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Songs of Sacrilege: High in Church by Trevor Moore

This is the seventy-fourth installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is High in Church by Trevor Moore.

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I’m high in church
I’m high in church
Oh Lord forgive me
This is the worst

I’m high in church
I’m high in church
Oh God please help me

This is the worst

Went home for Christmas
And Brian came over, I was nervous
Cuz he brought a bag of shrooms and pot
And I’m new to this, I’m just learnin’
Got a little too high on accident
Yeah that’s right, not on purpose
Then mom busted in my room
And said we have to go to midnight service
We’re in the minivan
And my friends don’t understand
I’m freaking out here man
Trying to remember who I am
My mom is talking to me
And that’s just making it worse

We walk into the lobby
Oh shit, I’m high in church

I’m high in church

I’m high in church
Oh God please help me
This is the worst

I’m high in church
I’m high in church
I’m high as hell
This is the worst

Went to go grab a pew
I’m freaking out, don’t know what to do
There’s an old war vet snoring next to me
And I think he’s been here since World War 2
I’m peaking here
I’m wigging out
They know I’m stoned
There is no doubt
Brian is reading the Bible and laughing
I plead for him to cut it out
But he’s giggling loud, he starts to cry
He’s turning red, I don’t know why
He’s like a goddamn neon billboard saying “Hey y’all, we’re super high”
I ask him what his problem is
And what’s making him laugh
He points to a verse that says
The Lord opened up the mouth of an ass
Oh my God, that’s super gross!
Why the hell is that in there?
My mom shushes both of us
And people turn around and stare
I take the book from Brian
The choir begins to sing
It dawns on me that I’ve never actually read this thing
I opened up the pages, and then start flipping through
I find it calms me down and gives my mind something to do
It says some beautiful things about forgiveness and love
’til I get to the end when God comes back
Wilds out, and straight up fucks Earth up!
Holy shit, did you know this?

Read this last part, what the fuck?
Spoiler alert, God comes back with dragons
And murders everyone!
What happened to the lovey-dovey stuff from the other verse?

Oh shit man, I can’t handle this right now, I’m high in church!

I’m high in church
I’m high in church

Oh God please help me
This is the worst

I’m high in church
I’m high in church
I’m high as hell
This is the worst

Need to get where no one can see
So I excuse myself to take a pee
But in the bathroom my old youth pastor
Comes up and stands next to me
Oh great, he’s probably gonna start yapping about how my soul is eternal
But instead he justs asks why my pants are down at the urinal
Oops, umm, sorry about that
Nice to see you, gotta go
Oh my God, I’m high as balls
And there’s no way he doesn’t know
Shit is getting out of hand
I’m getting higher
Need to make a plan
Maybe tell mom I’m sick
And try to get the keys to sleep this off in the van
I scoot back to my seat and notice everyone has stopped singing
The pastor asks if there is anyone here who is visiting

Mom gets excited, raises her hand
I tell her no, but she makes me stand
Pastor asks is I’m just here for Christmas
And I say “I am”
The congregation turns around
The pastor asks me how I’ve been
And that’s about when
The goddamn shrooms decided it was time to kick the fuck on in

“Trevor you’ve really done it now”
Holy shit, what’s going on?
What is that voice? I’m freaking out!
“This is Satan and you’ve summoned me to seal your doom”
Whoa, hold up, wait a minute
I don’t even think I believe in you
“I exist within subcounciousness down in your mind
But you did drugs and went to church, so now your soul is mine
For all eternity! You will never escape my clutch”
Okay uh, first of all I think that seems like a little much
A joint and couple caps and stems
Is that all that a soul is worth?
And God made everything I’ve done tonight!
All of it’s from the Earth!
The mushrooms and the pot, yo He made it all!

The nitrous, and the Adderall!
Muscle relaxers, maybe a little coke
But if that damns me for etenity
Then if you ask me the system’s broke!

Then Satan disappeared, and shrieked a shrieking sound!
I sent him back to Hell because I fucking stood my ground!
The church stares at me! Their eyes are open wide!
And the pastor asks if I’d stop shouting and please go outside

Uh, sure. Sorry, it’s just that…

I’m high in church
I’m high in church
Whatever man
I guess it could be worse
I’m high in church
That’s what I am
Sorry mom, I guess
I’ll be outside in the van
Whatever man
I’m gonna be out listening to the radio
Wake me up when you guys are done

Series Navigation<< Songs of Sacrilege: Gays Got Married by Trevor MooreSongs of Sacrilege: The Garden of Allah by Don Henley >>

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