head on and don’t sugarcoat it. I’ve got some health scares lurking, inevitable at age 73, but now I just shrug and get on with it. So let me just say best wishes to you and to Polly.
Bruce, I’m glad that you let us know how you are. Hugs to you and Polly, and best of luck to you both as well.
Yes, Bruce, I’m exactly like GeoffT, it’s a good morning for me when I take my first mug of coffee of the day to bed and open my laptop to see there is a new post from you. I appreciate your writings and insights so much. With all good wishes to you both.
i’m sorry to hear that you are not doing so well, and i wish for…
a speedy and painless demise for which everyone can be prepared.
because not existing, in the long run, is far better than getting sicker and sicker, while running out the clock over which someone else has control.
i know that’s not what everyone else hopes for you, but, if you’re anything like me, you’re tired of doctors guessing what is wrong with you, and confidently treating you for the wrong things.
in my case, i should have died a long time ago, and, at this point, i am getting a DNR ready, so that, the next time, i WILL die. with dignity. on MY terms!
Bruce I’m very sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. I hope things improve and you have my best wishes as always. As I have said before, you are an inspiration to many folks including myself. While you may not be super rich in money, you are most definitely rich in friends!
Oh, Bruce, wouldn’t it be nice to be healthy? Heck, I think I could take being just a little healthy…too much and I’d probably die doing too much!
You don’t give up, and we, your readers (or cult, depending on who is asking) are glad to hear anything from you. We understand.
Still have a reader here Bruce! The circumstance seems bleak. Don’t leave us just yet.
Bruce, you are an inspiration to many of us who have never met you in person but consider you a friend. I don’t know what to say other than I appreciate you and hate that your health is bringing you down. That really sucks.
Voltaires nurse said she would not watch another unbeliever die for all the gold in Europe!
Atheist David Hume screamed “I AM IN FLAMES!!!🔥 “. And tore his bedsheet!
Bruce and everyone here,
I strongly encourage you to do whatever it takes to stay alive in this world as long as you can…..
Liar, liar, pants👖 on fire 🔥.
David Hume:
The claim that the Scottish philosopher David Hume screamed “I am in flames” on his deathbed is a false rumor with no historical evidence.
Contemporary witnesses who spent his final days with him recorded that he died peacefully.
Historical Accounts of Hume’s Death
Adam Smith, a close friend, wrote that Hume faced his passing with a “cool and placid” disposition and cheerful calmness.
James Boswell visited Hume shortly before he died and noted that the philosopher maintained his cheerful outlook and did not express fear of an afterlife.
The “flames” story and similar deathbed recantation tales were invented or propagated later by religious writers attempting to show that skeptics panicked when facing judgment.
In other words,,Evangelical apologists lied, and you continue this time dishonored fibbing today.
Speaking of Voltaire:
He soon became ill again and died on 30 May 1778. The accounts of his deathbed have been numerous and varying, and it has not been possible to establish the details of what precisely occurred. His enemies related that he repented and accepted the last rites from a Catholic priest, or that he died in agony of body and soul, while his adherents told of his defiance to his last breath. According to one story of his last words, when the priest urged him to renounce Satan, he replied, “This is no time to make new enemies.”
Because of his well-known criticism of the Church, which he had refused to retract before his death, Voltaire was denied a Christian burial in Paris, but friends and relations managed to bury his body secretly at the Abbey of Scellières in Champagne, where Marie Louise’s brother was abbé. His heart and brain were embalmed separately.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voltaire
Just another day interacting with an alleged Christian who can’t tell the truth. What’s next? Christopher Hitchens got saved before he died of cancer?
Why do you find it so hard to tell the truth and be a decent human being?
Do you honestly think you are headed to Heaven after you die? What Biblical basis do you have for such a spurious claim? You’ve been shitting all over me and other unbelievers for years on this site. Do you really think God on judgement day is going to ignore your vile, nasty, vulgar behavior—all things expressly condemned by the Bible you allegedly believe and practice? (This is called an internal critique — look it up. I’m an atheist, so you will not be held accountable for your behavior by a God. You will die, thinking God is going to “bless” you for being an asshole, when all you’ll face darkness. What a miserable, empty life, Revival 🍆🍆 Fires.
You can do better, friend. Try harder and I’ll put a good word in for you with God. 😈😈👹👹😜😜My God, that is. 😜😜
Yes I am. Because of the grace and mercy of Jesus Christ through his death and resurrection and being born again through the Holy Spirit.
What boggles my mind is how on earth does a man who was once a preacher of the gospel get sucked into one of Satan’s most demonic devices on this cesspool of a planet! Atheism.
Sad very sad. 😢
As Charles Spurgeon put it
“Atheism is a funny thing not even the devils fell into that device”
You said, “being born again through the Holy Spirit.”
Please square that claim with Galatians 5:22,23:
the fruit [singular] of the Spirit is [present tense] love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
I have not seen you demonstrate any of these things in your life, yet you claim to be a Christian. what gives, buddy? Is God’s Word true? If it is, what does this passage say about your behavior on this site and elsewhere on the Internet?
Sending love and best wishes to you and Polly, Bruce.
Bruce, I wish the best for you, Polly and your kids!