Songs of Sacrilege: The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates

This is the eleventh installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is The Loophole by Garfunkel and Oates. Garfunkel and Oates is an American comedy–folk duo from Los Angeles, California, consisting of actress–songwriters Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci. Warning! This song contains sexually explicit lyrics.

Lest anyone doubt the premise of this song, I know Christians who once believed anal and oral sex was not sinful. This is the natural conclusion of trying to develop a sexual ethic with a literal/fundamentalist interpretation of the Bible.


Video Link


All my life I’ve been good
Do what my mom and dad and God say I should
Go to church and Bible School
To live by God’s rule

So whatever people tell me
That The Bible tells me
I will do

Walk the halls of high school with my purity ring
Unlike those other girls, I’ve got my morals in check
It was easy to do until I got a boyfriend
And pardon my French, but he’s cute as heck

But I made a pact
To keep my hymen intact
And Jesus and I are tight

Never learned about the birds and the bees
I was taught to keep an aspirin in between my knees
Cause The Bible says premarital sex is wrong
But Jason says that guys can’t wait that long

I don’t want to lose him
To someone who’ll do him
I need to figure something out

Well there’s a loophole in The Scripture that works really well
So I can get him off without going to hell
It’s my Hail Mary, full of grace
In Jesus’ name we go to fifth base!

Oh, thank you for making me holy
And thank you for giving me holes to choose from
And since I’m not a godless whore
He’ll have to come in the back door

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a throbbing rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

It’s hard to be as pure as me
To resist the urge to lose my vaginal virginity
To wait until my marriage bed
To give my husband my unsullied maiden head

So take your cock out
Shove it in my ass
Fuck me until you come

Oops! I mean let’s join our souls
And unite our bodies
And fly with the wings of God

Whatever you do, don’t touch my clitoris
If you ring Satan’s doorbell, God can’t ignore this
And no prophylactics when you put it in
Cause birth control’s for sluts and it’s a sin

I’ve emptied my bowels
And laid out the towels
I’m ready for romance

Now I’m praying to the Power that’s the Highest
But of all of my holes, this ones the driest
And we can’t procreate if we anally copulate
And God is OK with sodomy, but only if you’re straight

And I’m staying pure, no matter what
So I’m OK with everything butt
Everything butt
Everything butt

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of a rock hard rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

I do whatever The Bible tells me to
Except for the parts that I choose to ignore
Because they’re unrealistic and inconvenient
But the rest I live by for sure

So let’s not talk about how the Good Book bans shellfish, polyester and divorce
And how it condones slavery and killing gays because those parts don’t count, of course
Let’s cherry-pick the part about losing my cherry and mine it for ambiguities and omissions
To circumvent any real sacrifice, but still feel pious in my arbitrary parroted positions

And don’t you dare question my convictions
And don’t look closely at the contradictions
Just focus on the sacrificial crucifixion
And have faith in its complete jurisdiction

As the only way to measure if you’re good or not
And in a debate, just say to “have faith”
Because when you’re up against logic, it’s the only card you’ve got

So close your eyes
Take a deep breath

Fuck me in the ass cause I love Jesus
The good Lord would want it that way
Gimme that sweet sensation of an irrational rationalization
It’s just between you and me
Cause everyone knows it’s the sex that God can’t see

Yeah, my chastity belt has locks
But sometimes you need to think outside the box


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Series Navigation<< Songs of Sacrilege: Christian Woman by Type O NegativeSongs of Sacrilege: Thank You God by Tim Minchin >>


  1. Drew Costen

    I love Garfunkel and Oates. I was sad that they didn’t get a second season of their TV show.

  2. Tim

    OK Bruce, I don’t think I can top that one. As an unrepentant metalhead, some Songs of Sacrilege I can think of are:
    Spreading the Disease and Suite Sister Mary by Queensrhyche (the entire Mindcrime album is pretty anti-religion, actually).

    Dio All the Fools Sailed Away is allegory on religion and the belief in the rapture I believe.

    Rebellion is a metal band that pretty clearly sides with the pagans when they recount Viking history, in particular Blood Rains:

    I am not a big Slayer fan, but almost anything off their album God Hates Us All would qualify:

    Five Finger Death Punch’s Salvation is probably the closest to what you are looking for.

    Iced Earth’s Horror Show album did songs on classic horror stories. Dracula and Damien would both qualify. I confess, even years after leaving my faith, I STILL fast forward past the spoken portion of Damien because it freaks me out a little to listen to the outright blaspheming.

    Those are the ones that come to mind. I really want to share this Garfunkel and Oates video with my wife. I also appreciate peace in my household, so I am going to refrain.


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