This is the third installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please leave the name the song in the comment section or send me an email.
Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Jesus Loves Me (But He Can’t Stand You) by The Austin Lounge Lizards from Austin, Texas. (HT: Camels with Hammers)
I know you smoke, I know you drink that brew
I just can’t abide a sinner like you
You know, God can’t either, that’s why I know it to be true
That Jesus loves me, but he can’t stand you
I’m goin’ straight to heaven, boys, when I die
‘Cause I’ve crossed every T and I’ve dotted every I
Why, my preacher tells me that I’m God’s kind of guy
That’s why Jesus loves me…..but you’re gonna fry
God loves all His children, by gum
That don’t mean He won’t incinerate some
Can’t you feel those hot flames lickin’ you?
I’m raisin’ my kids in a righteous way
So don’t you be bringin’ your kids over to my house to play
Why, yours will grow up stoned, left-leaning, and gay
I know – Jesus told me on the phone today
Jesus loves me, this I know
And he told me where you’re gonna go
There’s lots of room for your kind – down below
Jesus loves me, he loves me real good
I know he does because he called me up on the phone today and told me how much he loves me
He said, “Son, I loooooove you”
He speaks English pretty well, considering it’s a second language for him
You can talk to him too, you know, I’ve got a 900-number in Tulsa that you can call him at – I do it all the time
He’ll be glad to hear from you, I talk to him every day
Jesus loves me, but he can’t stand you!
This is one I heard years ago, with a few of the verses, based on “Give me that Old Time Religion.”
Chorus: Oh gimme that ol’ time religion, Gimme that Ol’ time religion, Gimme that Ol’ time religion, It’s good enough for me.
Oh, we’ll worship like the Druids, Drinking strange fermented fluids, And run naked through the woods; It’s good enough for me.
Let us worship Aphrodite. Even though she’s kinda flighty. But we love that see-thru nightie. It’s good enough for me!
Let us go and worship Sappho, With her lady on her lap, oh. She put Lesbos on the map, oh, That’s good enough for me.
Let us all go worship Isis, She’s real good in a crisis. And she’s never raised her prices. That’s good enough for me.
Worship Thor, and his hammer, Thor, He has a mighty hammer, And He’ll hit you quite a slammer. That’s good enough for me.
Let us worship Quetzalcoatl, For the gift of Chocolotl, Whether cold or piping hotl. It’s good enough for me.
We will go worship Hermes, Yes, we’ll drink a toast to Hermes, He will cure us of our germies . That’s good enough for me.