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Songs of Sacrilege: Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis & Your Bible Off My Balls by Eric Schwartz

Eric Schwartz

This is the latest installment in the Songs of Sacrilege series. This is a series that I would like readers to help me with. If you know of a song that is irreverent towards religion, makes fun of religion, pokes fun at sincerely held religious beliefs, or challenges the firmly held religious beliefs of others, please send me an email.

Today’s Song of Sacrilege is Keep Your Jesus Off My Penis & Your Bible Off My Balls by Eric Schwartz.

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Keep your Jesus off my penis
Keep your bible off my balls
Keep your prayers out of my ears
And your crosses off my walls
You can keep the virgin mother
And the resurrection too
Keep your Jesus off my penis
Ill keep my penis offa you

Well, Im frickin sick and tired
Of turning on the news
And seeing the religious rights ungodly fight
To take our right to choose
When to bear our children
Who to love and how
Education and protection, if were just practicing for now
So W, look, obey a book
If thats what works for you
But I dont tell you how to pray
So dont you tell me how to screw!


So youre screaming bloody murder about the Taliban regime
For subjugating women and being too extreme
And basing legislation on some ancient, holy book
Does that sound a bit familiar?
Heres a mirror, have a look!
And as for the Ten Commandments, they need one more, at least
Thou shalt never cover up the acts of pervert priests
Now howd they let that happen
Unless they just abhor us?
Well, anyway, it adds another layer to the chorus!


So youll execute a person and then protect the single cell
But mercy kill the terminally ill and youre going straight to Hell?
Well, I dont know much about the word of God, far be it from me
But I can tell you what it aint, thats hypo-Christianity
Well, I am not anti-Christian, before you grab a rope
There is beauty in religion
And joy and love and hope
And were all lookin for that answer
Some colossal, cosmic cause
But who the fuck are you to turn your views into my laws?

Its just believers in the bible that would have abortion banned
Anti-choice agnostics, I could count em on one hand
And as for killing babies, Ive got but one retort:
If someone raped your daughter, George, youd beg her to abort

And if some young girl from your church shows up with child or some infection
’cause you told her what a horrid sin it was to use protection
Well, one day youll face the pearly gates
And what you gonna say
When that long-haired, Jewish peacenick sends your ass the other way

Sayin keep your Jesus off my penis
Keep your bible off my balls
Keep your prayers out of my ears
And your crosses off my walls
Ive had it up to here with all the biblobile you spew
So keep your Jesus off my penis
Well, at least thats what I would do
Yeah, keep your Jesus off my penis
Ill keep my penis off of you
Thats ifn you want me to

Bruce Gerencser, 66, lives in rural Northwest Ohio with his wife of 45 years. He and his wife have six grown children and thirteen grandchildren. Bruce pastored Evangelical churches for twenty-five years in Ohio, Texas, and Michigan. Bruce left the ministry in 2005, and in 2008 he left Christianity. Bruce is now a humanist and an atheist.

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Series Navigation<< Songs of Sacrilege: Strawman by Lou ReedSongs of Sacrilege: What Would Jesus Do? by Adam Baum >>

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